A cruise is the closest thing to the Axiom space shuttle in the movie WALL-E. For those of you who aren't obsessed with Pixar/Disney movies and haven't seen WALL-E, let me explain it to you. First off, you should revaluate your life and go and watch all the Pixar movies right now. In the movie, human beings have left the planet Earth and live in a self sufficient floating ship, complete with anything you could ever want. The people, who are very obese, float along in chairs that have every amenity right at their fingertips.
A cruise is essentially that, except minus the floating chairs and a little less obese people. For example one of my cruises' amenities was "Get any food you want at any time you want." And they weren't lying. You want a vegetable platter delivered to your room at 2:30 in the morning? Not a problem. At one point I ate three ice cream cones in the matter of three hours just because I could. They say you gain five pounds on every cruise you go on, and as I button my suddenly tighter jeans, I have to agree.
There's also at least five thousand people that work on the cruise. Everyday a new worker would ask me, "Ma'am would you care for another vodka tonic this morning?" Who knows what happened to the guy that asked me that same question yesterday. Another genuine question, where does this massive crew sleep? Is there a secret basement they're not telling us about?
The thing about cruises' is that they are strictly meant for turning off all your responsibilities, and putting your control in the hands of the cruise ship. There's no wifi on the ship, so you literally have no idea what's going on in the outside world. Something major could have happened while I was on the ship and I would still be sipping on my morning cocktail with not a care in the world except what I was going to eat for lunch that day and if there would be room for an ice cream cone.
Don't get me wrong, I throughly enjoyed my cruise. How could you not love unlimited food and a 15-drink-a-day package? But if I had to spend another day on that boat, I think I would have lost my mind. Here's how the stages went:
1. When you book the cruise and decide to add the $300 booze package.
2. When you Google the cruise destinations, because you honestly thought the group of islands were just called the Bahamas, not separate port names.
3. When you finally get to your sailing date and you had no idea how long the lines were going to be.
4. Two hours later when you see how small your room actually is.
5. When you get your first drink out of fifteen and decide to ball out with an umbrella drink.
6. Then after four drinks you see the huge buffet of anything you could ever want to eat.
7. Going into the arcade wasted, realizing that everything's inclusive.
8. Getting off the boat on your first day at a port and realizing it's not all inclusive.
9. Succumbing to the locals bombarding you and getting your hair braided.
10. Struggling to push through the crowd and make it back to the boat on time because you're really not trying to get left on that island.
11. Going into the third day and noticing that everyone on the boat seems a little too happy to be there...brainwash?
12. Going to dinner the third day and being absolutely over all of the food that's being served
13. Going to get your 45th umbrella drink since the beginning of the cruise.
14. Going into the 5th day and the walls feel like they're closing in on you and you can't escape the boat.
15. Waiting to exit the boat in lines that are about 3 hours long.
16. Finally getting back to land, and away from your miniature twin-sized bunk bed.
17. Having to rip out the braids that you got on the cruise because it's killing your scalp.
Cruise at your own risk.
