4 Tough Love Lessons I've Learned Thanks To My Exes
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4 Tough Love Lessons I've Learned Thanks To My Exes

To All the Boys I've Loved Before: thank u, next

Bec Sceney
Jan 15, 2019
University of South Florida
401
Bec Sceney 2018

With two long-term relationships under my belt and a couple 'sort of seeing each other' dealings, I've learned a lot over the years. Although many people need to make their own mistakes to learn, I'll still share my lessons with the hope that they will reach the right person at the right time and make them feel a little less alone.

Never love someone for their potential

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You'll always be wanting more from them. You can encourage them, and believe in them all you want, but you have to love them for their actions in the present. If they are the type to have crazy big dreams and sound so sure they can achieve them, watch their actions. Because if they give up when it gets tough or don't even make the effort to start, then it's likely they won't reach that potential you imagine. This can also apply to how your partner treats you. And you will have to settle for what you've currently got. And don't get me wrong, this is totally fine for some people, but you have to make that decision and you can't be mad at them later for it. Don't blame them and then not leave. Don't wait for people to change. We all like to picture our future and imagine how our lives will develop with our partners, but how are you going to feel if that doesn't come true? Will you be okay with that or will you resent them for it?

You can't fix people

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Like, ever. I have a mothering nature and this lesson took me so long to learn. It can be confusing because sometimes your partner can lean on you for these qualities, but resent them at other times. But when it comes down to it, people need to fix themselves. And although you can jump start it, and you can help, you can't complete it for them. They need to willpower to fight through their own battles and sometimes this is best done alone. You can inspire people to be better and that's a beautiful thing, but you can't change them just because you decided so.

Always put yourself first

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My biggest mistake was I was always looking out for my ex's and putting them first, and they were also putting themselves first, and no one was looking out for me. It's a hard lesson to learn. It took me eight years. But it's not wrong, and it's not selfish. If you don't make sure you are happy, healthy and satisfied first, you won't be a good partner. It will put a strain on your relationship if you expect someone else to heal you. This links to the above point, other people can't fix you either. And your happiness is no one else's responsibility. At the end of your life, if you haven't completed all the things you wished for yourself, no one else is going to have regrets for you. Of course, there are going to be times in your relationship when you compromise, but if they respect you they will want you to be happy and fulfill your dreams. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that.

Know your worth

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People will treat you wrong if you allow them. You can't be afraid to let people go if they make you feel like shit. You have to be tough because some people come pounding on your standards, ready to tear them down. Maybe they've gotten away with before, or maybe that's all they think you deserve. They will tell you they love you and turn around and make you feel dumb within the same breath. It's not always clear, it can be passive-aggressive and manipulative and make you doubt yourself. But only you can decide what you are worth and let me tell you, EVERYONE is worthy of a love that is kind, supportive and true. So if it ain't that, it ain't them chief.


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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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