So you've probably seen there's some big thing going on between Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, and Taylor Swift. I don't really understand it, but I guess Kanye wrote a line in some song about Taylor, Taylor got mad about it, Kim says that Taylor's lying about Kanye getting the green light on Taylor for the line, Snapchat, blah blah blah, Instagram/Twitter fight or something. Look, I get that folks have their feuds. That's cool and all, and that's their business. But the thing is, it's just really not that fascinating to me. Taylor is famous for being a pretty good singer, Kanye is famous for being a pretty good rapper, Kim is famous for... I honestly don't know what the hell she's famous for. Anyway, it just appears to me they're being regular people who have squabbles - I just don't really get the cosmopolitan allure to it. What a handful of celebrities do in their free time is beyond my scope of interest. That said, I've decided to entertain myself by creating a list of things I care about more than #KimExposedTaylorParty.
1. Watching late night infomercials
After watching forty minutes of demonstrations for Flex Seal Liquid Rubber Sealant Coating, I think there are, like... two things I could use it for. Maybe three if I'm feeling especially proactive around the house.
2. Scratching my butt
I got some poison ivy on my hiney two weeks ago (long story) and it's still giving me hell.
3. Having a staring contest with a dust mite
Truly fascinating creatures.
4. Catching that Rattata across the road
Oh, wow, that's the 37th one I've seen this week, and it's only Monday.
5. Seeing how many times I can watch Too Many Cooks before I slip irrevocably into madness
Go ahead, try it yourself!
6. Finding out exactly how soon the creepy killer guy starts showing up in Too Many Cooks
Hint: it's WAY sooner than you think.
7. A telemarketer's entreaties to purchase overpriced knives
Well, I guess I don't have a good, quality set of stainless steel kitchen knives with complementary American oak storing block in my home. Please tell me more about potentially acquiring these things.
8. All those emails I've received from that rich old lady stuck in some hospital in Ivory Coast
Wow, what a nice ol' lady. All she wants is my SSN and date of birth, and I get $3.5 million!
9. Finalizing and cross-checking all those damn spreadsheets for my boss
I see Microsoft Excel in my sleep. Cells and columns and rows, as far as the eye can see.
10. Figuring out how in the world I'm going to clean the basement
Don't even know where to start. Screw it, I'm going upstairs to make a sandwich.
11. George R.R. Martin's health and longevity
No, seriously, he needs to stay alive and finish those books. I've read like 5,000 pages of him ripping my heart out with all the characters he kills, he can't die on me yet. A Song of Ice and Fire will not go unfinished.
12. Whatever Jeb Bush is up to these days
Yeah, you remember that guy? What a nice fella. Wasn't he running for president or something?
13. Trying to bond with my family's new cat
Maybe I should try calling it by its real name instead of just "Cat" or "Kitters" or "Meowzers."
14. Figuring out what the hell I'm gonna do with my life
I'll figure it out. Everything's fine. I'm good. I've got a plan. No I don't.
Well, that's what I've got, folks. Ultimately, what you're interested in is up to you. All things expressed herein are just my opinion as all. Anyway, Kimye and T-Swizzle, y'all keep it real and manage to get all your stuff straightened out, OK?
