It finally happened! After years of being one huge presidential tease, Donald Trump has actually announced his candidacy for president of the United States -- a job almost as important as deciding whether Gary Busey should be fired.
Trump has big ideas, big money, and a really, really, really big ego. If you're bracing for him to yell, "You're fired!" to his opponents at the polls, fret not. Here are 13 reasons why Trump will never be president.
1. He thinks of America as a business.
“We need somebody who can take the brand of the United States and make it great again.”
America is a "brand"? Last I checked, we were a country, not the Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City. (Cue flashback to Pixar's "Wall-E" with the Buy N' Large company destroying the world.)
2. He says he might run every election year.
Trump has toyed with running for office in 1988, 2000, 2004, 2008 and 2012. It would seem he loves to use the presidential election as a personal PR machine, considering he gets some extra screen time to mention all the hotels he owns and TV shows he stars in.
3. He's turning the election into a reality TV show.
“We will continue onward with 'Celebrity Apprentice' and making lots and lots of money for charity."
Good thing he mentioned this one, because my primary concern is that my favorite reality TV show will continue if he is busy running a country. Honestly, even if the show was canceled, the other 20 candidates are currently working on their own "Big Brother: White House Edition."
4. He thinks he's God's gift to the world.
“I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created, I’ll tell you that”
There you have it. God endorses Donald Trump. At least on jobs. Hairstyle is a different story though.
5. He thinks the person with the most money should win.
Trump claimed to be the "most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far." Previously he said that he owns a "Gucci store that's worth more than Romney."
Trump/Gucci 2016!
6. He speaks in the third person
On Tuesday, Trump claimed, "No one would be tougher on ISIS than Trump."
Ugh.
7. He has no faith in economists.
“According to the economists, who I’m not a big believer in...."
Donald Trump has a bachelor's in economics from the University of Pennsylvania.
8. He thinks America is a third world country
“You come in LaGuardia Airport, it’s like we’re in a third world country… I come back from China. I come back from Qatar and they have the most incredible airports in the world.”
You want a nice airport? The Donald advises live under an authoritarian government.
9. He can create a website for $3, when it cost the U.S. $5 billion.
“I have so many websites…. I hire people. They do a website. It costs me three dollars.”
Can I get that promo code for my next website? You saved quite a bit of money there.
10. He thinks owning golf courses is relevant.
“Obama is going to be out playing golf, he might even be on one of my courses. I would invite him. I have the best courses in the world.”
Did I mentioned how successful I am?
11. He knows the facts better than the professionals
“Our real unemployment is over 20 percent. Don’t believe the 5.6.”
By "real" he means the stuff he made up in his head. Or was it made up on his head by that critter who undoubtedly whispers sweet nothings into his ear?
12. He likes to play Mean Girls with his competition.
Trump has a little Regina George up his sleeve when he casually mentioned in his speech Tuesday morning that the two escaped prisoners happened to have escaped from a prison named after Clinton. Coincidence?
13. He would do, and get this, "things."
“Just to sum up, I would do various things very quickly.”
Thingz!
So Mr. Trump, you want to be president? Let me spare you the suspense of the primaries and just say, "You're Fired!"
