Missouri, a mysterious place located in the center of America. It's been more than three years since I moved to the Show Me State, still the questions keep coming. Here are 18 looming questions Missourians must explain immediately.
Missouri, the mythical land that exists somewhere within the middle section of the United States. Where, precisely? No one seems to know. The state is a confusing combination of Southern and Midwestern cultures that seem to offer a glimpse of what would happen if Alabama and Minnesota had a love child.
Seriously, could someone please show me why?
3. How do you go through so much ranch dressing?
Ranch dressing is a staple throughout the Midwest, but Missourians have a particular fervor for the white condiment. Somehow, natives have mastered the art of smothering every food known to mankind in Hidden Valley. St. Louis even has a specifically ranch dressing themed restaurant with more than 27 varieties of ranch dressing on the menu. But that still doesn’t answer why you do it. Are Missourians born with an innate sense of which foods taste better with ranch dressing?
4. What precisely does the word "Alls" mean?
You can spot a Missourian by their use of the words “Alls” in place of the word "All". But what does it mean? Does the S change the meaning?
5. What is the weather going to be like tomorrow?
Unlike most states, Missouri doesn’t have one bustling city. It has two. Both Kansas City and St. Louis are amazing places buzzing with unforgettable architecture, sights and people, yet somehow Jefferson City- in all its bland, monotonous, glory- vanquished both hubs to become the state capital. Does anyone know why?
7. What exactly is a gooey butter cake? Where did they come from?
Gooey butter cake has a cult of followers in Missouri. People swap recipes and drive hours out of their way to get their hands on the dessert. You can find gooey butter flavored doughnuts, cookies, ice cream and more. Still, non-natives are left wondering what precisely makes up these coveted desserts? Are they butter? Are they cakes? Are they anything like cookie butter, in cake form? What makes them a gooey butter cake and not just a butter cake?
Don’t get me wrong, tailgating exists outside of Missouri, but Missourians seem to take it to a new extreme.
9. Why haven’t you renamed Kansas City yet?
The busiest, most culturally significant parts of Kansas City are located on the Missouri side of the state line, yet the metropolis is still known as Kansas City, or affectionately called KC. Can someone tell me why?
Full disclosure: I’ve never actually been into a Saint Louis Bread Co. but from the signs I’ve seen on I-70, the branding looks oddly similar to Panera…
Even the natives seem to disagree.
12. Why does Missouri have two baseball teams?
I’ve heard of beanbags before, but discovering corn hole was an entirely new experience. Missourians are fiercely competitive about the game and seem to begin practicing at a young age to hone these skills. Non-natives don’t stand a chance once the bean bags come out.
Rumor has it the government is hiding billions of dollars of cheese in caves in Missouri, following a huge bailout of the dairy industry. At first, the story seems to have the makings of any good conspiracy theory: government involvement, corruption, massive corporate monoliths, a plot that has infiltrated much of daily life, concerns for public health and facts that are nearly impossible to prove. Unbelievable as it may be, sources appear to have confirmed the legend. Still, I can’t help but wonder if it’s really true.
16. What does the word "Fixin'" mean?
But, Really? Are you sure it's okay?
And how have I survived 20 years of my life without it?