Ah, the Disney musical romance. Does this not define your childhood? The prince saves the princess, they kiss, we sigh and project unrealistic expectations onto our own lives. Yet, I find that, with my 20th birthday fast approaching, I am now older than the majority of Disney characters and I have yet to find "the one," as Anna of Arendelle so romantically puts it.
As I reflected on the films of my childhood this Valentine's Day, I realized that there are not many people in Disney films that I would take dating advice from. And, shockingly, most of them are decidedly not princesses. Certainly, none of them are the romantic leads - though some are married.
Now, don't get me wrong. There are certain characters that aren't necessarily doing it wrong, they just aren't ones that I would look at and say, "Dang, son. You're doing something really right!" There are, however, others that I decidedly would not ask for advice in this particular area of life.
So, today I will examine which characters would be your go-to for dating advice, and which ones you should avoid at all costs.
1. Edna Mode - Yes
"What are you talking about?...Pull yourself together! What will you do - is this a question? You will show him that you remember that he is Mr. Incredible. You know where he is. Go! Confront the problem. WIN! And call me when you get back, darling. I enjoy our visits." - The Incredibles
I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I need to be slapped upside the head with a rolled-up wad of newspaper. And yet, Edna still manages to give Helen a pep talk while quite literally knocking some sense into her. That is A+ dating advice, E.
2. Cogsworth - NO!
"Well, there are the usual things...flowers, chocolates...promises you don't intend to keep." - Beauty and the Beast
For one thing, this moment right here is where I lost my faith in Cogsworth's sanity completely. That little tidbit he offered to the Beast began the tipping point. Um, men - and women, for that matter - keeping your promises is usually a good thing. And intending to keep them from the beginning is a good start. On the other hand...
3. Mrs. Potts - Yes, please!
"It's not that simple, Lumiere. These things take time." - Beauty and the Beast
Patience is indeed a virtue. And let's face it. Cogsworth may be the head of the household, but this chick keeps it running. She's got to have some knowledge on the subject. And she does have a good bit of advice for the Beast here: If you're just now meeting the person, I repeat: They are not going to be in love with you just yet! These things do indeed take time, so patience and perseverance are good.
4. King Hubert - Nay!
"But Hubert, they're not even married yet!"
"We'll take care of that tonight!" - Sleeping Beauty
Good lord, man. Stop trying to rush love. Granted, he did say this while he was very drunk, but even on that note, taking dating advice from a drunken man is likely a very bad idea. I honestly have no further comment on His Royal Majesty. Just no.
5. King Fergus - Please, yes!
"I don't want to get married! I want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen, firing arrows into the sunset!" - Brave
Well, he certainly understands what Merida is going through. The great thing about Fergus is he wouldn't push you, and might even be able to sympathize - concerningly well, actually. However, have you seen his relationship with his wife? If you've moved past the aggressively single phase and want some solid relationship advice, this might be the guy to go to.
6. Ariel - NO! DECIDEDLY NO!
"Daddy, I love him!" - The Little Mermaid
Girl, you just met him! Where is Mrs. Potts when you need her? These bloody things take time! Also, you are a 16-year-old mermaid. The phrase "many fish in the sea" applies literally here. Honey, you have time and more options. Leave the humans for...well, us humans. Please.
7. The Genie - Very good idea!
"Tell. Her. The. TRUTH!" - Aladdin
Considering the movie, no one ever said advice not taken wasn't good advice. And this is some seriously good business here. If Aladdin had just told Jasmine he was the boy from the marketplace she fell in love with, we would have been saved a lot of trouble and misunderstandings. A marriage based on lies? I have serious fears for them. Listen to the Genie, people! He's been around for more than 10,000 years!
8. Mother Gothel - Aw, HECK NO!
"Rapunzel, why would he like you? That's demented!" - Tangled
Okay, with the reality check, you also need whoever is giving you advice to build you up, not tear you down! Also, it would be helpful if she didn't exactly stab whoever it is you like. Just don't go to the murderers, and we'll be good.
9. Kristoff - Yes, yes, fifty thousand times yes!
"Hang on. You mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met that day?" - Frozen
I would like to point out that Kristoff is practically the only person from Frozen I would take dating advice from. Mostly because he's the most emotionally healthy of them all. Also, if you don't love him...you should. Kristoff is realistic, but he doesn't necessarily shy away from the idea of love. Plus, if he's been living with the "love experts" most of his life, he should have a fairly good idea of what this should look like.
10. Frollo - Get back, thou heathen!
"She will be mine or she will burn!" - The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Hmm. Keeps Quasimodo locked in a tower his whole life. Is verbally and mentally abusive. This man and Mother Gothel would be a match made in heaven. Also, gives Esmeralda the choice of being his or death. Well, I'm going to be honest...this one seems self-explanatory.
11. The Hook Handed Thug - maybe
"Go. Get your dream." - Tangled
Actually, this guy would just be a good advice giver in general. But it just so happened that Rapunzel's dream became Eugene. So, dating advice applies here, too. I feel like the thug with the extra toes might benefit when he finds true love.
12. Snow White - Nah, bruh.
"He was so romantic, I could not resist." - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Okay, first of all, if a dude is just creepily watching you over your castle wall, you reasonably should resist. Especially if you've never met him before. Also, she thought it was a good idea to marry a dude who kissed...well, yes, her, but she was kind of a corpse at the time. Let's not.
13. Ray - YAAAAASSSS!!!!
"Looks how she lights up the sky, my belle, Evangeline." - The Princess and the Frog
So, Ray is great. And he has some solid words, not only for his belle Evangeline, but also of advice for Tiana and Naveen. Plus...any man - or bug - who knows that this is how you talk to your woman is worth asking advice of. Take notes, gentlemen.
14. Hades - Actually questionable, but...
"He's a guy!" - Hercules
The good news? Hades has a marvelous sense of direction. The bad news? He also has an awful habit of making gross generalizations. Hey, ladies: There are some quality guys out there. I know several that any girl would be lucky to date. So, yeah, Hades, I'm going to have to give you a no, purely because I still have hope for the male race.
15. Tadashi Hamada - Um. Yes.
"I'm not giving up on you. You don't understand yet, but people need you. So let's get back to work." - Big Hero 6
I mean, let's be honest. Forget asking Tadashi for dating advice, just straight-up date the man! Ahem. Sorry. Moving on. But, that aside, if Tadashi is wrongly not the object of your affections, just look at him pep-talking Hiro here. Read what he said to Baymax. Do you not feel motivated? Do you not feel on top of the world? I get the feeling Tadashi is that friend everyone goes to for advice.
Incidentally, yes, you may cry now.
Honorary Mention: Fairy Godmother
"Even miracles take a little time." - Cinderella
Honorary mention because of that quote, but she seems to contradict herself when she gives a, well, time limit. Uh-huh. She's dubious.
Anyone not on this list? Yeah, you can go to them for advice, but at your own risk. I've warned you away from some and directed you towards others. Now, fly away, you Disney loving lovebird. Fly and go put this advice into practice.
