Do you not like Thanksgiving? Does the thought of stuffing your face with food until you pass into a peaceful coma make you cringe? Do you just secretly hate pie and all that is good in this world? While I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, I will encourage you to reevaluate your life choices. In the meantime, here are five alternative holidays with ways to celebrate. Who knows? You may even start a new tradition.
Nov. 22: Go for a Ride Day
The name of this day is left intentionally vague so that observers can ride on any number of things. A car, a horse, a roller coaster, a shooting star, the cute guy from your math class--the possibilities are endless! In fact, why limit yourself? Celebrate the day by riding everything possible. In the tradition of holiday carols and movies, many have created media in honor of the holiday, like Lana Del Ray’s “Ride” or the movie "Ride Along." Spend the day riding high.
Nov. 23: Eat a Cranberry Day
Wake up early in the morning to begin the process eating your single cranberry. The key to celebrating this day right is to make the cranberry last the whole day. When you are not relishing in your cranberry’s tart flavor, construct a shrine for your single cranberry. Be sure to include a three-liter jug of Ocean Spray cranberry juice to the cranberry gods so that they look upon you kindly in the coming year. Perform the ritual destroying of that Godawful canned cranberry sauce. Light it on fire and let the smoke of the perishing cranberry sauce move you to tears.
Nov. 24: All Our Uncles Are Monkeys Day
Family, especially uncles, is an important aspect of this holiday. Go to the nearest zoo and/or other place that has monkeys and attempt to climb into the cells where your uncles are being held captive. Many establishments are against the holiday as they see it as a “safety hazard”. If you are unable to break in, you may sit outside the exhibit and exchange longing, heartfelt glances with your uncles. Bringing bananas and monkey bread to share is often considered a sign of respect. You may be able to sneak these to your uncles when the zookeepers aren’t looking. Alternatively, you may bring lots of bugs in your hair and allow your uncles to pick them out and eat them.
Peanut-Butter Lovers Month
While you have likely been celebrating Peanut Butter Lovers Month for the entire month of November (or your entire existence), consider culminating your festive spirit on a single day. Confess your love for the almost empty jar of peanut butter in your refrigerator. Tell that jar you want to get married. Hop on a plane to Vegas with your jar of peanut butter. Get married in a roadside chapel. Spend your honeymoon drinking and gambling down the Strip. Get the drunchies at 3 a.m. Realize that you have no other choice but to consume your new spouse. Make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and wonder where it all went wrong.
