35 Questions I Have For Auburn University

I have been a student at Auburn for a crisp three years. Now that I'm a junior and pretty much an expert on all things Auburn, I'm left with some questions that I wanted to share. I love you, loveliest village, but I am just curious...

1. Why is it that in any given classroom in Haley Center I can either have a heat stroke or suffer from hypothermia?

2. Speaking of Haley Center, why is it still standing?

3. Am I the only one who felt personally disrespected when Chicken Grill was closed down?

4. Parking Services, who hurt you? Why are you the way that you are?

5. Will we ever find the real Quincy?

6. Why does Biggin Hall smell like a decaying animal?

7. Is there a tell-all book somewhere with all of the tragic stories about everyone who's stepped on the seal? I'd like to send my condolences.

8. Can we just take a bulldozer to the Hill? Really, it's long overdue.

9. Why are we referred to as "The Plains"? That's false. Everywhere I go I'm walking uphill.

10. Can we never, and I mean never, switch to the plus/minus system?

11. RO Parking is pretty much the worst idea anyone has ever had. Not a question, it just needed to be said.

12. Why is a piece of bruised fruit $6 in the C-store?

13. Do you know anyone, anywhere that wants to go to a lab at 8 pm?

14. Can Netflix be included in our tuition? Asking for a friend.

15. What exactly do the "student fees" on our e-bill go toward?

16. Is it fun for professors to give three tests, a group project, a research paper, and a search and rescue mission the week before finals?

17. Can someone explain to me what "dead week" is? We wouldn't know.

18. Why is Little Italy's the best thing that's ever happened to me?

19. I've mentioned parking a lot so why not once more? Can we maybe add another lot instead of doing construction on everything else? Everything. Else.

20. Do y'all just think off campus students don't need to eat? That $300 tiger card mess is once again, disrespectful.

21. Will you really pay our tuition if we get hit by transit? What about lightly tapped?

22. Is Ukulele boy even a student?

23. Are there University counseling services offered to those who have been victims of the concourse? I'd like to book an appointment.

24. Has anyone ever really gotten an A from memorizing that quote on the Chem building?

25. Do you realize that pretty much everyone hates the new ticketing system? We all hate it. All of us.

26. Whose idea was it to get rid of Copy Cat?

27. Also, whose idea was it to install that confusing contraption in the student center masked as a printer instead?

28. Why do you have to sell your first born to pay out-of-state tuition?

29. Did we model our registration for classes based on the Hunger games? Pretty sure we did.

30. Why is it that classes we all need are only offered certain semesters, but advanced kayaking is offered year round?

31. Is there an intermediate kayaking? Does one need to own a kayak to take this course?

32. Why does Toomer's Lemonade taste better when you're sitting on Samford Lawn?

33. Can we hire a 24/7 security staff for our trees? The situation has really gotten out of hand.

34. Does Aubie do birthday parties? Like, for adults? Again, asking for a friend.

35. Why is it that every other college I've ever been to pales in comparison?

I love you Auburn, even with your quirks and terrible parking. War Eagle for now and for always!