You get it. You understand the crisis of being female and completely lacking the knowledge of how to interact with any and all children. When older adults ask you about having children one day, you grimace and squeak out an "I don't know, maybe?" They nod and assure you that the "baby fever will kick in in a few years." Now, there might be the possibility that you will want children way, way, way down the line, but right now, it is not happenin'.
1. You flee the scene whenever someone says they have to change their baby's diaper. You have changed a total of zero diapers in your lifetime and the process is otherworldly and frightening to you, tbh.
2. When someone asks you to babysit for them, you come up every excuse in the book to get out of it. You're actually doing them a favor for not watching their child.
3. You hate the uncertainty of topics during Christmastime when you are expected to talk to children about Santa Clause and reindeer. Like, do they know the truth? You can’t just pretend like that! They’re going to see right through your lies. The lies are so blatant, the children can probably feel the lies.
4. Going off of that note, what is this little guy?? You just entirely avoid the discussion about an Elf on a Shelf with children.
5. Actually, talking to children at any time is stressful for you. You don't want to undermine their capability of knowing things, so you just talk to them like you would your friends. "Aren't you so stoked about how low gas prices are now? Legit, it only took $20 to fill up my tank yesterday."
6. You completely freeze anytime someone gives you a baby to hold. If the baby is too lightweight, you’re scared you’re going to break them by the slightest move. If the baby is too heavy, you have to deal with the whole awkward adjustment process and are then embarrassed by how quickly your arms get tired.
7. One of the first things you think about when you're around a child: the germs. OH, THE GERMS. Children constantly have things in their mouths, whether it be their fingers, your fingers, their toes, that pacifier that fell on the dirty floor - basically whatever they can get their active little hands on. Straight in the mouth it goes.
8. When a baby starts to cry, you think it's like a busted fire hydrant went off. You will proceed to find every toy close-by and wriggle it in their face in a desperate attempt to please whatever ail has overcome the baby.
9. You never understand when someone says that their child is "Twenty months old." Oh, they're going to make you do math now? Yes...mhmm...subtract the 12 from the 20...right...so basically the child is one year and eight months old? Ok.
10. Apparently, people give baby ages in terms of months because it has something to do with mile-markers for the baby each month. Well, you don't know what is supposed to be going on each month. Do they begin talking after the 23rd month? Can you share your Doritos with them after month 14?
11. Whenever your other female friends gush about how cute a baby is, you cannot relate. All you really see is a small, fat ball of a person with a little bit of hair sticking up on top their head.
Maybe one day you'll find this image appealing. Maybe.
