As someone who’s had many different “flings” and “things” with different people, I know what it’s like to have something end and ask yourself: Should I have seen this coming? What did I do wrong? Luckily, with all of this experience, and the experiences of my friends, I’ve come up with a few answers – a few signs that a healthy relationship will not result with your crush, hookup buddy, or what will you.
Now, this article is from the perspective of a girl, so is mostly for a female audience, but guys: feel free to put the gender-swap on these and see if you relate.
1. If he is a renowned player.
Let’s start out simple. There is a reason why girls are attracted to the “player.” He’s hot, he’s got confidence, and he makes you feel like you’re the only girl in the world. Or, when he pays attention to someone else, that only makes you feel jealous and gives you an urge to prove yourself to him.
Your friends warn you against him, but you push them to the side. Because you think you will be that girl to change him, because you’re just that awesome. And you are awesome!
But you will not change him. Don’t worry, I’ve fallen under this conviction too many times myself.
Guys in this college age just want to screw everything that moves, and the hot guys can, so they do. It’s better not to get your heart set on someone who will just stomp on it. You are better than that, and you’re worth so much more, girl!
2. If he mentions a previous relationship or emotional attachment.
He’s not refusing to hang out with you, or denying that he sees you as romantic potential. He’s just warning you. But he still kisses you, and gives you the attention you want, and you think he’s just about the best thing since sliced bread. Until he’s had enough, and drops you on your butt. He wants to go back to that other girl, or doesn’t think he can consider anything serious because of that other girl.
But he warned you, remember? There’s no one but you to blame, or so he asserts. My advice: if from the beginning he’s talking about “a girl back home” or a “psycho girlfriend” who ruined relationships for him, run for the hills! It’s not you, he’s just not even close to ready for any sort of commitment.
3. If you only hang out when you’re drunk.
Drunk flirting is fun. Drunk hookups are fun. But if you two aren’t doing anything together sober, it’s a bad sign. I once was convinced that a guy was totally into me, because for about a month and a half all the two of us would do was hang out on the weekends. He’d talk to me really intimately and we’d make relationship decisions at like 1:00 AM. But that relationship was just an illusion. Drunken decisions concerning relationships aren’t really decisions at all, unless you follow up in the daytime. Plus, a guy drunk – you drunk, even – can be very different from when he’s sober.
4. You ALWAYS hook up when you see each other.
Again, the physical relationship you have with a guy can be very important. It reveals how comfortable you feel with him and how attractive you find him. It gives you a different level of intimacy with him than you have with other people. But you don’t really know a guy unless you’re just chilling without sex (or whatever you’re comfortable with) hanging over your heads. Do you even like spending time with him when you’re not locking lips? Does he like you when he knows he won’t end the night with a bang? This is really something to consider, and if you’re not sure, just put yourselves in that platonic situation and see how it goes!
5. If the conversation is not all that colorful.
When/if you do see each other in a sober, non-sexual environment, this is your best gauge of how compatible you two are. If you can’t really find anything interesting to talk about, and that spark isn’t really present, it’s not really worth pursuing. Odds are, his conversational skills aren’t going to improve all that quickly. Unless, of course, you’re just looking for that physical relationship; in which case, you do you!
6. If you can’t answer basic questions about each other.
This is sort of a follow up to 5. If you have had multiple opportunities to talk, get lunch, and get to know each other, you should really have gotten past small talk. When your mom (all excited on the phone that you have a crush!!!) asks why he’s majoring in what he is, or what type of music he likes, you should be able to answer. Again, I’m the biggest culprit of this. Sometimes you just like to stare at that pretty face but you’re not listening!
7. If you two started out as friends, but he has already hooked up with a different person in the friend group.
This is a more personal reason, but I’ve actually talked to a few friends who ran into variations of this situation. I had one close guy friend who had started out hooking up (plus feelings) with one of my close girl friends. That ended relatively quickly, and they both moved on. Then he and I started hooking up (+ feelings), for a bit of a longer period. It seemed like it was different with us. But the thing is, if he’s already used to being intimate with your close friends, things won't end too differently for you and him. If anything, it will probably be first come, first serve, to put matters crudely, and the first girl friend he hooked up with will come back around eventually. Plus, you don’t want to put your friendship with a close girl friend on the line for any guy.
8. If you spend more time worrying about the relationship than being happy about it.
I know girls have a tendency to freak out about all the little things: text messages, how many times he snap-chatted you, what his exact facial expression was when he passed you in Lower Dining Hall. And that’s perfectly normal, at the beginning crush-stage of a relationship. But once you guys have established that you’re a “thing”, you shouldn’t have to worry so much. Don’t sweat about how not to do or say the wrong thing. Be happy and confident in your relationship!
9. If you talk to your friends more about “where you are” than you do him.
In a healthy relationship, you need to communicate, and make sure you aren’t having miscommunication. It’s great to talk to your friends about your relationships, that’s what they’re there for! But you need to be able to ask him about the obstacles your facing, and feel comfortable discussing how you want to work through them and move forward.
10. If you don’t feel comfortable texting him.
Texting is the main mode of conversation in the modern world, if you’re not face-to-face, and weirdly enough, it can be a big part of a relationship. Everyone knows the warm feeling in your stomach when your phone lights up and it’s his name. But sometimes, you feel as if you can’t text him.
“Am I coming up too desperate?”
“But I’m the one who sent the last text!”
If the guy is really worth it, he’s going to want to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to him. He should put no doubt in your mind of that fact.
11. (Follow-up to 10) If you feel like you’re working too hard or you care more about the relationship.
It takes two to tango, as my mother would say. A relationship is about both of you working together to make something great. If you find yourself feeling really insecure about how mutual the affections are, you should probably step back and re-evaluate. Because you deserve someone who cares just as much about you as you do him!
12. IF HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
Open-relationship or not, if he has a girlfriend: Do. Not. Touch. There are just a whole lot of emotions that you don’t want to get caught up in. If, best-case scenario, he does break up with his girlfriend, he’s not going to be ready for another relationship so soon. If he is in an open relationship, and decides to hook up with you in the mean time, he’s never going to be able to give you the emotional connection you’re craving. I’ve been down this road, as have some of my friends, and it’s just too messy.
13. If he is moving or transferring.
If you meet this guy knowing that he’s not going to stick around for too long, give yourself a break and hold off any feelings for him. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but if you know from the start it can’t go anywhere, protect that heart of yours and stay friends! Long-distance relationships rarely work, as everyone knows.
14. If he is too career-oriented.
This last point is directed towards those in their senior year: leaving college and about to start their careers. It’s awesome to have an ambitious boyfriend! But just beware if he will give you the same attention when he actually has that job he’s been working toward. You two might be working in different directions in life and love.
That’s about it! Hope I could shed some light and I didn’t come off too cynical! I am in love with love, but it’s still good to be careful when exploring the dating pool. Stay strong, ladies and gents!
