When I was little, I liked dogs. I thought they brought joy to the world with their adorable puppy essences. Then, when I was twelve, my family got a dog. At first, I found her energy and looks to be charming, but soon I realized that those things were pretty superficial and I had seriously misjudged what it would be like to have a dog. Since then, the entire canine species has soured in my heart. I know from experience that I am not alone in my dislike for dogs, but dog lovers tend to be far more vocal than dog haters, and the media tends to portray anyone who is less than completely enthusiastic to own a dog as evil, so I wanted to counteract the trend with an anti-canine rant.
1. They smell
It’s like they have morning bad breath only it’s not just in the morning, and sometimes when it’s been too long since they’re last bath, they’ll smell like a rotting dead animal when they try to sit next to you on the couch.
2. They get dog hair everywhere
If you drop food on the floor in my house, there’s no ten-second rule, because it will be submerged in dog hair the second it hits the ground — even if the floors were cleaned earlier that day.
3. They bark. Loudly. All the time. Especially while you’re trying to watch TV.
My dog will break your eardrums with her yapping whenever someone comes down our hallway or if she wants to be let out into the backyard, and then there are those times when she’ll start howling, and you’ll have no idea why or how to shut her up, but it happens to be right when you’re trying to listen to the television or focus on homework or have a conversation with a friend.
4. They jump, step, and run on you
My dog will get super excited whenever anyone comes into our building, and if she happens to be on the other side of the room at the time, she’ll bound over to the door jumping on the laps or stomachs of anyone sitting or lying in her way. We’re talking about a 50-pound dog with sharp nails. This is not even to mention what she does to the person coming through the door.
5. They bite
This one is less of an issue with fully grown dogs, but when you get a puppy, it will want to teethe on everything — including your hands, and dog teeth can be quite sharp and painful.
6. You have to deal with their bodily functions
You have to pick up their poop when you walk them and potty train them when they are puppies, which often involves cleaning dog pee off the floor, and if they get sick — you guessed it! — you have to clean up their vomit.
7. They take up a lot of your time and money
They have to be fed, watered, exercised, bathed, and supervised. You have to pay for their food and toys and any medical expenses they accumulate. Dogs are like children only stupider, and they never grow up and learn how to take care of themselves.
8. They steal your food
If you have left food within a dog’s reach, it can and will sniff out the food and eat it. This means that you have to be super vigilant about where you leave food. You can’t just leave a granola bar in your purse that you’ve set on the ground or leave your popcorn bowl unattended on the couch during a movie night while you go to get a glass of water. One has to be especially careful when dealing with foods like chocolate or grapes, because these are actually harmful if consumed by a dog, and, of course, dogs themselves don’t know better than not to eat them.
9. They chew up your shoes
Again, this one is mainly a concern with puppies. Dogs seem to think that shoes with any sort of fur are small animals or something, because they love to ruin your slippers or those Ugg boots that everyone had about eight years ago.
10. Slobber. Everywhere.
Okay, so technically slobber is another bodily function, but I felt like it should be its own category since it is just so ubiquitous in dog ownership. I learned pretty soon after getting a dog that fetch is completely disgusting, because dogs always manage to get saliva on every single millimeter of a ball within minutes.
11. They demand your attention literally 24/7
Are you trying to do your homework? Watch TV? Eat your dinner? Well, your dog will probably want something from you — food, a back rub, to be let outside to pee. When you have a dog, you can no longer just go about your life as you please.
