As February begins to come to a close, I know that I am starting to look forward to the warmer months ahead. That's right, folks. I am talking about summer. In my younger days, summer meant long days of doing basically nothing except eating, sleeping and maybe hanging out with friends if we ever left the safety of air-conditioning.
Now, I am apparently an "adult," it means that I am currently deep in the search for a job. It doesn't help that I am also 3,000 miles from the homestead, and can't just fly back for a weekend if it turns out they want an interview. For those of you who are fortunate enough to not understand my struggle, here is a little insight into the abyss.
1. Finding the motivation to actually go on the Internet and look for jobs
The first step to any major task is actually trying. You put on your sweatpants, open up your Mac and get yourself fired up because you can do this! Two hours later, you will find yourself binge-watching "The Office" and crying over Ben and Jerry's. I mean, it's pretty much the same, right?
2. Being overwhelmed with all of the information
You go to Google, enter in jobs near me, and a whole host of information comes up. You start looking at it only to realize that more than half of it is irrelevant because job sites never update their information and most of the posts are from 4 years ago. You now have to sift through pages of sites to actually find something worthwhile (#firstworldproblem).
3. Finding out that most places require two plus years of experience
No matter how much you think the position is entry-level, it turns out that apparently you need a lot of experience for pretty much every job you can find. You would think that working as a cashier would be as basic as it comes, but companies prefer for you to have "customer service experience." Sir, I have been in school for the majority of my life on this earth. I have not had time to breathe, let alone get customer service experience.
4. Finding a really good option only to find that it is unpaid
The only point of getting a job is pretty much money. After all, it can be traded for goods and services. Why on God's green earth would anyone think that at this point in my life, I can afford to be working over 20 hours a week for no pay? I have bills to pay (and by bills, I mean brunch). If the baby boomers want to complain about how lazy we are, let them take a stab at the job market. We will see who's complaining before long.
5. Realizing you have found nothing in the three hours you've been looking
You anticipated some struggle, but this is unexpected. Your eyes are blurry, there are tears streaming down your face and there is chocolate stains all over your hands. You honestly are contemplating becoming a hermit or marrying a wealthy millionaire to take him for all he's worth. Yet, you soldier on.
6. Finally finding something you are qualified for and is paid
After what feels like a lifetime, you have finally uncovered a small gold nugget of opportunity. You read over the details and find everything is adding up according to plan. You daydream about your life in your new job with all of the business casual wear J. Crew can sell. You will go to meetings and take notes and be the best thing they never knew they needed.
7. Trying to figure out what a resume and cover letter is
Before you can actually live out your fantasy, you have to send in your credentials. You soon realize you were never prepared for this as a youth. A cover letter? What even is that? What does it do? Resume? Do you even have anything to put on it? Where was the class where they taught you how to actually be an adult? I should have signed up for that one.
8. Actually writing said resume and cover letter
Once you figure out what you actually need, you soon realize your ability to watch one season of "House of Cards" in two days may not necessarily be the skill they want. So begins the recording of little white lies to impress the man. Know how to use Microsoft Word? Now, you are an expert at Microsoft Office! Are you the one who listens to all of your friends' problems? Communication skills! At this point, you are doing anything to look good.
9. Attempting to write a decent answer to the application questions
For some reason, the application requires you to answer questions in addition to your resume and CV. They are all typically very basic and therefore, really difficult to answer. You can't actually write "I'm poor" as an answer for, "Why did you apply for this job?" Instead, you end up trying to write some profound thoughts you don't really believe before you have a breakdown.
10. Having a panic attack when you finally submit it all
Once you do all of that, you are finally able to wrap it up with a bow and send it on its way. As soon as you submit, you end up consumed with a cloud of anxiety. Did you attach everything? Did you answer all of the questions? Did you put in the right address? At this point, it is already done and there is nothing you can do about it but sit on the floor in distress.
11. Slowly dying as you wait for a response
Now that you are filled with despair and hopelessness, you are forced to wait for days and weeks on end while your application is judged by people that you don't know. Will they ever call you back? Who knows? There are jobs that I applied for over two years ago that have never contacted me. Do I sometimes hope things had ended differently? Not really. I would still be poor and hungry.
12. Doing it all over again the next day because you're poor and need money
Once you come to terms that one job didn't work out, you gear yourself back up to go on the hunt again. After all, you can't spend the rest of your life laying on a couch watching TV and eating ice cream. At some point, you will die of Vitamin D deficiency. No, it is better to go outside and look for work in the great beyond.
You think I'm being dramatic? Maybe a little. But you know exactly what I'm talking about. The day of judgment awaits us all, and I hope that you are a little more prepared for it now.
