1. Significant Others. Whether you're the one bringing them, or its a sibling (or maybe even parent) it's just plain uncomfortable. Thanksgiving is the one holiday when people somehow decide to air all their dirty laundry and not give a damn about what they say - what a great time to introduce and promptly be dumped by your significant other!
2. The Children's Table. While I was spared this fate every year, millions of young American's are forced to try and enjoy a pleasant meal away with dinner-mates that can barely even cut their own turkey. Drinking merlot with someone who needs help holding a fork might be challenging.
3. Over-sharing. Maybe it's the turkey, maybe it's the gallons of wine that are making it around the table but eventually there is a large amount of over-share. You can count on your older relatives or family friends to mention at least one queasy medical issue, and one embarrassing childhood story every two hours.
4. It's just Christmas's Pre-game. Admit it, Thanksgiving is just a way to pre-game your stomach for the eventual month of binge eating and holiday parties. In any other world we wouldn't be prepared for the amount of cookies, cake and assorted cheeses that bombard us for the ensuing weeks.Thanksgiving pre-games for this and up's your tolerance.
5. The Stuffing Debate. Will the stuffing be baked in the oven to get a nice crisp edge, or will it be shoved in the anal cavity of a genetically modified fall foul? I choose the former. The stuffing debate makes people uncomfortable, as does their uncle's new wife, Pam.
6. The Inevitable Political Debate. Why can't we all get along? Full blown shouting matches over the death penalty, current president, abortion and gun control are sure to make it to the table. Nothing says relaxing meal like challenging everyones beliefs!
7. People Actually Being Thankful. I'm just here enjoying overconsumption at its finest and you're trying to make a sentimental speech about being thankful? More like you're happy we can be greedy pigs for the next 31 days with #noragrets. Simmer down and let me be unthankful and gluttonous.
8. Potato Choices. I love potatoes because I'm from the midwest, but when Thanksgiving roles around I feel a looming brain aneurism coming on. If we stuck with mashed we'd be fine, but then there's sweet potatoes with marshmallows. This too would be fine, but scalloped cheesy potatoes too? Baked? What the hell is this, stop.
9. Bodily Functions. Let's face it - when you're eating that much food do you really expect to not introduce some belch's, burps and noxious gas into the atmosphere? It's really pleasant to do when you're surrounded by people that you're generally trying to impress.
10. Your Parents Friends. They're uncomfortable, usually somewhat sweaty and tend to only ask you questions about your future. Avoid at all costs.
11. When is it ok to drink? If you aren't 21 but your parents let you drink during Thanksgiving, is it still ok to have wine if you are doing TX at someone else's house? What if your cousins aren't allowed to drink but you are? When does it end?
12. Black Friday. "Dear friends and family, let us enjoy and be thankful for this meal then quickly go to bed so we can wake up and potentially curb stomp another human so we get $20 off of a 26 inch television".
13. Parental Bonding. Every year my mother's version mum/daughter bonding is having me be the one that cleans out the bird and prepare it so I "can cook for my husband in the future". Nothing says family love like being forced to shove half your arm up a dead birds butt.
14. Drunk/Awkward Relatives. "Who ya playing tonsil hockey with?" might seem like a harmless question until your uncle asks it in front of your concerned father halfway through the meal. You can count on your relatives to make life painful for you even after they've left.
15. The Presidential Turkey Pardon. Officially having taken root in the late 1980's, the national turkey pardon is one of the most uncomfortable televised events of the year. Let us watch the president pardon a bird (that will probably be killed a few days later) so that he can go inside and eat a different one. Just uncomfortable.
16. Leftovers. "Did you enjoy the meal?" your mom might ask. Yes, and I will try to enjoy it for the next seven days since we cooked enough food to feed a small African country. Why is it ok to eat so much food so often?
17. Guests disgusting side dishes. Did you really think it was ok to bring some Jello fluff salad dish that's straight out the 1970's for this most sacred of meals? Being forced to smile at guests disgusting excuse for food will have you cringing for days.
18. What's in the Gravy. If there are giblet's I am straight up out. That is disgusting.
Thanksgiving is awkward. It's a lot of carbohydrates and a lot of memories you had buried deep, deep down that are brought back up for "old times sake". This year, pop some advil early and hide while you still can.
