Editor's note: The views expressed in this article are meant to be satirical.
This may cause a stir, but hear me out. The saying goes "Children are a product of their parents." They are easy to mold and train. Everyone, especially children, needs tough-love some times. I'm not saying you hit them hard at all and abuse them-- just a classic spank that has worked on countless children in the world.
1. That is how it was in the good old days.
Back when life was simple and children grew up to be wholesome adults that did not twerk everywhere, spanking was appropriate or even expected. Now most people will judge you if you even think about it.2. Children secretly want to be spanked.
Just like how golden retrievers want to be trained, kids want to be taught lessons and understand the real adult world. Of course, it will take a long time for kids to really understand the real adult world but spanking teaches valuable tough-love lessons.3. They will know what it is to be tough.
Children need to start knowing from early on how to be strong in life so they can get past common obstacles that everyone faces (unless you are the queen of Wales). That is why spanking can be so good for kids because it teaches them they can not just do whatever they want in life without consequences4. Kids have a lower pain threshold.
This is another one that is proven by science and personal experience. Have you ever noticed that kids are less sensitive to freezing swimming pools and shots at the pediatrician? There is a reason children are not as developed as adults and more tolerant of extreme senses. All the more reason it is A-okay to pat them on the bun or hand.5. How else will they know not to eat two desserts?
I know that spanking taught me moderation6. They have more bones so if they break one they will have spares.
It is scientific fact that children have more bones that they eventually grow out of then adults. They are supposedly softer and sometimes dissolve very easy so do not freak out if you think spanking somehow broke a child's bone because more than likely it is one they did not need anyway.7. How else will they know not to talk during wine time?
Children can be very unruly, especially when you have guests over to wine and dine. But it is a fact that children who are spanked are way more well behaved and will allow you to de-stress every now and then.
8. If you knock out their teeth they will grow back.
Everyone knows that baby teeth fall out-whether you pull them with a string or just wiggle them. If your child has a loose tooth it is still okay to give them a spanking if they deserve it because their teeth at this stage are not permanent (and if they are then your child is too old to be getting spanked!)9. Establish dominance over other parents in the room.
My mom hit me as a kid and broke my nose. I had to get surgery and now my nose looks better than it did before.
This one is personal and obviously it does not apply to everyone. But I am not the only one that this has happened to, my mom did not mean to hit me hard on the face. The accident changed me for the better, made my love myself more and I grew stronger.10. So your S.O. will pay attention to you.
This one does not apply to you if you are the super jealous type, but if you are really feeling neglected by your significant other maybe it is time for a wake up call, and let them know your child is not behaving right because of his lack of attention to both of you.
11. You have to show that women are strong.
It may be an olden-time thing, but spanking is more important then ever for the next generations so your kids will grow up knowing that women are just as strong as men and do not just cook your meals.
12. It is your kid so nobody else can judge you.
You can honestly do whatever you want in your household as long as you are striving to be a good parent. If anyone else tries to judge or criticize, who freaking cares? You know what is best for your kids; not them.
