Growing up, I thought that it was normal for everyone to have that uneasy pit in their stomach all the time. I thought that it was normal to worry yourself sick and feel the way that I did. I thought that everyone felt the same way I did. I started to realize that not everyone felt the same way I did when I started skipping class because I couldn't even face the idea of interacting with anyone. I realized that something was wrong when I started worrying so much, my skin would break out in painful rashes for weeks. I finally understood that something was not right when I couldn't keep myself from hyperventilating and crying in pain when I started experiencing panic attacks.
Never in my wildest dream did I think that I would have anxiety. Everyone gets anxious, right? I am the girl who likes to make people laugh. I am the girl who is confident and self-assured. I am the girl who is everyone's friend. Who would have guessed that behind all of that, I am dying inside for you to laugh at my joke and hoping you don't see through my confident facade to the pain I am feeling inside. You'd never guess that every few days, I'm laying face down on my bed after hyperventilating for half an hour, face full of snot and tears. Everyday, I am learning how to not be exhausted and frustrated with myself for being who I am.
I can't speak for everyone with anxiety, but this is what I need you to know. This is what many of us need you to know.
1. I'm not blowing you off or ignoring you.
I do want to talk to you, I do want to spend time with you. Sometimes, the idea of responding to your text or making plans that I will have to follow through with is the scariest battle that I will face today. Does it make sense? No, probably not. Sometimes I don't even understand it. But stick with me and know that I still care about your friendship.
2. Something that you may find trivial and easy may make me feel like my entire world is ending.
Going to a fifty minute class or going to the grocery store might be some of the easiest things in the world to do. Sometimes, I might wake up and feel like it is impossible to do even that. The idea of going to class and having to work with other people may paralyze me with fear and anxiety. Other times, it might not. Just remember that even the smallest things may be the biggest battles.
3. I have no idea when or why I might react a certain way, but things can change in a matter of seconds.
We might be in the middle of laughing and having a great time and then, all of the sudden, everything is too overwhelming. An ocean of dread of panic might wash over me because I remember that I have bills due next week, or you're sitting too close to me. It may seem sudden, but it's a constant thing.
4. I will probably overthink EVERYTHING.
Unfortunately, anything and everything is open for over-analyzing and I mean everything. I wish I could shut my brain off sometimes, but I can't. I am constantly worrying about what I am doing, what you might think of me, what is going to happen nex, why did that person snap at me three days ago. It's exhausting.
5. Please try not to tell me to just "chill out", "calm down", "stop worrying", or "get over it"
If I could, I would. Seriously. It's exhausting and I hate having to worry about everything all the time. It would save me a lot of time and energy if I wasn't thinking like this. But at the end of the day, it's how my brain works. I know you probably don't mean any harm, but it is hurtful and belittles what I am working with every single day.
6. You don't have to fix me, but I love the fact that you care.
Trust me, if there's a meditation, weighted blanket, natural essential oil, diet or anything else that is supposed to help with anxiety, I've tried it or at least heard of it. I love getting suggestions and advice! Just remember, you can't fix me and I really don't need you to. All I need most days is a friendly smile, a hug, and someone who is supportive.
7. I know you may not understand, and that's okay.
Half of the time, I don't even understand what is going on inside of my head. I know you won't either and that is okay. I don't expect you to understand why my seatbelt getting stuck made me break out in tears this morning. I don't expect you to understand why I haven't left my house in three days. I just need you to be supportive and understanding that some days, I'm not feeling okay. Just keep on lovin' me and we'll be alright.
8. Respect what I say I need or can't do.
I know you might think that pushing me is helpful, but most times it isn't. If I tell you I can't handle something or I tell you what I know I need, it's okay to just be respectful of that and stop pushing. I will be seriously grateful that you were supportive, instead of making the problem worse.
9. Sometimes, I just need to be alone.
It's can be very tiring trying to navigate friendships, love, school, and work. Some days, I need to recharge and be alone. It's not you, I promise! Don't forget about me just because I need some space. It's good for all of us sometimes!
10. It is really scary to be vulnerable and open up.
Even as I write this, I am so nervous about what people will think about me. I'm nervous to tell people that I have anxiety. I'm also worried about what people will think when I tell them that I am on medication. It's heartbreaking to see that look flash across their face like I'm a psychotic. If I don't tell you what is going on and I just say that "I'm fine", it's nothing personal. It's just hard to be open.
11. I am not my anxiety.
While it's an exhausting battle day in and day out, my anxiety does not define me. You don't need to walk on eggshells or handle me like I'm fragile. I'll let you know if I need some space or if I'm not doing okay. I am still a kind, loving, friendly, and self-loving person. I just have one more thing to deal with everyday. I have anxiety, but my anxiety is not me.
