I am of average height, and my legs are not abnormally long; however, for some reason, my walking speed incites griping and complaining among many of my friends. Always two (or 18) steps ahead, I'm forced to crane my neck in order to make eye contact with my walking buddies, and I must obey the commands "slow down" and "wait" far more than a punctual person should ever have to. To my fellow fast-walkers, I understand your frustrations. What follows is the daily frustration we all must endure. Be strong, brethren.
1. Walking down narrow sidewalks is your nightmare. No, like, it's haunted your dreams. People get chased by a monster, you walk on narrow sidewalks.
2.You judge people who take their dogs on walks on the busiest streets in town. Either that dachschund has a growth spirt in the next 10 seconds or you pick that pooch up.
3. You get angry when people don't just choose a side. Are they zigzagging because they haven't had their coffee or are they deliberately messing with us? I say, if you drive on the right, you walk on the right.
4. You despise those people who shuffle along the street until after you've passed them, and then, suddenly, they are in a huge hurry and are breathing down your neck. Did you really not know how slow you were going?
5. You stop yourself from flat-tiring the man walking in the middle of the sidewalk (who is usuallytoo busy on his cell to notice your attempts to skirt around him). Though it's definitely double points for a flip-flop-flat-tire.
6. You get judged as pushy for saying "excuse me" as you pass, when, in reality, you're just trying to be polite.
7. You wonder how people moving at such glacial paces could possibly need to swing their arms as much as they do.
8. Then you start to feel self-conscious about your own arm swinging.
9. You step out in front of cars way too often to get around people. And then people think you're crazy for doing it.
10. You wonder why groups walk in lines across the sidewalk. They can't possibly converse that way. Not to mention, they're creating an impenetrable wall.
11. You think that young couples with babies are the cutest...until they're window shopping in front of you with a stroller.
12. Contrary to popular belief, you are not trying to power walk, and you are not running late. This is your natural walking speed.
13. You're always planning your next move, because walking down the sidewalk is like a game of frogger.
14. And, no matter how hard you try to enjoy strolling through the park, you simply cannot slow down. Beautiful! K, let's go.
