1. Code Blue

You've just dropped your heavy suitcases and giant bag of laundry (whoops) in your room. Mom starts talking about that funny thing the neighbor said the other day. You've already heard this story and say so in a joking tone. A short silence ensues.

2. Code Electric Blue

You take off your winter coat and Mom asks where you got that shirt, it's so cute, is it new? You say you've had it for the past two years, but thank you anyway, because it was still a nice compliment. Somehow, a small sigh passes your lips, followed by instant regret as Mom retorts with a, "Well, I don't have your closet memorized." Silence again.

3. Code Apple Green

Dad makes a dad joke. Like, a really bad one.

4. Code Less-Calming-Green

You offer to help with dinner, but Mom and Dad are both trying to show you the proper way to cut an onion, to which you stubbornly explain with the upmost sophistication, "Oh my god, I'm not a five year old, okay, I know how to cook." Tears ensue (from the onion. Because you actually don't know how to cut it properly).

5. Code Yellow

It's time to decorate the tree. Mom subtly critiques Dad's arrangement of ornaments because there are too many red balls clumped together, it's imperative that there are more sparkly balls interspersed throughout the red balls. A long moment of suppressed tension.

6. Code Orangey-Yellowish

Someone doesn't have enough coffee one morning. Someone else says something a little snippy. A quick back-and-forth bicker escalates to a full out vocal brawl. Usually a door slam, and perhaps a "AUUDHGGGHAAH!" into a pillow.

7. Code Definitely Orange

Eye of the storm. Older Sibling shows up, who just so happens to get annoyed even more easily than anyone else in the family. You begin to have a fun nonverbal communication with each other over how aggravating your parents are until you both start to annoy each other even more than they did. Everyone starts speaking in the shortest sentences possible in order to avoid the deep end.

8. Amber Alert

It's the deep end. Mom starts making a daily comment that Older Sibling is breathing too loudly and you and Dad are both pissed at Mom because she doesn't want to start watching a Christmas movie on TV that's already halfway in.

9. Red Alert

Now it's time to visit the Grandparents and all be in a car together for nine hours. Giant headphones come on. Mom complains about Dad's driving, but says she doesn't want to drive. The only escape is breathing into a Wendy's bag (both parents were avid earlier about packing" healthy snacks" until everyone but Dad woke up late. Dad wakes up way too freaking early).

10. Red Alert (Star Trek Edition)

It's getting pretty bad. Eventually someone says out of nowhere, "ALL OF YOU ARE ALWAYS AGAINST ME, ALWAYS!" followed by a collective "OH. MY. GOD." A fetal position seems to be the only safe space anymore.

11. Code Purple

It's the day you're leaving. Someone says something annoying one last time, so now your hugs still have a lil' spite in 'em. Halfway home, you call, and everyone says how much they miss each other. Then Mom asks if you know where you're going, and do you know how bad traffic will be?

Merry Winter Break, Angsty College Kids!

-From a soon-to-not-be-anymore Angsty College Kid