Coming from the middle of suburban New Jersey -- where, I now realize, there’s a high level of just driving past grass fields on local roads -- driving through cities for the first few times was terrifying. Here are some thoughts I had when I drove in a panic through Baltimore and D.C. for the first time.
1. Why are there traffic lights every five feet?
Seriously? People can walk further than that to cross the street. People can crawl further than that.
2. Why are there so many buses, and why are the buses always directly in front of me?
Is it like a school bus where I’m not allowed to pass? Oh, I can pass? Doesn’t really matter since the bus takes up seven and a half lanes and half the square footage of China anyway.
3. Pedestrians can be so frustrating.
Especially when they slowly sashay across the road -- even when I have a green light -- or they start walking out just as you’re passing, so you feel like they’re going to walk into the tail end of your car.
4. So much awkward eye contact with the drivers in the cars next to you.
Why must they be so close?
5. What does “flight enforced speed limit” even mean? Is this for real, or is this just to scare me out of speeding?
Should I be concerned?
6. I am definitely in the wrong lane.
Why are there so many “left turn only” and “right turn only” lanes? Ahaha, what is even happening?
7. Why is rush hour from like, 2 p.m. to 8 p.m.?
Basically, why is every hour rush hour?
8. How am I supposed to squeeze past these street-parked cars without taking off my side mirror?
9. 99% sure that Satan himself designed traffic circles.
How exactly do you expect me to change lanes while whirling around in a circle?
10. Why do one-way streets exist?
Always gotta make it so I'm doing something illegal, hmm?
11. The truest way to see someone’s personality is to see if they’ll let you merge in front of them or not.
Well, asshole, I see you’ve cut in front of me. Congratulations. I hope that’s the biggest accomplishment you ever achieve in your life.
12. Parallel parking. Enough said.
Pictured: a kid who parallel parks 100,000,000 times better than me.
