1. Want to go anywhere? Take US-19!
“I’ve never seen an accident on US-19,” said no one ever.
A terrifying every-man-for-himself concrete wilderness with the perfect combination of risk-taking dangerous young drivers, and the equally dangerous elderly drivers that should have been off the road years ago. Every parent’s worst nightmare, but there weren’t many other options that weren’t riddled with frustratingly long stoplights.
2. You can’t drive a mile on any major (or minor) highway without running into a strip club, or a strip club billboard.
If all that smut led to this man’s rise to fame, I say it’s worth it.
It’s not for nothing that Jason Jones proclaimed while covering the RNC in 2012 that was held in Tampa, “I’m here in Tampa’s famous strip-club district—or as they call it here, Tampa.” Bonus points if it’s next to a billboard promoting a church or denouncing abortion by preaching the sanctity of life because #morals.
3. No one in your area had a particular accent, yet plenty of your neighbors and acquaintances proudly toted a confederate flag as a representation of “southern pride.”
We may not have snow, but we more than make up for it in blind enthusiasm.
Said neighbor or acquaintance probably also had a pickup truck and/or a gun collection of some type.
4. When trying to find parking on Clearwater Beach, you always drove past Frenchy’s with a naïve optimism that there would be a spot open, even though there never was.
Bad for the arteries, good for the soul.
The proximity to both the beach and their fried grouper sandwiches is tantalizing. Everyone has that one time they found a spot in that small, crowded lot, and they tell it with the enthusiasm of a story about meeting a prominent celebrity.
5. Once giving up on the popular spots, you went to the one side street you found three years ago with your parents to park.
If your spot doesn't have a meter, that's when you know you've won.
The special parking spot is essential to being a regular beach-goer.
6. Driving through downtown Clearwater, you saw Scientologists. Everywhere.
Any outfit that plain, worn by that many people, is the universal sign for “I want to draw you into my cult that gets tax breaks so it counts as a religion.”
They were always walking around in their crisp little uniforms. They must have been drawn to our clear water and our poorly funded education systems.
7. You were amazed by the fact that they made the story of Winter the Dolphin into an entire movie, let alone a sequel.
A selfless doctor who convinces the prosthetic company to supply the parts for the tail free of charge, presumably by hypnotizing them with his soothing voice.
Going to the aquarium as a kid, the entirety of the story you heard was, “There was a dolphin that was injured and lost its tail, so we got some scientists to make a tail for it and then we put it on her! Science! Nowhere in that story was there room for a Morgan Freeman-type character.
8. You always had a two-year pass to Busch Gardens.
They had animals there, so that makes it educational.
Admission to a theme park and water park, free parking, AND discounts on Dippin' Dots? It’s like buying a ticket to heaven, if all tickets to heaven had Elmo’s face on the front.
9. You were always up to date on what rides Busch Gardens was building or renovating.
I see no way that this could end poorly.
You waited for months in nervous anticipation when you heard they were building a roller coaster that dropped at a 90 degree angle!
10. At least once around Halloween you went to Howl-O-Scream.
You were crying from laughing or laughing from crying.
You were in one of two groups: you thought all the haunted houses were a disgrace to the definition of “scary,” or you screamed your way through the entire park while clutching the person next to you in a death-grip of terror. There is no middle-ground.
11. If you didn’t live in a neighborhood that had the occasional alligator, one of your friends did.
"On my way to eat your dog."
“Sorry I’m late, there was an alligator blocking the road,” is a perfectly valid excuse.
12. If you didn’t have a boat, you were friends with someone who had a boat.
Be honest: it was this exciting to go out on a boat every single time.
People will put up with ridiculous amounts of your nonsense if you have a boat. You kept that one friend around because they had a boat, or you were kept around because you had a boat.
13. When you hear people complain about cockroaches, it seems like nothing to you because AT LEAST THEY DON’T FLY.
Samantha Bee looks how I feel every time I find one in the kitchen cabinet.
The name “palmetto bug” sounds much less intimidating, yet the reality is more terrifying than you can imagine.
14. Every time there was a hurricane somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, it was projected to go straight over your house.
Tuesday: On Thursday, Hurricane _________ is expected to have grown to a Category 3, and the eye of the storm will pass directly over your house. Thursday morning: JUST KIDDING!
Then, lo and behold, it veers off at the last minute. How convenient!
15. On the bright side, another hurricane means another hurricane party!
In Tampa, inflatable dolphins are the third most popular mode of transportation.
You see a flooded street, I see an opportunity to break out my inner tube without having to drive all the way to Rainbow River.16. You were never a fan of our sports teams, unless they started winning.
When the Rays made it to the World Series, suddenly everyone and their mother was "a die-hard Rays fan for life!"
When they're winning, it's "Go Rays!," but when they're losing, it's "I never liked them anyway."Growing up in the Tampa Bay area had its perks and drawbacks, but between the beautiful beaches and the mild winters, I wouldn't have wanted to grow up anywhere else.
