This week I considered writing about a couple of things involving Mother’s Day: first, I wanted to write about my mom but I already did that in my Christmas letter to her; second, I thought about writing about mothers in general but again I feel like that letter covered how I feel about mothers too. So today I thought I would take this into a different route; a route that involves using my true tone: angry and sarcastic.

By the time this article is posted I will be 27 years old. I still have a lot of things to figure out in my life but I’ve known that I don’t want children for most of my adult life and my younger life too. Of course, I would often say things like “I’m going to name my kids [insert nerdy names here]” when I was younger but I never found myself visualizing myself having children. Sure, it was pushed on me and expected of me but I never felt that pressure girls my age did—probably because my mom is awesome and never buried me under those kinds of expectations…much. The pressure to get married and become a parent became stronger and less subliminal in my early 20s to now.

To all those people who say “you’ll changed your mind when you get older” or “I felt the same way when I was your age and now I have 2.5 kids and I’m rrreaal happy #blessed #jazzhands #micdrop” here you go; here is a list of reasons why I don’t want to have children and maybe if you read it you’ll stop saying that shit to people like me. Or, maybe you’ll become more obnoxious and counter all my personal reasons with your personal and unwanted answers, as if we’re the same person with the same life experiences and beliefs.

I Don’t Feel a Longing to have Children

I know because I have a vagina and because I bleed from said vagina monthly that wanting a child should be as *~natural~* as someone with a penis wanting to spread their seed everywhere (I hope the sarcasm is just hitting you in the face right now), but that’s not how it works for me; I don’t have some empty place in my heart that longs to cradle a swaddled symbol of my love with someone else (ya know…because kids are collector items made to look a little like me so they can live all my dreams I couldn’t achieve because I had them.) Yeah, when I see a cute baby I don’t instantly think “the world is so unfair because I do not have a child and this person does” or “that baby is so adorable I must mate and have one of my own”; I don’t get “baby hungry” (which is a real creepy phrasing by the way) I just think: “that baby is cute. Thank goodness I don’t have one.”

I Have Other Things I Want to Do with My Time, Space, and Money

Having a child requires a lot of patience which I do not have; It also requires a lot of money which I do not have. The money situation could change but my patience certainly won’t. This is why I stick to be an aunt because I love my nibblings (the legit plural/gender-neutral term for nieces and nephews) I don’t want to have to plan my life around them or answer their questions constantly. These kids, as much as I love them, can get a little annoying with their questions and their lack of knowing when to stop asking so many questions. I mean there are other things that annoy me about kids but that’s the big one I’m thinking about right now. I like my space from people; this is why I live alone; this is why some of my friends might think I hate them; this is why having my own child would be a personal hell.

I Don’t Want to be Responsible for Raising a Child

You know how much anxiety comes with me just thinking about having a child? It feels like my body gets shocked after knowingly placing my hands on an electric fence. The absolute terror of being completely responsible for a living, breathing, human being is too strong for me to even consider it when I’m drunk (I consider doing a lot of things when I’m drunk). You think this wouldn’t be a problem if I had a kid or if I just matured a little more? No. I know that if were a parent I would try to cram so much information about the world’s problems and how hopeless it all is into my child’s brain that they would have depression before they could walk. Not only that but I would be one of those parents that blatantly expect my child to react in certain ways to certain things and to behave certain ways too (certainly…). I don’t want to make someone feel like they’re a disappointment; I know what that’s like I don’t want to create a being just to have them feel that from me. I would be a terrible parent. I don’t want or need that responsibility and I don’t have to have that responsibility.

I Have A Dog

I know a lot of parents get real upset when someone says that their dog is their baby because “they didn’t carry that dog in their womb for 9 months and blah blah blah I work so hard for my child and now my child is being compared to an animal”. Let me explain you a thing: some people think animals are just as great, if not better than, as humans and those some people are capable of loving their dog in the same way you love your child. Leave us alone. Dogs and cats aren’t substitutes to fill that aching parental hole; they aren’t just there to make up for not having a real child. My dog is my whole world, even as I am typing this she is begging me to scratch her back. Just because a dog gives a different experience than a kid doesn’t mean I can’t love my dog just as much as you love your child. Oh I can have children and a dog? Well that changes my mind completely! No. Listen up, it’s my life goal to be an independent spinster with a bunch of dogs! And I don’t think that is less valid than the dream of a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a spouse.