Today I'm going to talk about the only movie you ever need to see in your entire life besides "American Psycho:"

"127 Hours" starring James Franco. For those of you with no taste in movies, who haven't seen it, the plot can be summarized as "James Franco gets robbed of an Oscar." Oh, and I don't want to hear any complaining about spoilers because this movie has been out for like five years. Everyone knows what happens at this point. There are statutes of limitations on these things. That's like getting mad because I tell you that at the end of "Titanic" the boat sinks.

So when I went to see this movie, it was still in theaters. I knew absolutely nothing about the plot going in. The only reason I even went was because my friend was dying to see it. Little did I know, I was in for the cinematic experience of a lifetime. This movie blew my face clean off and gave me a multitude of health problems just from how good it is.

First of all, the scenery is stunning. As the movie is opening, you get these huge, sweeping birds-eye views of canyons. I was lucky enough to see it in Imax, and the experience was so incredible that my eyes melted out of my head and dribbled into the smuggled in soda I was drinking. Anyways, James Franco plays an outdoorsy man with a penchant for danger who's out canyoning on the weekend. He's riding his bike around, crashing it, and then just standing up and brushing himself off like he's in Grand Theft Auto But With Bikes and Canyons™.

Then, James Franco meets some girls in the canyons and I thought this movie was going to have the one thing that kills all movies: a stupid, random, pointless love interest subplot. I'm pretty sure one of them was on "General Hospital." James Franco tells them he'll go to their party later, and I was so sure this was going to turn into a shitty romcom. I got so angry that I pulled an Exacto knife out of my purse full of contraband M&Ms, jabbed myself in between the ribs and gave myself a pneumothorax. Keep in mind I saw this before everybody knew the plot, so I was fuming in my seat (as much as you can fume with one lung).

Then, this happened.

Holy. F**k. I start hyperventilating because one lung isn't enough to supply the oxygen to deal with all the adrenaline from this crazy sh*t.

James Franco's arm is caught between a rock and a hard place, leading me into the next thing that makes this movie awesome: there is only one character who matters. There's no supervillain who's destroying the city "'cause evil lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯." There's no super alpha bitch girl who lives, breathes, and sleeps bullying because the most popular girl in school not having anything else going on in her life is totally realistic. The enemy is a rock. Rocks definitely exist. I have seen them many times. This movie is so scary and intense because it's so realistic.

"No it's not! He could have just called 911!"

Okay, dipsh*t, first of all how much cell phone service do you think you get in the middle of the desert in Utah? Don't answer that, f**k you, doesn't matter because this actually DID happened. The dude that this movie is based on actually had this happen and then had to amputate his own arm with a sh***y no-brand multi-tool. What a bad*ss. But forget all this because I didn't know this happened when I saw the movie, so keep following me.

So James Franco is an engineering student, and sets up this pulley system to attempt to lift the rock off him arm. The rope is too loose. It's not taut enough to lift that heavy of a rock--Archimedes be damned. He's not using his math-smarts to get out of this one. James Franco pulls out one of those little multi-tools, and fiddles with making cuts on his arm. I get on the edge of my seat, but then he realizes that he can't cut through the bone. I fall backwards and collapse in my seat. I consider stabbing myself in the other lung but realize that I'll need at least one to bitch about how I wasted my money on this dumb movie I could have pirated.

Then some pointless stuff happens about dehydration and James Franco's hallucinations and drinking his own piss. Then, the movie makes a complete 180. You can see the look in his eyes when he realizes what he has to do, like a young, male Meryl Streep. He starts cutting his arm. I'm like "idiot, you just tried this, it didn't work." James Franco whispers to himself "don't pass out." I'm like "what?"

HE WAS TALKING TO ME. Holy. F*ck. I scrape my plural fluid off the movie theater floor and pour it back into my stab wound because my breathing is so labored from all this bad*ssery that I'm putting myself at risk for an embolism. James Franco just cut through his f***ing nerve in his arm. If you know anything about nerves, you know they're usually not big enough to make a bundle like that--those were a lot of nerves. What just happened is the equivalent of you getting stabbed in the genitals but like 1000x worse. Plus, that sound effect still haunts my dreams at night to this day. Sh*t. So then, when most of us would be too busy throwing up blood to even think about anything else, he flies at his arm with enough torque to open a cement-sealed pickle jar, breaking both his arm bones. Sh*t. And even after all this excruciating pain, this bad*ss continues to cut through his arm and climb out of the canyon. Meanwhile your and my bitcha**es complain about paper cuts.

This movie is objectively awesome. Everything about it is great. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you absolutely need to drop what you're doing and see it right now. I don't care what you're doing. At work? This movie makes a great motivator, pumping your employees full of adrenaline will make them work harder and better. Babysitting? This movie is a great way to introduce kids to the fact that the world sucks and they are mortal beings. See if Billy goes running in the road after seeing this. I can't wait to teach my kids about death with this movie one day.

Overall, I give 127 Hours 127 stars out of 5. See this movie.