I love a good joke. Even more, I love telling a good joke. According to my sense of humor, the best joke is actually a really bad joke that makes me laugh because of how bad or silly it is. Unfortunately, I’m a terrible joke-teller, because — and all of my friends can vouch for this — I laugh at my own jokes. Sometimes to the point where I can’t finish the joke. So it’d be great if other, better joke-tellers could take over for me.

But I’m not totally stopping, because, like one of my favorite songs in Mary Poppins, I love to laugh! (Loud and long and clear.)

1. Where does the king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

2. Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it’ll be a foot!

3. What do you call a masseuse who hates women?

A massage-ynist!

4. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents!

5. The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

6. What do you call a short psychic who’s escaped from prison?

A small medium at large!

7. What do you call a blind dinosaur?


8. What would a vegan zombie eat?


9. Does anyone need an ark?

Because I Noah guy.

10. Where does Frosty keep his money?

In snow banks.

11. Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side!

12. What did the overly-excited gardner do when spring finally came?

He wet his plants!

13. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener!

14. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?


15. What did the shoes say to the pants?

“S’up, britches!”

16. Voldemort: Knock knock.

Harry: Who’s there?

Voldemort: You know.

Harry: You Know Who?

Voldemort: Exactly!

17. Who invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference!

18. A man went to the zoo, and all they had on exhibit was a dog.

It was a shih-tzu.

19. Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they’d say, “Bach, bach, bach!”

20. What do annoying peppers do?

They get jalapeño face!

21. What did the shy pebble wish?

To be a little boulder!

22. What did the policeman say to his bellybutton?

“You’re under a vest!”

23. Why did the cyclops close his school?

Because he only had one pupil!

24. What do you call a sketchy neighborhood in Italy?

A spa-ghetto!

25. What do you do if you witness a ship wreck?

You let it sink in.

26. “What do we want?”

“Low flying airplane noises!”

“When do we want them?”


27. What’s the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

28. Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted!

29. What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

30. What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?

An investigator.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Now go and tell a joke to every friend you have and make them laugh and hate you at the same time! It's fun, I promise!