You want money. Do these things, get money:
1. Take surveys online!
There are many companies out there that will pay you to say good things about them under the guise of improvement! Be careful, though. If you leave a bad review, it will be disregarded!
2. Use coupons!
Take some time and cut out some coupons, you sad little excuse for a human being.
3. Invest in the stock market!
If you like financial dependency and being a corporate slave, invest in some stocks! If you make money, you can claim that you are more intelligent than others. If you lose money, you can complain about the failing economy.
4. Sell drugs to children!
There's a lot of money in this business, and it will only take you about an hour per week (or however long PTFA meetings last).
5. Rob your local convenience store!
Pretty straightforward: point your finger at the guy at the register and give him a stern look. You will get large amounts of cash. Repeat biweekly.
6. Sell your blood on the black market!
This will only take about 20 minutes, and it will give you a great sense of kindness when you think about all of the people you have saved from hospital bills! Offer your blood for about half price, and you'll still get a decent amount of money.
7. Time travel into the future, steal a sports almanac, discover that you can't travel back in time, cry about your now-dead friends and family, and sell the sports almanac for a small amount of money!
Do this once per week and you'll make at least $100 per thousand years!
8. Be a white male!
I've been using this strategy for my entire life, and it's worked for me so far!
9. Rob your local bank!
Most people don't know this, but it is a very simple task to go to the front desk of a bank and politely request all of their money. Hint: It helps if you are holding a deadly weapon.
10. Hijack a school bus full of children, drive it into the woods, and work for the local police as you try to solve the mystery!
You can't say you haven't thought about it once or twice!
11. Rob your local retirement home!
Those people have lived most of their lives already, which means they are free to spend their lifetime savings on oatmeal, grandchildren, and you! Go ahead and take that money for yourself, they won't mind!
12. Avoid working for non-profit organizations!
Non-profit is just a fancy name for waste-of-time!
13. Rob your local children's hospital!
Okay, this is actually pretty screwed up. Therefore, only do this if you absolutely have to. Like, you just ordered a pizza but left your wallet in the car. That sort of thing.
14. Do something that you're really passionate about, then win the lottery!
It is important to be yourself and do what your heart most desires! But you probably won't get any money from that, so just put all of your desperate hope into the rigged game of the lottery! If you spend $3 per week on a lottery ticket from the ages of 21 to 70, you'll have spent $7,800 trying to get undeserved money, all the while ignoring what truly makes you happy. America!
