It's that time of the year again--the day that, according to European traditions in our Eurocentric society, gives everyone anxiety, disappointment and bitterness as couples out-do each other in aggressive gestures of ostensible affection and singletons bemoan their apparent failure in meeting societal norms and standards of romantic relationships.

Are you anxious that your Valentine's date is nonexistent, just like your GPA, or last year's tax return? Don't worry, I've created a list of ideal dates that's got you covered!

1. Leftover Dumplings from Chinese New Year a Week Ago

Like this, except maybe 10 times more, and greasier.

Chances are, you or your friends or your friends' friends made enough dumplings to feed the entire university for a month in a blizzard - so, waste not, want not. Why brave this freezing wind and potentially catch frostbites for a $50 "gourmet" meal served in a plate the size of a teaspoon, when you can stuff yourself with greasy leftover dumplings up to your throat?

2. Salty Tears of Haters and Exes

Oh, cry me a sea.

Wash down your greasy reheated dumplings with a refreshing glass of salty tears of enemies, exes, or haters. Each time you take a shot of your tear-cocktail that is saltier than the Dead Sea, introspect and reminisce upon how wonderful your life is now without their negative influences.

3. Your Favorite Mixtape

Just remember to turn off your smoke detector first!

While you enjoy your luxurious meal of greasy dumplings and salty tears, it is also important to keep warm in this -20C/-4F weather. What could be more efficient for producing heat, other than your favorite mixtape, which is considered a fire hazard in every year's fire inspection because it is - ~fire~? Just remember to keep it away from your textbooks, so that you don't set them on fire, and pay around $2000 to buy new copies.

4. A Literal Date

Beaming.

After you've heated the room with some fiery music, treat yourself to some dessert; in this case, a literal date. Dates - especially their skin - are great for reducing the risk of heart diseases. This is one date that won't break your heart.

5. Cats and bunnies

This is Lucy, a kitten that I looked after last year, and the love of my life.

Warm your hands and heart with something more cuddly - these furry little creatures are adorable, and have so much love - unlike disappointing humans. Take up a cat/bunny-sitting job while the owner is on their own romantic date, and wait for the magic.

6. Tax Return Forms

International students will remember with pain that their tax returns are going to be delayed for another six months. After you're comfortably settled in your room, instead of bemoaning your slimming wallet when you go on that expensive date with your boo, why not spend the special night with this year's tax forms, so as to squeeze some last pennies out?

7. Books & Warm

The cat sat on the mat.

The antithesis of "Netflix & Chill," Books and Warm is when you do your readings while sheltered from the freezing wind by mixtapes and cuddly cats and bunnies. However, instead of struggling to make out words on the grainy scanned pdf, read a book for pleasure, for once. Why go on a date with a boring human, when you can go on multiple dates with Virginia Woolf's Orlando, the most beautiful figure-skater in Europe with the most voluptuous legs?

8. Bernie Sanders

No one cares about your goddamn camera roll.

Rewatch Thursday's Dem Debate! Who needs a conventional "date" in a restaurant followed by flowers, gifts and a movie when you can feel the bern, overthrow Wall Street, and get a free college education?

9. Monty Python's Dead Parrot

"How's your love life?"

After the drinks, the binge-reading and philosophical reflections on the future of 'murica, you may be feeling introspective. Take Monty Python's Dead Parrot on your date, and mouth the line - "It has...ceased to be!" Yes, just like your hopes and dreams for love, romance and meaningful interpersonal connection. But at least you're not lying in a heap at the bottom of the cage, and that's all that matters.

10. The Spectre of Communism

Singletons of the world, unite!

The Spectre of Communism is hanging over you, as you finally accept the anti-establishmentarian approach and spit upon the consumeristic nature of the ritual of excessive spending on Feb. 14. Moreover, you quietly accept the irony of the loss of genuine human connections on the very day that celebrates them, as you flip through Facebook and Instagram feeds littered with disgusting public displays of affection, which you consider excessive and artificial. You exhaled a sigh of relief, not turning into a cog in a mundane machine of consumerism and artificiality.

11. Yourself

You.

Busking in food, drinks, warmth, pleasure-reading, and philosophical reflections, you didn't even realize the passing of midnight and the coming of a new day. And then it dawns on you - there's really no better date than yourself, the person who deserves far more love and attention than anyone else. Remember the saying that you can't love anyone else before loving yourself first? And not just for Feb. 14, but the other 364 days of the year too--365 days for a leap year.