Just a disclaimer before I start dissing what may be someone’s most-beloved comic: Spiderman is my favorite superhero. He’s a teen with relatable high school problems, but he also happens to be a kick-ass vigilante in the Big Apple. All the same, sometimes it’s fun to force fiction into places it doesn’t belong—like real life, for instance. So with all due respect to one of the most amazing superheroes out there, here are 10 things that are hilariously unrealistic about “Ultimate Spiderman."

1. Peter Parker's grades

Okay, so obviously Peter’s a smart kid. He invented his web-shooters himself, and even if Mary Jane is the one resewing the Spidey suit for him every time he gets in a tussle, he’s got the scientific know-how down pat. And although the state of his academics isn’t often explicitly mentioned after getting his powers—aside from the occasional talking-to from one of his teachers or, for a brief time, Uncle Ben—there are still plenty of indications that Peter is a straight-A student. When it comes down to it, whether the comic admits it or not, being Spiderman is a full-time job. Considering his nightly web-swinging antics, it’s a bit hard to believe that the 15-year-old breezes through his curriculum that easily.

2. Flash Thompson's popularity

This kid isn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the box, but let’s face it, that’s never stopped anyone from attaining social status before. No, what makes Flash’s “enviable” rep so perplexing is that he goes around throwing petty insults at anyone who'll listen, his only friend may as well be a full-time bodyguard, and he broke his hand the one time he tried to punch our lowly geek-wad protagonist (powers or no powers). Besides, there’s no way he isn’t secretly getting bullied for his bowl-cut. Do I even have to mention that his real name is Eugene?

3. Uncle Ben's death

Ah yes, the most classic superhero trope: the death of a loved one. I get it, this was the motivation Peter needed to continue being Spiderman, a force for good. But let's analyze the situation, shall we? Peter returns home after a bad day at the wrestling organization, only to come face-to-face with a disapproving Aunt May and an angry Uncle Ben. He's chastised for his school performance (a rarity, as I've said), and then the guilt trip hits home with the famous "With great power comes great responsibility." So Peter storms away, acting his age for once, and returns later to discover... Uncle Ben has been murdered. Just like that. ...Amazing.

4. Peter's Hair

I’d like to know how much and what brand of hair gel this web-swinger is using, because his hair is always parted flawlessly, no matter how disheveled the plot dictates it should be. And I can’t be the only one wondering how he manages to flatten such a voluminous mane under a mask—even if it is made of spandex.

5. Peter and Mary Jane

Let’s be honest, the intelligent redhead would never stick with a dorky mutant like Peter in real life. Yes, dating a crime-fighting spider-human hybrid sounds awesome, but it’s sure to get old once you clean up his wounds a few times and lie to your parents about it later. Oh, and getting thrown off Manhattan Bridge by the Green Goblin? That’d be somewhat of a last straw, too.

6. How Peter got his powers...

Last time I checked, sophomores don’t usually take class trips to experimental labs, whether or not the pioneering head of the corporation happens to be the father of one of their peers. And even if a group of 15-year-olds did show up for a tour, you would expect said lab to have proper control of all its top-secret experiments, in particular one involving radioactive spiders. But hey, I'm no rocket scientist.

7. And manages to keep them a secret

Balancing friends, family, and academics is hard enough as it is; imagine having "vigilante" as an extracurricular on top of it. And yet, despite his frequent absences, inexplicably swift reflexes, and not-so-subtle enthusiasm for his own alter-ego, it never occurs to anyone at the Daily Bugle or at school (with one exception) that Peter might be hiding something. Even Aunt May is blindsided. Personally, I’d get suspicious about the “studying at the library” excuse long before it reached the point where my nephew started coming home past midnight.

8. Peter's fighting skills

Am I wrong, or did Peter's pre-mutant hobbies mainly consist of doing homework, getting shoved around, and pining after his best friend? No judo or karate—or any form of physical activity, really—is ever mentioned in association with regular old Peter Parker. I mean, I get that superpowers go a long way, but just because you have a spider sense doesn’t mean you can also take down a deranged scientist with octopus arms. Sorry, Pete. Not buying it.

9. The witty dialogue

Even if Peter was suddenly capable of insane moves, there’s no way he’d be able to incessantly hurl scathing retorts at his enemies in the midst of the fighting. Does the costume give him confidence, or was this smooth comedian hiding behind our awkward protagonist the whole time? And I don’t know about you, but if I were surrounded by professional gangsters on the roof of a New York penthouse at night, I don’t think my top priority would be roasting the Kingpin.

10. Peter's lack of injuries

I know, I know, he's a superhero. He's capable of handling more pain and impact than the average human being. But let's not forget that this particular superhero is 15 years old, has no prior fighting experience, and is almost always combating people more than twice his age. It's safe to assume he'd come away with something more severe than scrapes and bruises, but as it is, aside from one or two instances of major injuries, Peter often manages to swing away unscathed.

11. The Spidey body

Obviously, you can't have a superhero without muscles. But apparently that rule doesn't apply to his alter-ego. Peter, as aforementioned, was somewhat of a scrawny kid before the fateful spider bite. And while he certainly beefed up once his powers kicked in, his build in- and out-of-costume still differs exceedingly. I mean, I'm not complaining... just a bit confused.