So before getting to the good stuff, I should probably give you all a little bit of background. I am one of three kids; three girls to be exact. As you can probably imagine, this has always been pretty tough on my dad, who is definitely more of a guy's guy.

Despite a few attempts at sports—including our very brief soccers career at age four—my twin sister and I were always dancers. My younger sister's love for soccer actually lasted a bit longer than ours, until she tore her ACL when she was 15. Seeing as how I'm pretty sure my dad peaked when she made the travel team, I think her career ending injury was more traumatic for him than it was for her. Maybe the most traumatic incident for my father in my lifetime. That was, until the other night when I experienced a stroke of genius.

Let's make Dad watch The Bachelor finale and write down all the shit he says!

My plan was brilliant, hilarious and I must admit a bit devious, considering I know how he feels about reality TV in general. I, for one, am a huge fan of the so-called "trash," but as I'm sure you can imagine, my daddy...not so much. But for the sake of creative content, he reluctantly agreed.

So as Monday night rolled around, we set up on the couch, piled on the blankets, uncorked the bottle of Malbec I picked up abroad in Argentina last year and got going.

The fun began almost instantly.

1. "So what's the goal tonight? To make me as miserable as possible?"

Well, that's not NOT the goal...

2."They’re followers or they're losers?"

He asks when Mom tells him about the guys from physical therapy that are “followers” of the show.

3. "Raven? Like Raven Simone?"

His face purses up like he just ate something sour. For some reason, my dad has had some sort of vendetta against Raven Simone ever since her Cosby Show days so I kind of think he prejudged and didn't give this girl a fair shot from the get-go.

4. "Is she the one that showed her boobs?"

Unfortunately not, but ugh. If only queen Corinne and her platinum vagine (va-jeen) had made it to the finale! Sorry to disappoint.

5. "OK, so Vanessa lives in Canada but he doesn't want to move? Then he's not going to marry her..."

Can’t say I disagree with you on that one man.

At this point, we had accumulated enough time to fast-forward through some commercials. We pushed play and were taken to Finland, where Vanessa and Nick were meeting a Finnish speaking Santa Claus (wtf Bachelor producers? Was that supposed to be sexy?).

6. “If I were her, I would be throwing up now!"

Dad’s response when I told him Nick and Vanessa’s first one-on-one consisted of Vanessa barfing on some space ship type thing.

7. "Jesus, how much makeup is she wearing on her eyes?!"

Writer’s note: she is wearing little to no eye shadow, some slightly crooked eyeliner, and mascara. Judgmental much?

8. “How long have they known each other? Two whole months?"

9. "Flip him the bird and say, 'You know what? I'm out of here!'"

Apparently, my dad just isn't feeling the chemistry there.

10. "Wait, this is real Finland? I thought it was fake Finland. Like, somewhere in the Canadian Rockies."

11. "How long do you think it took her to do your hair like that in Finland?"

You know, with the different plugs and voltages and stuff?

12. "He's very evasive...women don't like that."

We then tell Dad about Nick's unfortunate history on The Bachelor. Clearly, he has a lot to work on when it comes to the ladies.

13. "Never trust a man with good answers."

Dad says as Vanessa questions her future with Nick. This was, for the most part, his only fatherly advice throughout the finale, which was shocking to us all.

14. "Is this like other shows where they just give them a lot of alcohol?"

Yes Dad, as a matter of fact, it is!

15. "I'm very biased against this show because he says he wants to feel a love he's never felt before but I've only ever said I love you to one woman."

That woman is now my mother. Aw. BTW... that's why you're biased???

16. "But you know, the best loves do arise with TV cameras all around."

17. "She should walk. Just walk."

My sister then takes my dad's phone away because he was playing a game

18. "He so bugs me..."

Me too, daddy. Me too.

19. "What kind of woman cries like that and doesn't get boogers? When your mom cries she gets all kinds of boogies."

He says as Vanessa essentially sobs while assumingly realizing this whole venture was a horrible idea. Also, with comments like that, it's no wonder he's only said "I love you" to one woman.

Vanessa's time comes to an end, and the date with Raven begins.

20. "Wait, he dates both of them in Finland?"

21. "Creepy...she looks like a 14-year-old. I mean how old is she?"

22. "I bet that's glug! I like the wooden mugs."

Cool dad. Glad you approve of their drink-ware.

23. "This is SO forced and awkward. I'm cringing."

24. "The fact that people watch this..."

25. "Oh, puppies!!! Now you're talkin' my language."

Nick brings out husky puppies and we all perk up a little.

26. "OK, she is as dumb as a rock."

Little Rock!! Get it? Arkansas joke.

27. "HOW DO YOU WATCH THIS?!"

28. "Is she even old enough to drink?"

29. "Actually, it's a toast to you and ME."

This grammar correction is VERY typical in my family. My dad used to flick my sisters and me anytime we would use the words "like" or "um" when we were little kids.

30. "The qualities he's looking for in a woman sounds like he just wants a dog."

Nick is explaining that he wants someone loyal to always have his back.

31. "Who in Arkansas names their kid Raven?!"

OK Dad, we get it. You don't like the name Raven!

32. "I hope whoever he picks says no. Then he'd be 0 for 3 and THAT'S good TV!"

33. "Can we have cookies now?"

34. "Do we get to vote like American idol?"

35. "TiVo "After the Final Rose!!!"

Full discloser: This one's a quote from my mom. I Just thought it was funny she said "TiVo."

36. "You know, they should get a Mormon next season so he can just marry them both!"

Now, for the moment we've been anxiously waiting for! Who will step out of the limo first? Who will Nick choose?!

37. "0 for 3 let's see it!!!! 0 for 3!!"

Dad whoops and claps as he chants for Nick to get turned down by whoever he chooses.

38. "I really want to see that beauty and the beast movie. No one wants to go see it with me? Fine. Guess I'll go see it alone like a big fat loser."

Dad, you're watching The Bachelor finale. Lol.

39. "Somebody get him some Kleenex."

Nick is hysterically crying as he faces the awkward departure with Raven.

40. "Wow, they put her in mink fur. I'm shocked!" Mom says. "Yeah, she probably shot and killed it," Dad replies.

41. "I'm so uncomfortable right now."

Seems like dad doesn't like knowing that Nick is NOT about to propose to Raven after she tells him how ready she is to get engaged.

42. "It's like when you're watching a horror movie and you know the killer is around the corner. Don't open that door!"

43. "I bet if you look at her a year from now she'll be 150 pounds heavier. Time for an eating binge."

Highly unlikely dad. That would not fly on Bachelor in Paradise.

And now...onto the proposal!!!

44. "This is not funny, this is pathetic."

Aw man, and for a second there I thought you were actually entertained!

45. "I'm gonna barf on him."

46. "She's too pretty. She needs a manlier man."

OK, I have to agree with him on this one. Nick is a weenie. But he gets down on one knee and pulls out the infamous Neil Lane rock.

47. "What a weenie."

Great minds think alike! And Nick is crying again.

48. "How funny would it be if she was fat and gross by the reunion show?"

What is it with you and wishing fatness upon poor, innocent women dude? Not cool.

49. "Sure, he may have picked Vanessa, but is her vagine platinum?"

A beautiful way to end this experience dad. Very, eloquently put.

I wish I could say this whole thing was a huge learning experience and that I now have an unbreakable Bachelor bond with my daddy. Unfortunately, I can pretty much assume he will not be watching Rachel kick butt as the next Bachelorette. But, I can say this was most definitely an experience for the books.