Everyone is different with how they trust others. To some, it comes easily, and to others, you have to break down a million walls.
Regardless of how we've been scarred and burned in the past, it's a lot easier to put up walls and lock people out than to let them in. And it's scary when you begin to let new people in.
Here are a few looks deeper into the mind of someone who doesn't trust easily, because she had been hurt too many times in the past.
1. We're Quiet
We don't usually say much when we meet new people. We're afraid of what they're going to think, and we automatically assume that everyone is judging us. We then don't say much because we feel we don't really have anything of importance to contribute.
2. We Will Ask For Constant Reassurance
We will ask you the same question a million times. We will constantly check to make sure our plans are still on and that we're still meeting up at this time and this place. We need to constantly know that things haven't changed and that we haven't been dropped.
3. We Push People Away
This is just a thing we do, we don't even try to do this, I promise. Even people who have been there our entire lives that we shouldn't push away (example; parents, grandparents, cousins, siblings). We sometimes push them away or get moody just because it's easier than letting them hurt you again.
4. When We Realize We're Starting To Let People In, We Shut Down
It's like that scene in "Monsters Inc." when they find the sock and everyone freaks out. We start to panic when we realize that we've let someone in farther than we maybe should've. When we realize that we're giving this person the opportunity to actually hurt us, we start to overthink and close ourselves off to the rest of people.
5. It's A Lot Harder For Us To Open Up Than You'd Think
A lot of people look at someone who is quiet and may say, "Why don't you talk more?" It's not really that easy. Even if you've known someone for months, if you don't feel like you can trust them quite yet, it's really hard to make ourselves open up. We have a lot of mental prep talks; most of which gets us nowhere.
6. We Try And Try, But Still... Nothing
We do try to open up. We try to let people in and not isolate ourselves. But most days, it gets the best of us and we just put up more walls.
Now, if you start to become friends with someone and they have trust issues, let me help you with what you can do to help them feel more comfortable.
1. Assure Them
Let them know that it's OK to talk to them. Tell them that you're glad you're friends and that you're always there to listen. It'll help them know that they can be safe with you.
2. Patience Is Key
For the love of all that is good, please be patient with us. We may have good days and let you in more than ever before, but then kick you back out the next day. Please don't get frustrated, yell or ignore us because of this. It won't help anything. I apologize in advance for all the times this may happen.
3. Let Us In
Now, some may see it as hypocritical that I ask you to let us in when we can't let you in. But please understand that I said can't, not won't. Most of us will probably really want to let you in, it's just too hard for us to do so. We will try and we may get nowhere. But if you let us in, just a little bit, it'll be easier for us to open to you, eventually.
4. Learn To Listen... And Learn To Talk
Some days we will just want someone to listen to us, as we slowly start to break down the walls. Other days we want you to fill the silence with things about you. Please take your time and let us get to know each other slowly but surely.
5. It's Not Your Fault
If we have trouble trusting you, it's not your fault. We've been hurt in the past and it's hard to let new people in, in fear that it will happen again. Though we know you are not like the person who did us wrong, we have it in our heads that everyone is out to get us. It's not your fault; it's not my fault either, though I'm sure going to apologize a million times for it.
It's a process, but trust me, it's well worth it. We only lock you out because we don't want to get hurt again. We're tired of wasting our good hearts on those who don't deserve it. Be patient, be kind and help us tear the walls down together.
