Hey, it's me, not in audio but in the form of words...and I am guilty, I am guilty of not caring enough. How do I live with this pain you ask? Well, it is simple, but to really understand you have to go back to the beginning. This is my tape.

I met you when we were in middle school. I was the new girl and no one talked to me at school. If they did it was to make fun of me. Dorky and nerdy no one really wanted to get to know me. I was so very lonely, why I went to that school dance was beyond me. I think it was my mom forcing me to go, who knows it has been 15 years and my memory is a little fuzzy.

I walked into the school dance and walked over to the people who allowed me to sit with them at lunch. At this point, I was still invisible, I really wish I would have stayed that way. I sat in a chair and watched as my classmates danced, smiled and had a good time. There you were, in the middle laughing and having a good time. Party boying (yes that was a thing when I was in middle school, look it up) the seventh-grade girls. You looked like a lot of fun, like you didn't take life to serious. A friend.

I will never forget that moment, you walked up to me and asked me, "Why is a pretty girl like you doing over here all alone? You should be in the middle where you belong." I don't know if you knew this, but I was struggling too. I was lonely and you invited me in. You and I danced the rest of the night. I'll never forget your mustard yellow and brown polo you wore. You were not the most popular guy in school, but you made me feel like I belonged there. And how did I repay you?

That whole weekend I thought about you and saw your face in the clouds. I know stupid 15-year-old brain being stupid, but I did.When Monday rolled around, low and behold there you were at my locker. Goofy smile and wavy blond hair. You carried my books to class like a true gentleman, poking fun at me and making me laugh. I really wish that moment could have lasted forever. You dropped me off at my history teachers class and ran off towards the shop rooms. That moment ended, then came my part in this.

See she was a super popular girl who sat in front of me. She was always nice to me because I let her copy my homework. She slipped me a note (because handwritten notes were a thing back then), "Are you and Mr. Blond going out?" I wrote back, "I donno maybe? He is cute, funny, and sweet." She wrote back, "Don't go out with him, he has a medical condition that makes him excrete poop out of his skin. He always smells bad and he shit his pants in the third grade." I wrote her, "OMG did not know that, thanks for the heads up."

The rest of the day I avoided you. Until I couldn't avoid you. You and your friend were in front of my locker and would not move, "So do you want to go out?" I froze, I didn't know what to say or do. "sure" I stammered. The rest of the week I didn't talk to you. I ignored your phone calls to my house, I ignored the cute notes you put in my locker, I ignored you when I walked by you in the hallway. I didn't acknowledge that you wanted me to come watch you play football and I ignored your plea to go to the game on Friday. Finally, you wrote me a note saying you didn't want to go out anymore. In a weird way, I liked you and wanted to be your girlfriend. But in my immature adolescent mind, I couldn't be with you because it would hurt my own reputation. I didn't know how to react and honestly I feel like a complete asshole for treating you that way. I never quite understood exactly why but I always figured it was because I didn't talk to you enought that we broke up.

I won't lie, I watched you grow up. I watched you in high school. We talked a lot before you died, mostly about being single parents and how lonely it really is. I never really thought of you as more than a friend. But sometimes when I think of you, it is really hard on me because I always wonder what would have happened if she would never have given me that note full of lies. I feel like a failure because I saw how much you drank on Facebook and did nothing. I saw the sadness in your eyes. I don't know what you were going through, I never will. But I am sorry you left and I feel guilty like I could have done more.

I was so angry at you at first. Then I cried. The perk of being graduated and an adult when something like this happens is that no one can see you hurting. See you were the goofy kid that was kind to me, and I couldn't even throw you a life line because my life has been hell over the last 6 years. I was alone too. The week before you died you reached out to me to see how things were, and I felt like I had my goofy friend back. We shared our stories about how we used alcohol to cover the pain. You were my kindred spirit and a good friend. I am sorry I failed you, I feel like I should have contacted someone...been more concerned even though you told me not to worry.

I am so sorry Buddy...I am so sorry and I cannot change what happened. Your life will not be forgotten and you were the inspiration to help me with my own demons. Life really is too short to forget about the goofy boy who was my first friend at a new school.