This past weekend I came to a sudden realization that "Twilight" is still a series that exists and I have access to all five movies. I, like many gross middle schoolers, read all the books after my mom gave me permission and I swooned at how amazing I thought they were. And I won't even lie about it: I definitely fantasized about meeting a guy like Edward Cullen. And now, roughly ten years later, I re-watched the films out of pure curiosity and boy oh boy do I have some questions about what I saw.
1. First of all, what was Kristen Stewart's face reactions?
Obviously, she's a much better actress than she was ten years ago. But we all have to admit that the face reactions, over-the-top sighs, and rapid blinking were just a little too much.
2. Why was Bella so darn clumsy?
There's no way anybody can be that clumsy and just that bad at staying on their own two feet! Falling down every once in a while is decent characterization, but for it to keep happening over and over and over is a little ridiculous.
3. Why does everyone in the new school know who Bella is immediately?
This confusion may lie in the fact that I went to a high school where just my graduating class had 700 students, and the idea of anybody being aware that there was a new student on campus was slim to none. But was the school really just that small that everyone immediately knew who she was and had to treat her like a celebrity?
4. Can we talk about why this was Edward's reaction after first seeing Bella?
Edward has zero chill, there is no reason for him to be that extra with his reaction to her walking into the room.
5. Was "It's the fluorescents" really the best excuse Edward could give when Bella questioned him about his eyes changing color?
You could've just told Bella she was tripping instead of making yourself look stupid with that lame excuse.
6. Why did Edward tell Bella they shouldn't be friends after he blatantly ignored her and looked like he wanted to vomit at the first sight of her?
It's not even like he was acting remotely friendly to begin with.
7. The scene where Edward acts like he's the worst monster imaginable, but then he just starts...sparkling?
Sorry that your diamond encrusted body doesn't immediately shout "Mass Blood-Sucking Murderer".
8. Also, the chimes sound effects is a little much.
This scene is ridiculous to begin with, and the idea of a vampire sparkling in the sunlight is already difficult to grasp in the first place, and the added chime sound effect makes this scene more comical than anything else.
9. And why did everyone just overlook the fact that Edward watched Bella while she slept? Why were we all okay with that?
THIS ISN'T SOMETHING TO SWOON OVER, BELLA. YOU HAVE A STALKER.
10. Also, how does Edward drive? He must need a driver's license and for that you need a SSN and a birth certificate and Edward's been alive since 1901, so how did that work out at the DMV?
These are the questions I need answers to.
11. And why did Edward keep repeating high school? Is he trying to torture himself?
My dude just enroll in college, you look old enough to be there. Why would anyone want to keep repeating high school, it makes no sense!
12. "You better hold on tight, spider monkey." Who allowed that line to get past the first draft?
All I want to know is how Robert Pattinson managed to say that with a straight face.
13. Why can't Emmett sit down in a car?
Clearly, these vampires have to be driving without a license because I see no possible way for them to realistically get one with their birth records, so why risk getting pulled over by a being a big old dumbo and just not sitting in the seat and wearing a seat belt?
14. Bella's response to Edward telling her he's designed to kill and wants to kill her is "I don't care"...Again, why did we think that was normal?
Girl, this isn't a flaw that you can just overlook in a man!
15. The paper cut scene where Edward yeets Bella into a wall...Yeah, what was that?
Not only did Edward unnecessarily throw Bella into a wall, but he escalated the situation by throwing her into some glass vases no less!
16. Why couldn't Jacob wear a shirt in any of the movies?
Was there not enough in the costuming budget for them to supply Taylor Lautner with a shirt?
17. And why, why, why did Bella tell Jacob to kiss her and then told Edward she didn't know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened, you literally just made out with someone who's not your boyfriend while your actual boyfriend stood 20 feet away.
18. Why was Bella more excited to see Jacob at her wedding than she was walking down the aisle to see Edward?
19. Just look at how happy she is to see him.
WHY WAS EDWARD NOT GIVEN THE SAME COMPASSION?
19. And why was everyone all on board for a 17-year-old Bella to get married?
My parents would never.
20. Did Edward have to be that extra and break the headboard/demolish the entire room?
Think of the people who work in housekeeping who have to clean that up...
21. Can we also talk about the horrible CGI effects on Renesmee?
In what galaxy does this look like a normal human child?
22. Jacob imprinting on Renesmee is a little much, right?
Well, it's still weird!
23. And can we all agree that Renesmee is the worst name in the world?
To be fair if it were a boy, Bella was going to name it EJ (Edward Jacob)...so maybe Edward should've held the reigns on the baby names.
24. Why do these movies even exist?
I wish I didn't return to my middle school years and re-watch these movies.