It is my sad duty to report that "Fifty Shades of Grey" and the reason for my premature grey hairs has officially launched a trailer for its sequel, "Fifty Shades Darker." As of September 14, it has officially broken the record of "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"for the most trailer views in a 24-hour period.
Dear God, why? How is it even possible that this pile of sexist trash made enough money to make a sequel? In order to find out, I subjected myself to multiple viewings for your enjoyment. Here's what I thought of while watching it.
1. How lazy can you possibly be?
These complete hacks — they didn’t even both picking another song for the trailer. It’s just another cover of "Crazy in Love" but with a MALE singer this time, Miguel if you must know. There have been exactly six billion songs written about a toxic love and about six trillion covers of them. You couldn't look a little bit farther into your daughter's iTunes library?
It's like they know that the movie they actually made was so forgettable that nobody would recognize that this was the sequel's trailer UNLESS they used that song. Beyonce deserves so much better.
2. “Forget the past and slip into something a shade darker," is a terrible tagline.
This means exactly nothing. I don't know what hungover intern decided this made any sense, but it's probably a good idea that they're not getting paid.
But I guess I shouldn't be surprised by a tagline inspired by a script that contains lines written by the person who wrote "I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of 'The Communist Manifesto.'"
3. Is that the cologne "Creep" I smell, Christian?
Anastasia and Christian broke up in the last movie — and he seems to ply her trust by expensive gifts and emotional manipulation. Don't believe me? Film Theory did a video about how Christian Grey uses the same method that cults use to draw in victims.
Go ahead, and watch it. Lonely Island and I will be waiting.
4. Jamie Dornan DOES NOT want to be there.
I'm glad to see James Dornan seems to bring exactly nothing to this portrayal of a soulless emotional abuser … I mean loving, fantasy boyfriend.
For real though, I think Dornan knows exactly how messed up the premise of the movie is and just really needed the role for money. I'll never blame someone just for getting work, but I think he's doing just enough to get away with being sexy but still trying to communicate "RED FLAG" at every turn.
5. I can't wait for CinemaSins to get their hands on this!
Wait, how long was he standing in the middle of the room waiting for her to come in and look at him?
Check out their video on the first movie here!
6. This is what turns people on? Nine million of them, apparently?
Look guys, either write a shower sex scene where everybody’s naked or don't. This is a franchise that's supposed to be all risque and sexual, and there has been and are thousands of ways of showing that onscreen.
Don’t try to PG-13 wuss out of it by making me look at people slip around in an open shower. There’s no way I believe that O-face while everybody’s still got their pants on.
7. I don't know why anyone is doing anything.
Look, I didn't watch the first movie, but I did skim through the book this one time. Mostly so I could revel in the terrible writing as mentioned in entry #2.
Christian called Anastasia "the one," but why? Besides the obvious sexist undertones of the Perfect Virgin inspiring the Handsome Devil to change his ways by the power of sex, I don't know what they value in each other. They don't have any real shared interests, ideals or hobbies.
Anybody who thinks this movie is romantic should really consider going into therapy.
8. Anastasia still doesn't have a spine.
Okay, punishments and secrets I get. But no rules? I know she means the S&M stuff, but guys. Relationships have rules and boundaries for a reason. The fact that your previous try had rules that went beyond those boundaries was THE WHOLE PROBLEM.
9. Don't make me think of better books.
NO. Don't try to be all "Jane Eyre" with that Mrs. Rochester fake-out. Have the decency not to remind me of something I’d rather be reading than watching this cinematic version of terrible porn.
10. Sexual harassment is a day-to-day occurrence.
Good God, can we make one movie where this isn't portrayed as such a common thing that women just have to accept it as part of the workplace?! Or even worse, something that you need to be saved from by another man?!
11. Older, sexually active women are evil witches.
We know Kim Basinger's a scary, domineering older woman because she’s WEARING A SUIT HEAVENS TO BETSY. Because she wears the pants in the relationship.
Do you get it guys? DO YOU GET IT?!
12. I'm really hoping Christian dies a fiery death.
Oh, the helicopter’s going down. It’s too much to hope for that he dies right? *pretends I don't know there's a third movie in the works*
13. I'm so tired of this, and it's been maybe 90 seconds.
"Do you think you’re the first woman who’s tried to save him?"
No, I have to just accept that my partner has a storied sexual history while I have to be prim and virginal in order to control his fiery lusts. Because this movie wants to be Victorian in ALL THE WRONG WAYS.
14. No Hugh Dancy and Tyler Hoechlin are in this?!
WHY? WHO DO THEY OWE MONEY TO, I DEMAND TO KNOW!
15. Final Thoughts...
I find it hilarious that this trailer ends with the audio “Oh no no” because that’s exactly my thought at the end. In summation...
If you want to see for yourself, check out the trailer here.
