Twenty years-- that's how long I've been the daughter of an alcoholic. About five of those years, I retain absolutely no memory of the man who some call 'dad.' The preschool years are the years that I began to recall memories, they consist of yearly visits, and rare phone calls. I didn't really know what it was like to grow up as the daughter of an alcoholic until my prepubescent years; those years damaged me, while simultaneously sculpting the woman that I am today. Those years sculpted the 11 truths that only a daughter of an alcoholic could understand...
1. To love, or to hate.
The internal fight you have always had to face pulls you in multiple directions. One minute you think to yourself, that of course your dad loves you, that he messes up at times but he has also done extraordinary things for you. It might be true; he tries his hardest, but his hardest has not been enough to forge a happy childhood for you. You might have had times where the yelling was too much, and where all the love you held for you dad turned to hate. Yet there were also times that crystallized his love for you. The constant back-and-forth is a daily pain you're forced with.
2. When you mess up, you know deep down that your punishment isn't nearly as bad as it should be.
Yet, you still don't get punished like the other kids in your class did. Why? Because how can your dad punish you for something so miniscule compared to the things that he's doing. So you got a bad grade-- it's OK, he can drink it off for you.
3. When there's mention of you drinking alcohol, he gets very defensive.
Because he could never dream of his "little princess" turning into what he's become. No child of his should have to face the struggle of being an alcoholic; he should know: he's intimately aware of the misfortune it brings.
4. When you walk into the room and he is passed out on the couch with the TV on, you simply ignore it, turn the TV off, and go to sleep.
You're the adult here-- you have been for a while. You've come to terms with the fact that it's you who will be tucking your dad in at night, and not the other way around. Situations like this happened so often, that you no longer flinch at the sight of empty beer bottles floating around the living room.
5. You never have friends over; you go to their houses instead.
As much as you'd love to have a get-together at your house, (unless father dearest isn't at home), it's much easier to go to somebody else's house as opposed to your's, where your dad will inevitably be stumbling around and cracking jokes (to which your friends think is hilarious, but they know not the truth behind the stumbles and laughter).
6. "Sorry, he's drunk" has become more of a joke to you.
To help mitigate the pain that comes with having to constantly explain your fathers ridiculous behavior, you've turned it into a joke. To protect yourself, you've learned to laugh at situations, that might have otherwise made you cry in the past.
7. When you ask him to ease up on the drinking, he knows he needs to.
So he says he will, but he's always said that. He won't ever quit, he relies on the bottle to get him through 90 percent of most days. In your head, you tell yourself to be compassionate, he's got an illness, but all you really want todo is scream at him for his stupidity.
8. When you were a kid, asking him to pick you up from somewhere at night was almost completely unacceptable.
You did not want him drunk driving, a risk he would most likely take. You didn't want him to risk getting another DUI either. So, you'd ask for rides home from friends parents, creating excuses for your own parents.
9. Three a.m. became a normal bedtime for you.
You've spent more time waiting up for your dad to make it home from the bar, than he's spent on you in general. How does a child fall asleep with the fear that they're dad wouldn't be home by the time they woke up-- you don't. You stay awake, call a few times to make sure he's still conscious, then send someone to pick him up from whatever ditch he's lying in.
10. You do not trust easily.
Nope, not easily at all. Actually, trust is the hardest thing you've ever had to deal with. How can you trust someone when your father (the man whose supposed to be your first knight and shining armor) has let you down so many times? And that's not even mentioning how big of liars alcoholics typically are. How could you trust a boyfriend when your dad lies to you constantly? You tend to close yourself off to the world, and you definitely close yourself off to love at times. The only person you need to look out for is yourself, and you know that.
11. You are who you are today because of it.
When you think about it, your life seems so difficult because it was difficult. It still might be difficult, or it may always be difficult, but that's what made you who you are today. You've dealt with the dysfunction, abuse, and the pain. You have overcome everything that's been thrown your way, and you still appear to have a smile on your face.
