I have never loved something the size of a pumpkin this much. My sister is having her baby in a few weeks and over the past 9 months, a series of questions, ideas, and needed warnings about our crazy family have popped into my head. I’ve decided to share them here. Maybe my nephew will see them when he’s older and think his aunt is super cool for writing an article about him (a girl can dream).


1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME???

Since my sister won't tell me yet. I have a few more weeks but I just gotta know


2. I'm going to give you all my money and you'll just puke on me

But that's okay, because you're going to be so damn cute I'll look past the mess

3. Please don't hate me, please don't hate me, please don't hate me.

Love me, please. I just want to take you on adventures and have my own tiny sidekick who adores me and gives me baby cuddles.

4. Can we wear matching outfits?

Yeah screw gender stereotypes. I want to match the love of my life. I already bought him a onesie with the "Where the Wild Things Are" nook cover on it and a t-shirt for me to match so... you literally have no say in the matter at this point

5. You're probably going to know me as "Auntie college-chick-whose-life-is-a-mess" for the first four years of your life

Maybe that'll make me the fun aunt. I don't know, do babies like frat parties?
(I'm kidding, Mom chill)

6. Please be healthy, and if you're ever not, know that I will be there

When mom needs a nap and dad has to work, I'll be right there to wipe the snot off your face, cook some chicken soup, and watch cartoons with you.

8. I'll bake you cookies but I want hugs in return

This is a two way street man. I don't care if you're 13 and think you're too cool, you're hugging your Auntie Fi.

9. We can play dead park ranger

Yes. You heard that. It's a family tradition. Welcome. It's where I take a nap and you act like I'm dead. (I'm sorry, I can't not mention how many times this was played in my household when I was little and overly energetic. Adults need nap time too)

10. As you grow up, you will know you can tell me anything

Because no matter what you've done, I've probably done worse and I won't tell your mom on you (just don't tell mine on me).

11. But, when you screw up, I'll let you know, and then forgive you

Because true love is keeping someone else sane- not sugarcoated, and having a never-ending supply of forgiveness.

12. I will be the lamest auntie wing-woman ever

No teenage boy wants their aunt in their love life. But I'll be there anyway. I'm a cool aunt.

13. I'll be screaming the loudest at your graduation, just like your Mom and Grandma did at mine.

Crap I'll be so old. You'll probably have siblings. Jesus maybe you'll even have a cousin from me. Oh my god existential crisis. But yeah, you were at my graduation (granted you were forced to be present in utero) so I'll be there for yours too.

14. You will be greatly loved

Not just by me, but by everyone who is already waiting to meet you, and probably most people you come across later in life. You're being welcomed into an insane family soon, so brace yourself, but know that with all the intensity comes an intensity of love that can save lives. Know that the women in your life are protective mama-bears, badasses who will kill for their cubs, but will make you laugh so hard you'll pee your pants. Know that the men in your life are strong, loving, and fun and will be there for everything from late night diaper changes to driving lessons, laughing the whole way. And know that each person loves you in their own way, but together we are your army, your web, your backup, your support and will be at your access whenever you want us, and even when you don't.