Spoiler alert. Massive, MASSIVE spoiler alert, friends.
I am now prepared to give you a word-by-word commentary on what my thoughts and very loud comments were this weekend for the most recent emotional hit of Marvel's cinematic universe. Be prepared. There will be blood, screams, and people crumbling into dust. Brace yourselves.
1. When Loki died: "Saw that one coming..."
2. When Tony and Pepper mentioned having kids: (unintelligible pterodactyl noises)
3. All of the Strange-Stark shade throwing: "There can only be one Sherlock. Let the battle begin."
4. When Gamora and Peter finally kissed: "YES! YES! FINALMENTE!"
Keep in mind I am whisper-screaming this in the middle of a theater. And I do not sound like I have the right to be speaking Spanish...at all.
5. Any time anyone did anything stupid: "No, you idiot!"
6. Any time anyone came onscreen for the first time: "My baby!"
No. It is not a coincidence that Peter occupies both of these points.
7. When the spidey-senses started tingling: "YAS! He's hit spider puberty!"
8. When Nebula survived the film and Gamora didn't: "Did NOT see that one coming..."
9. When Tony "knighted" Peter into the Avengers: "I'm so sad yet so happy at the same time!"
10. Anytime Mantis, Groot or Peter did anything: "You precious child. Survive this film."
Needless to say, I was very disappointed.
11. When Groot saved Thor by making the handle: "You are a man-Groot now!"
12. When we went to Wakanda: "Do they have a national anthem? I want to learn it."
13. When Okoye came onscreen the first time: "My lady." (bows from seat)
14. When Okoye, Natasha, Wanda, and Proxima Midnight had their BA girl fight: "I needed that in my life."
15. When Rocket asked Bucky for his arm: "I didn't know I needed that in my life until now..."
16. When M'Baku called T'Challa brother: "Where have you been all my life?"
17. The entire fight on Titan with Thanos: "If you kill any more of my babies, I shall murder you."
19. When Thor almost killed Thanos: "Yes! Take that, brother-slayer!"
20. When Thor didn't kill Thanos and instead enabled him to activate the Infinity Gauntlet: "WHAT?"
21. When Wanda died: "Saw that coming."
22. When Bucky died: "WHAT? WE JUST GOT HIM BACK, AND HE'S MENTALLY SOUND! WHAT IN CRAP, MARVEL?"
23. When Sam died: "Nope. I'm in denial."
24. When T'Challa died: (girlish gasp of horror)
25. When I realized I didn't know if Shuri was dead or injured: "If my baby has been killed, so help me, I will riot. The Russo brothers will rue the day they planned this!"
26. When the Guardians died: "But NOOOOO!!!! And - not that I'm complaining, but...HOW IS NEBULA NOT DEAD?"
27. When I realized Rocket was the only surviving Guardian: "How dare you mess with my emotions this way?"
28. When people started dying on Titan: "Oh crap... I know where this is going..."
29. When Strange died: "Wait...what?"
30. When I realized what was coming next: "Nope. Nononononononononononono."
For the next few points, Steve will be an accurate representation of me trying to hold back inevitable doom.
31. When Peter died: "Screw you, Marvel!"
Yes. I screamed this in the midst of a crowded theater. While sobbing. Like a baby.
32. When I realized Tony was alone on Titan after watching everyone die: "Dang it, stop making me feel things!"
33. When it cut to credits: "WHAT? NO!"
34. When it became clear they weren't messing with me and yes, I have to deal with a Marvel universe without T'Challa, Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes, the Guardians of the Galaxy sans Rocket, and Peter Parker for another year at least: "Really screw you, Marvel!"
But, because I'm a fan of ending my listicles on a high note: