Bartending is the quickest money you’ll ever make…legally, of course. Any bartender can attest to it. You pretty much get paid to chat with people and get tipped if you know how to perfectly concoct the cheap liquor and mix.

I will admit, I am new to the bartending world. I am a firm believer that everyone should have to work in some sort of food service, customer service, you know, “dealing with the human race” service. People really can be horrible, rude, and just downright stupid, but the worst part is you cannot even tell them. I mean, you can as you walk out the door getting fired.

Here’s a little insight into the wide world of alcohol from a bartender’s perspective. One night after a brutal shift at your favorite bar, Club OP, I sat up in bed and jotted down some things that basically tore everyone I served that night to shreds. Luckily no names, faces, or identities will be revealed and wallet size reminder cards will be available for sale soon.

After all, we are Bonnies. Friday and Saturday nights are the best times of our lives (Wednesday and Thursday nights too if you are into that type of thing). We work hard all week in hopes of being able to cut back and relax once the last class breaks on Friday.

“Hi what can I get for you?”

“I’ll just have a beer or mixed drink”

Probably the worst statement to be said at a bar. “A beer” isn’t a brand and a “mixed drink” means maybe you have had a little too much already or maybe you’ve never stepped foot in a bar before. A bartender loves a customer that knows what they want and isn’t going to waste their time…so don’t.

I’m fully aware of my name, I write it a thousand times a day, and if I ever forget it I’ll let you know.

You may think screaming my name over and over again at the top of your lungs makes me feel like the Queen of England, but it really makes me want to ignore you for 20 more minutes. I know it’s not difficult to learn someone’s name at this school but if you aren’t going to say hello to me outside of the bar setting or at the very least if you’re not going to like my Instagram posts… do not refer to me like I’ve been invited to your Christmas dinner.

People, please learn how to order a drink.

It does matter my friends. It's simple, follow steps below:

1. Walk up to the bar, wait for the bartender to serve you. Calmly.

2. “Hello, may I have a (INSERT ALCOHOL FIRST) + (MIXER) + PLEASE.”

3. Pay

4. And for the finale, give us a big: "Thank you."

5. Then proceed back to the dance floor and watch people grind like 8th graders.

We notice a lot more than you think we do.

There will always be those people at the bar, try not to be one of them.

* Boy or girl with significant other...not acting like it.

Plain and simple, don’t do something now you’ll regret in the morning. Or worse, don’t give people something to talk about.

* The one guy that keeps trying to start chants.

* The emotional girl at the end of the bar that keeps saying things to me like:

I’m sure he did say something mean or she did give you a dirty look or that freshman did steal the last slice of pepperoni of the counter at Graffiti, but life goes on, girlfriend.

* The anti-social: phone attached to their face.

It’s our generation -- it's physically impossible for us to not be attached to our phones. I can honestly say I have some serious anxiety if I misplace my phone, steal my car before you take my phone! Am I right, or am I right?

* Never ever, ever, has enough money to pay for the drink I already made them.

I get it we’re all a little low on cash in college, but don’t order a drink when you don’t have the funds, friends. PSA: prices do not include tip.

* And my personal favorite, people meeting that night and then..

I mean that’s awesome for you two to have finally been brought together but you’re just making me super uncomfortable.

Now, this wasn’t meant to make you feel less of yourself, it’s for me to think less of you on my own terms...behind the bar...sober…on the weekend. I’m not bitter. So, remember all this when going out this weekend and never forget: the bartender is your friend, who is studying your every move, and judging you, and loving you all at the same damn time. Cheers!