35 Facts of Life, According To Nick Miller
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35 Facts of Life, According To Nick Miller

"All booze is good booze, unless it's weak booze."

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35 Facts of Life, According To Nick Miller
Hollywood Reporter

Fact: If you watch "New Girl," you love Nick Miller.

You can't help it. He's an adorable, lovable mess of a man and you look forward to seeing him and his shenanigans each week. While living the infamous and incomparable life of Nick Miller, and obviously Julius Pepperwood— he has learned many valuable laws of the land. And, although Nick refuses to learn anything from anyone besides his mysterious, old Asian friend Tran, he does have a few lessons he'd like to teach us.

Here are 35 facts of life according to 'Nick Milla Nick Milla':

1. Drinking keeps you healthy.

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"I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer."

2. Dinosaurs never existed.

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"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it."


3. A paper bag is a bank.

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"A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls."


4. Having sex is similar to delivering mail.

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"I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail it's hot sex that I deliver."

5. Moonwalking is a foolproof way to get out of any awkward situation...

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Jess (about Nick): "Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me. He does that sometimes."

6. ...using a movie reference is also a great way.

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Cece: "Come on, get up!"

Nick: "No, I don't dance. I'm from that town in "Footloose."

7. There's no reason to wash towels.

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Nick: "I don't wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?"

Schmidt: "You never wash your towel?"

Nick: "What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?"

8. Exes are meant to be avoided at all costs (especially if/unless they're Caroline).

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"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon."

9. IKEA furniture is not as intimidating as it looks.

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"I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes LEGOs."

10. You don't need forks if you have hands.

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Jess: "That's gross. Get a fork, man."

Nick: "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!"

11. Sex has a very specific definition.

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"It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut."

12. Doors are frustrating.

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"I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!"


13. All booze is good booze...

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"Can I get an alcohol?"

14. ...unless it's weak booze.

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"Schmidt, that is melon flavored liquor! That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!"

15. Writers are like pregnant women.

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Jess: "You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."

Nick: "I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel."

Jess: "Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"

Nick: "I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."

16. All bets must be honored.

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"There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt."

17. Adele's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

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"Adele is amazing."

18. Beyoncé is extremely trustworthy...

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"I'd trust Beyoncé with my life. We be all night."

19. ...fish, on the other hand, are not.

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“Absolutely not. You know I don't trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy!"

20. Bar mitzvahs are terrifying...

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Schmidt: "It's a bar mitzvah!"

Nick: "I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised!"

21. ...so are blueberries.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F636254087773095476-1800323205_3721274e03e9c8841a6d105dd1088049.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=234&h=50831190ac549fcd97aef4ef394a264688cb6de78df2bcc94aa0210bad2b0da1&size=980x&c=2346952682 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F636254087773095476-1800323205_3721274e03e9c8841a6d105dd1088049.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D234%26h%3D50831190ac549fcd97aef4ef394a264688cb6de78df2bcc94aa0210bad2b0da1%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2346952682%22%7D" expand=1]

Jess: "So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships..."

Nick: "And blueberries."

22. Take your time with difficult decisions. Don't be rash.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F636254206743598079-611455293_giphy-6.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=47&h=4f153c5fc7cb035b003ffddc69088e68e1e4840428e33d3c04b43d6821a39e5a&size=980x&c=615679493 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F636254206743598079-611455293_giphy-6.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D47%26h%3D4f153c5fc7cb035b003ffddc69088e68e1e4840428e33d3c04b43d6821a39e5a%26size%3D980x%26c%3D615679493%22%7D" expand=1]
Jess: "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"

Nick: "You're putting me in a tough spot!"

23. Getting into shape is not easy.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F636254110034041095-220922443_tumblr_nnx0hbhxiW1qzht58o1_400.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=494&h=03b808b141129c7471b56e7b56a36a411a34fe7922e3d0f970452f35445c3d2d&size=980x&c=634431678 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F636254110034041095-220922443_tumblr_nnx0hbhxiW1qzht58o1_400.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D494%26h%3D03b808b141129c7471b56e7b56a36a411a34fe7922e3d0f970452f35445c3d2d%26size%3D980x%26c%3D634431678%22%7D" expand=1]

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F636254110381604325-727167163_giphy-4.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=127&h=2e589cb7464b189ebdb51a12ed9d822e00cf02384bb3d682eb0a998d932cd140&size=980x&c=1337743361 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F636254110381604325-727167163_giphy-4.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D127%26h%3D2e589cb7464b189ebdb51a12ed9d822e00cf02384bb3d682eb0a998d932cd140%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1337743361%22%7D" expand=1]

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F6362541107708142491324893673_tumblr_nnx0hbhxiW1qzht58o3_400.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=427&h=fc0eed2da84226139577c3dfd3226de7a369a52d0e2bd498b1c94385e461e318&size=980x&c=592625737 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F6362541107708142491324893673_tumblr_nnx0hbhxiW1qzht58o3_400.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D427%26h%3Dfc0eed2da84226139577c3dfd3226de7a369a52d0e2bd498b1c94385e461e318%26size%3D980x%26c%3D592625737%22%7D" expand=1]

"I mean, I'm not doing squats or anything. I'm trying to eat less donuts."

24. We aren't meant to talk about our feelings.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F22%2F636233223089258259-1263961996_tumblr_mqdquc5tlH1sqepzho5_500.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=192&h=0aa8b1ad03b41d98e5e247feaf3cc92f77b0cdc24bf77ad6e243a7bc07057b6c&size=980x&c=918932792 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F22%252F636233223089258259-1263961996_tumblr_mqdquc5tlH1sqepzho5_500.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D192%26h%3D0aa8b1ad03b41d98e5e247feaf3cc92f77b0cdc24bf77ad6e243a7bc07057b6c%26size%3D980x%26c%3D918932792%22%7D" expand=1]

"If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings."


25. We're all a little bit too hard on ourselves.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F21%2F636233181898063271-1854002888_200.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=560&h=db99844640dba1577080c42867446b2f0c55d6397d5bebbc572a0f92199de739&size=980x&c=3478511118 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F21%252F636233181898063271-1854002888_200.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D560%26h%3Ddb99844640dba1577080c42867446b2f0c55d6397d5bebbc572a0f92199de739%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3478511118%22%7D" expand=1]

"The enemy is the inner me."

26. Freezing your underwear is a good way to cool off.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F636254178177340731-1723246499_He-Makes-Silly-Seem-Sexyish.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=328&h=18763f8a02b705817ad8470048b04746bff5a81730e552f2deb2c49ce534b00c&size=980x&c=2545095587 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F636254178177340731-1723246499_He-Makes-Silly-Seem-Sexyish.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D328%26h%3D18763f8a02b705817ad8470048b04746bff5a81730e552f2deb2c49ce534b00c%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2545095587%22%7D" expand=1]
"Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you."

27. Public nudity is normal.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F21%2F636233170679684454-1335627774_He-Has-You-Do-You-Attitude.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=173&h=f0f78aac9d3feac60080cea203c961d924d3ea8255f2752b3447a911724b4812&size=980x&c=2257661348 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F21%252F636233170679684454-1335627774_He-Has-You-Do-You-Attitude.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D173%26h%3Df0f78aac9d3feac60080cea203c961d924d3ea8255f2752b3447a911724b4812%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2257661348%22%7D" expand=1]

"Everbody has been flashed countless times."

28. Alcohol is a cure-all.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F22%2F636233209673427496-1624037245_tumblr_nnjut6lxSD1qm2l53o1_500.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=109&h=1f6efc09dcde20c4881a04321b7dac9a754249b4b486836a377e6782663d2c97&size=980x&c=691854670 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F22%252F636233209673427496-1624037245_tumblr_nnjut6lxSD1qm2l53o1_500.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D109%26h%3D1f6efc09dcde20c4881a04321b7dac9a754249b4b486836a377e6782663d2c97%26size%3D980x%26c%3D691854670%22%7D" expand=1]
"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol."

29. Horses are aliens.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F22%2F636233242277816812-1702860371_1-VpwzRPk2aitEdJ6LpfAs9g.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=902&h=1efcc8899d311ba778550e71c04008c019f0eeca53bf647366470d670c91bbdc&size=980x&c=939973490 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F22%252F636233242277816812-1702860371_1-VpwzRPk2aitEdJ6LpfAs9g.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D902%26h%3D1efcc8899d311ba778550e71c04008c019f0eeca53bf647366470d670c91bbdc%26size%3D980x%26c%3D939973490%22%7D" expand=1]

"I believe horses are from outer-space."


30. Turtles should actually be called 'shell-beavers.'

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F6362540819389794631009031511_giphy-2.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=759&h=3297f0a64f388be5b6e9949ddf8c89363e0453365b87c9ad6878d87d2fa92980&size=980x&c=2894984057 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F6362540819389794631009031511_giphy-2.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D759%26h%3D3297f0a64f388be5b6e9949ddf8c89363e0453365b87c9ad6878d87d2fa92980%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2894984057%22%7D" expand=1]

Jess: "He calls turtles 'shell-beavers."

Nick: "Well, that's what they should be called."

31. Trench coats are hot...

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F21%2F636233141230670634-277533246_nick-doing-a-dance-in-ladies-coat.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=857&h=d154a344971446c723b580d3759618d526b994479a87e770f5260e8c2ed57bd3&size=980x&c=3655174511 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F21%252F636233141230670634-277533246_nick-doing-a-dance-in-ladies-coat.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D857%26h%3Dd154a344971446c723b580d3759618d526b994479a87e770f5260e8c2ed57bd3%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3655174511%22%7D" expand=1]
"This coat has clean lines and pockets that don't quit, and it has room for your hips. And, when I wear it, I feel hot to trot!"


32. ...sparkles are too.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F21%2F636233168947905583-1167231893_source.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=958&h=17cda8e0acee49377df37c0c9b7832691fa3b6a819938610cdf719220875624f&size=980x&c=2746042960 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F21%252F636233168947905583-1167231893_source.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D958%26h%3D17cda8e0acee49377df37c0c9b7832691fa3b6a819938610cdf719220875624f%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2746042960%22%7D" expand=1]

"Now, my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you've got to change that top it's terrible and you've got to throw sparkles on. Sparkles are in. SPARKLES ARE IN."

33. Introspection can lead to a deeper knowing of oneself.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F636254158442286657874672184_desk-chair-samanthapanther.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=719&h=e7a2c369ca17be0fd608657a078d88ca7c249de0a8a9e040ad826bc91cf23bf8&size=980x&c=3643291615 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F636254158442286657874672184_desk-chair-samanthapanther.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D719%26h%3De7a2c369ca17be0fd608657a078d88ca7c249de0a8a9e040ad826bc91cf23bf8%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3643291615%22%7D" expand=1]

"I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words."


34. It's important to live in the moment.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F03%2F18%2F636254194610539540-898713580_nick-miller-knife.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=220&h=0969ba396391eef0167300324e9821e0d9e0b4cef32e4b5bb069983d511a9d5e&size=980x&c=3852137447 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F03%252F18%252F636254194610539540-898713580_nick-miller-knife.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D220%26h%3D0969ba396391eef0167300324e9821e0d9e0b4cef32e4b5bb069983d511a9d5e%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3852137447%22%7D" expand=1]

"I know this isn't gonna end well but the middle part is gonna be awesome."


35. Drinking makes you cooler.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2017%2F02%2F22%2F636233234497452996-1882373579_cocktail_zps5e46e6ca.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=196&h=0af573f65f0083e8adeb89609777347622ee74011b79798afbf98f7631d3a2fe&size=980x&c=2470564834 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2017%252F02%252F22%252F636233234497452996-1882373579_cocktail_zps5e46e6ca.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D196%26h%3D0af573f65f0083e8adeb89609777347622ee74011b79798afbf98f7631d3a2fe%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2470564834%22%7D" expand=1]

Jess: "Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing."

Nick: "That's the only thing in the world I know to be true."

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