During the last four years of my collegiate experience, I've had the pleasure of attending many parties and social events. Using my memories and friend's stories, I've been able to compile a list of the five different types of drunk college kids you will see out on any given weekend (or even sometimes at Wasted Wismer).
1. The Bro Drunk
This special kind of drinker is very happy, very loud and stuffed to the gills with Natty Lite.
He's ready to party at any given hour, as shown by his attire. This drunk can be seen wearing a short sleeved shirt, basketball shorts (no matter if he actually plays sports), either Nike crew socks with sandals or Sperry's and a baseball cap.
At parties, this creature is normally carrying a drawstring backpack full of lukewarm beers, happily offering them to attractive girls. This drunk can be dangerous though; more often than not, he will become aggravated for no foreseeable reason and break something (normally doors, sinks, glass bottles).
2. The Emotional Drunk
We've all met the emotional drunk. The girl who had one too many shots/glasses of wine and will more than likely cry in the bathroom at any given party.
She can most likely be found literally anywhere, talking to anyone about the fight she's currently having with her bestie/roommate/sorority sister/boyfriend/anyone. Her drunken slurred speech is punctuated with rounds of "I'm fine guys seriously like I'm fine" between crying and apologizing for crying on you/your clothing.
She doesn't want your coat, your hugs, or your water, but she needs the attention. Just listen to the sob story, pat her on the shoulder, and tell her she might do better off going to bed instead of staying out. This creature has selective hearing, so be careful.
3. The Party Animal
If cocaine, adderrall and a bottle of burnettes had a baby; it would be this drunk.
This gal is always the one to suggest a night out and is never turned down. Somehow she never runs out of alcohol to drink, and knows all the right people who will give you free shots at parties.
Nevertheless, you will always end up losing her at some point during the night. You turn around for one minute and she has fled the room, and is somehow two flights up and across the courtyard. This kind of drunk is more of a danger to herself than anyone else and will always be the last person to leave a party.
Finding her the morning after may be difficult, but she'll always show up to brunch in someone's hoodie with lots of stories to tell.
4. The Mom Drunk
Somehow this kind of drunk can simultaneously be very intoxicated and extremely responsible. She (or he) will always without fail make sure to remember where everyone left their coats/phones/IDs/keys, and be able to find them later that night. They will also happily pick your drunk ass off the floor and take you to a safe location if you get too drunk.
They will always remind you to bring a coat and make sure that you have their number in case anything happens. This drunk's ability to behave coherently and responsibly while going shot-for-shot with a football bro is nothing less than commendable.
5. The Angry Drunk
By far, this is the most dangerous drunk creature there is. No matter what you do, do not attempt to confront this creature. Any physical contact stronger than a high-five will immediately turn on his reflex to fight anyone. Even a slight bump on the hip to get by will put you in the position of getting yelled at with such phrases as "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "YOU TRYNA FIGHT BRO?" "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?"
For angry drunks who are women, the reaction is not as physical, but it does manifest deeply in resentment towards literally anyone in the room who isn't their closest friend.
Everyone is the worst, there's no good liquor, they're not drunk enough (or so they say), and the music sucks. The lack of positivity from this drunk can spoil an entire evening, so it is best to keep your distance if you notice a steep change in mood.
As long as you keep your wits about you, you'll be fine.
Which drunk are you?
