Most of us had favorite toys when we were children. Be it action figures, dolls or Legos, every kid had their favorite toy they could play with for hours. They were fun, creative and perhaps most importantly, they did not leave lasting damage on our bodies and minds. In an age where toy companies are governed by safety laws and restrictions, we can view those simpler times when companies could say, "screw it."
1. The Oozinator
In the early 2000s one of the biggest names in toys was Super Soaker. Most of you can probably remember having water gun fights in your yard during the heat of summer (or if you were like me, spraying them inside the open windows of neighbors houses). However, Hasbro decided during the summer of 2006 to introduce the newest Super Soaker to an eager public. This water blaster had a secondary firing mode that launched a liquid gel at your friends. Innocent enough, right?
Yes, that’s right. In a terribly mind-numbing act of marketing stupidity, Hasbro’s commercial appeared to spray children with reproductive fluids. The phrase, “major pumping required,” is the icing on the proverbial cake wherein Hasbro should scant deny that had no idea what they were doing at the time. The ad understandably fell under some criticism for its questionable means of filming and was parodied on the Daily Show that same year. Instead of being in the hands of a dancer at a bachelor party, it was instead put in your child's.
2. Lawn Darts
Lawn darts have been around for a very long time. You may not have heard about them, however, since they have been banned for an equally long time. The premise of lawn darts is similar to the javelin toss in the Olympics in that you throw a pointy object a certain distance away. The spike on the tip of the lawn dart embeds itself into the ground making it stand upright.Unfortunately, that “embeds itself in the ground” section is where the product becomes a little destructive.
Originally, lawn darts had been allowed for sale provided they were not marketed as toys. However, the bright colors and the fact that most people stored them in the garage or a shed pretty much threw that safety precaution to the wind. One Californian got the death spikes banned after they unfortunately but unsurprisingly were mishandled and killed his daughter. The history of the product showed that while it made a terrible toy, it was a great way to rain death from above.
3. Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab, as well as most of their products
The '50s: when toys were real toys, and parents didn’t give a shit about the safety of their children. This kit, released by the Gilbert Toy Company in 1951, let children play about with the wonders of the Atomic Age.
This company decided the best means to do so was to give children four different pieces of uranium. The kit also came with a cloud chamber for viewing alpha particles, as well as a Geiger counter to identify the radiation that was probably all over their hands anyway. Instead of Call of Duty, kids got radiation poisoning.
Now, for the interested reader, the Gilbert Toy Company, aka Atomic Toys, was known for making various science-based kits for children. Most of these kits would today be found only in terrorist cells, thanks in no small part to their danger and apparent disregard for safety of others. This includes a DIY glass blowing kit as well as a chemistry set that instructs children how to make explosives.
However, instead of fading into perhaps merciful obscurity, Atomic Toys gifted the world with the original Erector set, which, while less lethal than the others kits, was probably more fun.
4. Battlestar Galactica Viper
Of all the famous terrible toys, this one is perhaps the most significant. Its innate terribleness actually changed legal policy toward toys. Released in 1978, this model ship from Battlestar Galactica featured a forward-facing missile launcher that, as the name implies, fired a missile when a button was pressed.
Now, this is generally a common feature on modern toys; however, they also include a handy little warning known to most as "choking hazard." This was the toy that changed every toy-producing company's packaging and labeling forever.
Whether you believe in Freud or not is irrelevant; children will always put things in their mouths. Unfortunately for Mattel, 4-year-old Jeffery Warren choked to death in 1979 after swallowing the ships missile by accident. Evidently this was not the first time a choking had occurred with their toys, and the company, being the responsible body it was, decided to place some warning stickers on toys that hadn't been sold yet. If you bought the toys before that, tough shit, apparently. After the incident and lawsuit, companies began placing choking hazard stickers on all their products.
