When you're out to eat there's a whole world beyond the dining room that you'll never know exists unless you've had the blessing of ever waiting on tables. This world exists within your server's internal dialogue.

1. I'm basically paying for you to eat here.

Think of it this way, I rent my tables for the duration of my shift and like any business owner (the tables being my business) I outsource tasks to others. I pay my bartender to make your drinks and I pay a food runner to bring you your food. If you don't pay me for managing your meal for you I just paid for you to eat here, you're welcome.

2. The linen napkins are not absorbent.

You're just smearing the spill around.

3. There's a two-hour wait because our kitchen can't handle the volume right now.

Trust me, I want to turn tables just as badly as you want to be seated.

4. Stop modifying things, we make them that way for a reason.

And also my kitchen staff is going to scream at me for all of the mods. I really don't like being screamed at because you're "picky."

5. Don't order a water in addition to your drink if you're not going to touch it.

With every person you add to the table the chance of someone accidentally knocking over a full glass grows exponentially.

6. I love hearing your suggestions. It gives me something to laugh about in the back with my coworkers.

7. When I said I would turn the heat up I really did nothing then asked how the temperature was five minutes later.

Same thing with the music volume. It's a good thing you're so gullible. Also, when you asked me to "hook up" your drink I told you I did but actually did nothing.

8. If you're not my table don't ask me questions.

I'm not actually going to get you a side of ranch, maybe I'll get your server for you but chances are slim.

9. If there is no regular coffee brewed, you're getting decaf.

10. I would never eat in this restaurant by choice.

I only eat here because the food's dirt cheap with my employee discount.

11. Your quesadilla has been sitting under a heat lamp for the last 10 minutes.

And it's not (always) because I forgot it there... it's because it takes three minutes to make but everything else you ordered takes at least 15 minutes.

12. I would ask for plastic utensils if I were you.

But if you do ask for plastic utensils I probably won't actually want to get them for you.

13. I touch everything.

I put the french fries on your plate and the garnishes on your drink with my bare hands which probably haven't been washed very recently.

14. When I say no rush, it means "please get the hell out."

I either would really like to turn over this table, take a break, or go home. No matter what, if you're just hanging out you're wasting my time.

15. If you're allergic to shellfish why'd you come to eat at a seafood restaurant?

Don't say your allergic to something if you just don't like it... like cilantro, no one's allergic to cilantro.

16. If that was my kid I would've slapped him and told him to sit still 15 minutes ago.

While I was at it I would've taken away his third Shirley Temple (that is too much sugar for anyone to intake) and made him stop coloring on the table.

17. The angrier you get the less I care.

If anything your anger just makes me angry at you for being an asshole.

18. Do you make this much of a mess at your own kitchen table?

19. Your food's taking so long because I forgot to ring it in.

But I'm going to most likely blame it on someone else... "Sorry, someone took it out of the window and brought it to another table so we had to remake it" is my favorite.

20. If I said it's fine it's never actually fine.

21. No, we don't have cappuccino. Does it say Starbucks on the sign?

I used to work at a Starbucks and trust me, I'd never work at another place that requires me to steam milk again in my life.

22. I've had to pee for the past four hours but sure use up my spare time, I'll get your sixth no-ice-extra-lemon-diet-coke.

How haven't you peed yet?

23. The food's taking so long because you want five steaks well done, but that's fine, it's my fault.

And one of you is going to send it back because it's too chewy: still fine and still my fault.

24. Yes, I mind splitting the check.

When you split the check one of two things happens. Your table either way over tips me because no one knows how to read the "suggested tip amounts" (very good thing, preferred situation) or does the opposite and way undertips because they assume someone else will pick up the slack but no one ever does.

25. I laughed at your joke but really it just made me uncomfortable.

26. I may be smiling but I'm crying on the inside.

I'm so stressed I feel like my head might explode. I'm missing my grandmother's 90th birthday party to be bossed around by strangers right now and if I put my foot down I could potentially lose my job so I'm going to pretend everything is okay and maybe you won't notice me sobbing in the bathroom.

27. I didn't make the prices.

Yes, I know you think our prices aren't fair. I'll make sure to call up my boss's boss's boss's boss and let him know you feel like I alone am personally attacking you by deciding what your full rack of ribs cost you. Hey, and thanks for bitching about it so much my manager comped your drinks. I love watching my tip average go down and my voids go up.

28. There are only some times that it's appropriate to tell me that you presently do or used to wait on tables.

And it's not when you're trying to prove that you know more than me or when you're going to tip poorly.

29. We close at 12 but really don't even think about coming in past 10:30.

We've already cleaned up most of the place and are fixed to leave at 12:05 but than you decided to come in and ruin all of that becoming the universe's most hated person.

30. You don't have to tip but you also don't have to go out to eat.

I get it, some people just don't have money in the budget for extra expenditures like a $40 tip. But than maybe you shouldn't be ordering $200 worth of lobster tails and booze. I can tell when you have a certain amount you planned to spend tonight and I'm sorry but compliments just don't pay the bills so you should either budget at least 15 percent tip into that certain amount or just order takeout instead.

31. If you're cool, polite and courteous you're going to get a lot of leeway.

And if we're in a position to do so we might even score you some good deals.