This past Monday, I celebrated my first year anniversary with my indescribably radiant girlfriend, Marysol. We're not sure if we could have ever predicted such a lengthy and eventful adventure this time last year, but we've managed to make it this far with no signs of slowing down. Relationships look easy, breezy, and beautiful on Instagram and Facebook, but every passing month comes with difficultly-learned lessons and obstacles overcome. I want to celebrate not just all of the beautiful moments she and I have shared, but also the ugly ones. The scary ones. The sad ones. They are just as pivotal to our health and growth as the happy moments and I think it's important to be open about them. So, here are twelve lessons I've learned about love in twelve months of falling into it.
1. Space, the final frontier.
Be honest about needing space and be honest about needing attention. Your partner will never be able to read your mind and they will never appreciate having to interpret your mixed signals, body language, or social cues in order to figure out whether or not they need to leave you alone. If you're feeling overwhelmed, smothered, anxious, or anything of the sort, just let them know. It can be as simple as, "I think I'm going to spend a few hours by myself. Is that alright? Let me know if you need anything." Alternatively, let your partner know if you need a little extra affection here and there. It may feel 'clingy,' or 'needy,' but they want to make you happy and you need to tell them how they can do so. Again, it's as simple as, "I'm not feeling so hot. Can you come sit with me for a few minutes? I just need some attention right now."
2. Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before. And that's okay!
Learn to love your partner when they're not with you. And I don't just mean love them when they're away- I mean love who they are, love what they do, love their interests and quirks and jokes and mannerisms when they're with other people. They have different lives and different paths and different histories with people who aren't you, and that's okay! These differences may confuse or upset you, but you have to remember that they're still the same person you know and love. And you have to let them be who they are with their friends and family.
3. Major key alert.
I know it's cliche, but communication really is key. It is, without a doubt, the most important romantic skill you can learn. And it's best to learn it sooner rather than later. Communication can be difficult, I know. It can be difficult to look your loved one in the eyes and tell them you're upset or angry or sad or doubtful. But nothing is worse than waiting too long and allowing one or the both of you to eventually get hurt. I know it takes time to learn, but try to be vocal about your concerns as soon as you feel them arising. You will both be thankful for it in the long run. If your heart is hurting, you must tell the person who is holding it what's wrong.
4. Keep some things on the DL.
Try to keep some secrets if you can, okay? I know it's common rhetoric that you have to tell your partner everything that's going on in your head and in your life, but that's simply not healthy. You should never feel pressured to disclose everything about yourself to another person. Honesty and communication are necessities, of course, but you're allowed to keep some things private. I'd actually recommend it. So go ahead- make a Finstagram. Make a private twitter. Don't disclose your blog's URL. Keep to yourself whatever you choose. You're not lying or deceitful for doing so; you're simply exercising your right to privacy.
5. Keep the elephant out of the bedroom.
One of the best pieces of advice my dad has ever told me is "Don't go to bed angry," and I've held it close to my heart to this day. Putting off difficult discussions until midnight, electing to sleep in the middle of an argument, or going to sleep before properly communicating your feelings can only result in tension, heightened agitation, and a much worse talk later. What we've found works best for us when the night comes and there's an elephant in the room is to get in bed, cuddle really closely, and express our feelings as calmly and as slowly as necessary. It's less tense and less scary than sitting across from each other at a brightly-lit dinner table, and it results in easier discussions and better mornings.
6. You don't have to say "I love you" to say I love you.
Some people save the one-four-three for special occasions, other people throw it around as frequently as they breathe. It doesn't matter which side you choose, as long as you only say it when it feels natural. I tell strangers I love them every day. I tell my friends I love them. Waiting four months for my girlfriend to say it first was the hardest thing I'd ever done. But, now that we've been together for a year, I don't say it as frequently as I thought I would. Sometimes when she tells me she loves me, I respond with a joke or a nasty face or a compliment and it's not because I don't love her; it's because it doesn't feel natural in the moment for me even though it might for her. Really, we should all learn other ways to tell people we love them. Try telling people they inspire you. Remind them to text you to let you know they've gotten home safely. Compliment people's abilities to cheer you up. There are a million ways to tell someone you love them without dropping the one-four-three.
7. Thanks, Valley Stream South High School.
My high school's motto was "Small acts of kindness can make a big difference." We even gave out t-shirts to kids who, like, did good deeds and stuff. It was cheesy, but the line has stuck with me and I've learned what a big difference small acts of kindness really can make in relationships. These small acts can be anything- like picking them flowers on the way home or buying them an article of clothing you think they'd like or even just making them tea when they're stressed out. Things like these take only ten minutes or ten dollars of your own to completely surprise your loved one and remind them that they're always on your mind.
8. What's mine is yours.
I've written about this concept before, but its relevance reappears more frequently than I ever thought it would. In fact every time my dad calls me, he lets me know that he's taken that particular article of mine to heart and remembers it every time he introduces his girlfriend to something important to him. Sharing your passions, hobbies, and interests with your loved one is so rewarding. At first, if you're particularly protective over your interests, it may seem daunting to introduce your partner to something you cherish so deeply. But watching someone you love experience something you love for the first time is so exhilarating! And then you're able to share experiences and emotions with them over something the two of you can enjoy! Who knows, you may even get concert tickets or cool t-shirts out of it.
9. More than just Netflix and chilling.
Never. Stop. Dating. And I don't mean just curling up together with pizza and a good sitcom on the weekends. I mean going out to dinner. Taking walks in parks. Visiting museums and galleries. Shopping for clothes. Grabbing coffee. Don't get complacent and lazy now that you two are established and never stop being excited that you're in a relationship with someone so damn interesting. Your partner is so, so cool and the best way to ensure you're always getting to know them better is by hitting the town with your arms linked and your conversations engaged. Star in your own sitcom together.
10. Peer review- not just for high schoolers anymore!
Don't be afraid to criticize your partner when they make unhealthy decisions, need life and social advice, or ask for legitimate critique of their work! It's not mean or abusive to offer constructive criticism where it's applicable or requested. When my partner needs help, whether it be with her friends, family, or writing, I will never disrespect her by offering smiling lies or empty suggestions. If she is leaning towards a decision that will ultimately hurt her, I will not be afraid to tell her not to. If she asks for a second opinion on a poem, essay, or email, I will not be afraid to tell her where and how she needs improvement. When someone asks for your help, passivity is not the answer.
11. It's like that one episode of HIMYM where Marshall and Lily get locked in the bathroom together.
Don't put too much pressure on milestones. Again, I've just written an article on this topic but it will always be relevant. No matter how many issues of Cosmo you read or how many BuzzFeed quizzes you take, milestones are not end-all, be-alls in relationships and there is no particular order in which you and your partner should hit them. You may never feel comfortable hitting certain milestones with your partner and that's fine! No one should feel forced to fart in front of a loved one, alright? Anyway. Hitting milestones can be fun and exciting and something to celebrate but don't let anyone fool you into believing they are telltale signs of healthily progressing relationships. Go your own pace and just enjoy the ride.
12. Mutually beneficial or bust.
This is a tough one. It's the toughest one I've had to learn and I can admit that I still haven't quite nailed it yet. But I'm trying, because it's one of the most important lessons out there. Either your relationship is equally fulfilling, energizing, and (most importantly) healthy, or it can't be. No ifs, ands, or buts. Relationships are at their most essential about equality and if one partner is suffering, then that crucial equality is missing. Imbalances can arise from an infinite number of causes: dips in mental health, trauma, stress, situational changes, etc. And a temporary or sudden imbalance isn't a death sentence. It doesn't mean one partner is a bad person or that the relationship is doomed. And regrowth is possible. But if there are no signs of regrowth- if the partner most responsible for the imbalance shows no sign of improvement or willingness to improve, then something must be done and change must take place. The two of you need to always be working together to make each other happy, and sometimes that means one of you taking some steps back and improving yourself before you can fully commit to the betterment of another person's life. It can be hard. It can be scary. It can be sad. And figuring out all of this can be the most daunting task in the world. But it's a responsibility and a pretty good life lesson. Don't let your own hurting cause pain for someone you love.
I'm still learning. We're all still learning. But we can all agree that the people we love deserve our best selves and achieving those selves can take time! It can take time and effort and hard work but a healthy, positive relationship and a healthy, positive self will make all the determination worth your while. I promise.
