For the last 15 years of my life, my father has been absent. I do have an amazing father figure in my grandfather, but that is not the same as growing up with your biological father. From the time I was 10 years old, I have struggled with everything from relationships to thoughts about the future. Here are 12 ways that having an absentee father has shaped me:
1. I crave male attention.
When I say that I crave male attention, I do not mean that I sleep around or that I cannot be monogamous in a relationship. I mean that the majority of the friends that I have are male, and I am somewhat of a serial dater. I seek attention from the opposite sex to make up for the attention my father did not give me. I need a physical and emotional connection with someone. For example, when I am dating a guy, I feel as though I have to be touching them. Whether it be holding hands, cuddling, or just a hug, I need a physical connection. I also find it comforting to have a man around. Every man in my life fills a tiny piece of me that has been missing for almost 16 years.
2. It is harder for me to trust anyone - especially men.
After my father left, I developed some pretty serious trust issues. It takes me a very long time to be comfortable enough with a person to open up to them. I even find it hard to trust friends and family. My trust issues become a bigger problem when I meet a new guy. It is difficult for me to let them in and let my guard down enough for us to get to know each other. Why should I get close to someone, and trust them, when they’re just going to hurt me?
3. Fear of rejection.
One of the biggest issues I have faced in the wake of abandonment is an overwhelming fear of rejection. I was rejected by my father, at only 10 years old. I fear that every man I talk to will reject me, so I have a bad habit of pushing them away before they have a chance. Because of this, I cannot stay in a relationship for long. I know someone will eventually come along and not allow me to push them away, but until then, I will continue to use this defense mechanism, without realizing it until it’s too late.
4. Fear of abandonment.
Another reason that I cannot get close to anyone is that I am absolutely terrified that they will leave. I even fear that my mother will leave, although I know she never will. When I was younger and my mother and I would argue, I would be scared to death that she would leave. To this day, she does not know that. Now that I’m older I understand that she isn’t going anywhere. Just like with my fear of rejection, I push people away for fear that they will leave me like my father did.
5. I’m stronger than I need to be.
Being hurt so deeply by someone you love will strengthen anyone. I have had to overcome being left by every little girl’s first love, her daddy. The man who is supposed to teach you to drive, scare boys away, and walk you down the aisle. The amount of pain he has caused me has made me so much stronger than I ever thought I would be. The adage, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” could not be more true.
6. I fear that my children will experience the same hurt that I have.
No child should ever experience a parent abandoning them or a parent not loving them. I have an intense fear that my future child will experience this, just as I did. Not only am I afraid that my children will not have a dad; I am also afraid that history will repeat itself, and I will reject or abandon my kids. I would never intentionally hurt my child, but I cannot predict the future, and that scares the hell out of me.
7. I’m skeptical of love and relationships.
Having grown up with a single mother who never remarried, or had a healthy relationship, I haven’t been able to see what true love looks like. I have seen divorce and heartbreak. I have only felt heartbreak myself, so it is difficult for me to believe that love exists, and relationships work.
8. I have no sense of a healthy relationship.
Although my parents were together for 10 years before they divorced, even as a child, I could tell that they were not happy. My father remarried shortly after he left us, but my mother never did. I did grow up watching my grandparents, and seeing how much they love one another, but that isn’t the same as seeing your parents in love. Every little girl needs to watch her father love her mother so that she knows how a man should love her. I have never had that.
9. My walls are always up.
I no longer let anyone in, my walls never come down, and I do not open up to anyone until they gain my trust, which rarely happens. When I do trust someone, I am constantly on guard. I put up a tough front, but honestly, when it comes right down to it, I love to love and be loved.
10. I have low self esteem.
Feeling like it is your fault that a parent does not love you will make you feel worthless, as if you are not good enough for anyone. That has most definitely taken a toll on my self esteem. I didn’t have my dad to cheer me on when I tried different sports, or when I found my love of singing and started participating in choir. He was not there to tell me how beautiful I looked for prom, and he was not there to show off his pride when I graduated from high school. Of course, the rest of my family did those things, but I still missed having my daddy there.
11. I am so much closer to my mother than I ever would have been.
Being raised by a single mother was not easy. We have struggled since day one with everything from finances to our relationship. Now that I am older, I realize what a strong person my mother is. We are closer than I ever would have expected. She is my best friend, my mother, my father, and everything I have ever needed all rolled into one. She taught me to drive, she meets dates before I go out, and she has provided for me for my entire life. Having such a strong, independent, loving mother in my life has proven that I did not need my father to begin with. She’s all I needed and I think I turned out pretty good.
On December 2, 2001, in the parking lot of our elementary school, my father told my sister and me that he would never see us again. That was 15 years ago, and I have spoken to him only once since then. He claims he loves us and wants a relationship with us, but he makes no effort. I still have no idea why he chose to leave us, and I’ll probably never know. If I could, I would tell him that I forgive him, and I would say, "Thank you." Thank you for giving me life, thank you for giving me an amazing little sister, and thank you for choosing to leave us. It may have been difficult, it may still hurt, and it may have changed me, but it made me a better, stronger person.
