"Can you please ask the chef to change my order to..." No. I can't. He already hates me. If I go back there and talk to him during this dinner rush he is going to poison my food when I eat my employee meal and I really don't feel like dying today.

"Do guys have vegetarian options? I don't eat meat." Yes we do! Vegetarian options are listed in the "Vegetarian" section of the menu. The menu that I put on your table. The one that you haven't opened yet.

"Are you positive you can't..." Yes ma'am I am positive that I can not substitute the pecans on your salad for grilled salmon.

"Can you split this check 15 ways?" Sure! Nothing would make me happier than splitting this $27 check between you and your entire sorority.

"Can we get our food rushed out? We are in a hurry." Yes of course let me go take your ticket and put it in front of the other eight tickets waiting to be made so you can get your dinner before the clock strikes 12:00 and you turn into a pumpkin.

"Can I please speak to your manager?" Sure. Even though I just answered your question I will go bother my manager just so she can come tell you herself that your poodle is not allowed to sit in a highchair.

"Can I have 10 sides of ranch?" Would you care for a straw or a spoon with that?"

"Is there any way to turn off the air conditioning? It is very cold over here." Yeah let me shut down the entire restaurant's A/C and transform this place into the Sahara Desert because you forgot to bring a jacket.

"Can the bartender make my shot extra strong?" Uh. What? You mean you want a double shot? I am thoroughly confused and am now questioning my entire existence.

"May I have a water with 6 lemon wedges?" I will gladly bring you a water, a lemon and a knife but that's all I am capable of right now.

"I know it's late but can I do the lunch special?" The lunch special? At 9:00 PM? The one that we do for lunch? At lunch time? When the sun is still out? Yeah probably not.