Conversing with strangers is hard. Here are some ways to get you started. Disclaimer: friendships and/or dates not guaranteed.
1. “Hey, what’s up, hello.”
It's the best way to start a conversation with someone as soon as you walk in the door. You and your new bestie will be baking pies in the kitchen in no time. Warning: Pies may contain ingredients produced in a facility that handles peanuts. Eat with caution.
2. “What color is your toothbrush?”
Not only is this a great way to start a conversation, it’s a great way to find out if someone actually brushes his/her teeth. People love to talk about their dental hygiene, so don’t be surprised if this conversation goes to floss and root canals. Warning: Conversation will be awkward if you or other person is colorblind.
3. “You look nice today.”
A compliment always makes someone’s day a little brighter. Make sure to emphasize the “today” to let the person know that s/he doesn’t look nice every day. Warning: Use your pauses correctly. You don’t want to sound like you’re commanding someone to look nice today.
4. “Don’t touch that; that’s my beluga whale.”
Everybody loves beluga whales, and everybody wants to touch beluga whales. After the other person says, “But your beluga whale is so cute,” you can say, “Whale, I guess I can make an exception for you.” If the other person begins to cry, tell him/her not to blubber, and invite him/her over to your house to see your beluga again and to have a cup of coffee. Warning: Conversation only makes sense if you have a beluga whale with you.
5. Dance at someone.
Dancing at someone is a great way to let that person know that you’re not too busy to have a conversation with him/her. Make sure to make constant eye contact and to smile. Warning: Wear goggles. Pepper spray burns.
6. “Hi, can I have a chicken burrito?”
Chipotle workers have to talk to you, even if they want nothing to do with you! Make sure to be polite and to not get angry when they tell you that guacamole is extra. Warning: When they ask if you want brown or white rice, don’t respond with “yes.” Come on, just don’t.
7. “I didn’t wash my hair today.”
This is a foolproof way to let people know that you don’t buy into the myth of human uncleanliness perpetuated by the shampoo industry. You can later bond together by gallon smashing bottles of Garnier in your local Price Chopper. Warning: Inappropriate times to tell people this, including but not limited to: funerals, court appearances and while working on group projects.
8. “Hi, my name is Daniel.”
That’s how I met my best friend. His name is Daniel, too, so that’s probably why we we're friends. It probably works if the person you’re talking to isn’t named Daniel, but I don’t have any evidence to support this. Warning: Only works if your name is actually Daniel.9. “UHHH MMMM GRRRR NNGGG BAAA.”
Oh, is it hard for you to talk in that dentist’s chair? Maybe you should have flossed. Dentists love to talk, so I can’t help you here. Warning: The dentist may scratch your gums. Don’t scream.
10. “Harry Truman. Doris Day. Red China. Johnny Rae.”
If the person responds with, “South Pacific. Walter Winchell. Joe DiMaggio,” you have found a lifelong friend. Proceed to a karaoke bar and finish the song. Warning: There is confusion as to whether or not you're supposed to sing the chorus.
11. “Have you met [insert your name]?”
Referring to yourself in the third person shows self-confidence and demonstrates your ability as a leader. Next time you’re in a bar, try it on the second pretty girl/guy you see. Let the first pretty girl/guy go by to build your confidence. Warning: Remember your name. Nothing is worse than telling someone a name that isn’t your own.
12. Tell a joke.
A generic joke is fine, maybe something about whatever is going on around you. It’s good to make people smile. You might also look less crazy than if you had brought up a nonexistent whale and seem less intervening than if you had brought up dental hygiene. Warning: Make sure to look your best. People like people that look nice.
