Everyone's been there. It's that first month of college, the overstimulated, strung-out buzz of orientation is wearing off, and you've suddenly hit a plateau. You've found a niche--or maybe you haven't--but either way, the novelty of your freshman experience is losing its luster. And, if you're following in the footsteps of freshman before (myself included), you've probably made some pretty awkward blunders. From showing up at noon for a 1:30 class to loudly and obliviously calling a fraternity by the wrong name, you've made some distinctly freshman faux pas. And you're bound to make more. But wait! There's hope! Whether you're halfway through your first college semester or simply feel like you are, what follows are a series of tips to help you look and, more importantly, act like you're far beyond your years.
1. Hang out where the older kids do
Many colleges are notorious for quarantining their freshmen on the far side of campus like some kind of invasive species of beetle that’s been eating all the plants. It's undignified. At this point, you can’t exactly control where you live—but you can control where you spend your time. Even if your school is one where the freshman and upperclassmen share space, there are certain buildings and areas of campus where you know freshman rarely venture. If all info classes are held in one building and you're oft seen lingering around said building, no one has any doubt what year you’re in. So do yourself a favor, and trek a little further. Boldly study in the senior wing. Eat in dining halls where upperclassmen are known to frequent. Most rules against such destratification are completely unspoken, and the only repercussion is the quiet respect of your fellow scholars. When students see you shooting the breeze wherever you please in between class, they’ll start to quietly assume you’re older than you are. Plus, you’ll get the chance to rub elbows with truly important college kids—which, to you, should be anyone graduating before the year 2019.
2. Wear big sunglasses
This was a tip given to me before I visited Paris, but I figured there are enough similarities between collegiate America and the City of Light to warrant re-purposing the directive. In Paris, tourists are easily spotted by their tacky wrap-around Oakley’s and/or fluorescent croakies. Acquisition of designer shades (or something that looks designer, provided you are—understandably—balling on a budget) serves to deflect suspicion regarding origin of a potentially foreign nature. And such headgear can similarly assert your age in the fashion-conscious environment that is a University. How could she be a freshman? Surely, her eyes are glittering with wisdom under those Gucci 58 mm Retro Metal Aviators. At the very least, they obscure your furtive glances as you try to figure out if the guy approaching from 3 o’clock 50 yards out is the one from the dorm party last night or if that Vineyard Vines fleece he’s wearing just makes him look like your cousin.
3. Don’t take the shuttle
Seriously, man up. Before you start complaining about a 20-minute walk across campus, tell me how long you used to run for during 8th grade lax practice. If 85-pound you can do it at a much more rapid pace holding a stick and wearing a glorified fishbowl on your head, you can do it in slow motion with a backpack. Hour after hour spent in high school at a desk, and if your business degree pays off the way it’s intended, you have 30 more years of 8-hour days behind a nearly identical, if slightly larger desk. So take advantage of your bipedal freedom while you can; think of it as a commute, minus 100 calories. You’ll thank me once winter arrives and you see those rosy neophyte faces plastered against the reinforced shuttle glass. Take the 8:10 shuttle from certain areas of campus and you’ll feel like one of 40 Specimen of the Finest Freshman Quality being shipped in a wooden crate across the sea. You are an individual, hop off that boat.
4. Talk to your professors before/after class
Every college article on every college site everywhere offers this oft-unheeded piece of advice. By sophomore year, students start to catch on. Establishing a relationship with your professor can improve your marks by making you more than a name on an exam sheet, and asking the teachers questions can help to improve communication about what is expected from you in a given class. Moreover, some of the faculty and staff at your school will be among some of the grooviest, most intelligent scholars in the game. They have valuable insight to share—but you need to ask for it. And everyone will be doubly impressed by your confidence once they find out at semester’s end that you’re only a freshman (!?).
5. Be cool when you drop things
Listen man, it happens. You’re on your way back from the mail room, fumbling with an unwieldy package and an overstuffed backpack and bam, down goes your textbook. Showtime. In order to appear like the cool upperclassman that you are—or at least aspire to be—there are key steps to be followed.
First, don’t react. Slow your pace, but fumble as you were before. It is imperative that any potential on-lookers realize your first priority is getting that package into that backpack. Failing to follow this crucial step not only will make you appear caught off-guard (an adjective which never applies to an upperclassman), but could also result in further item droppage and an escalating level of panic.
After you’ve successfully completed your package-to-backpack insertion, stand next to your fallen book but STILL, neglect to pick it up. Instead, pull out your phone and reply to an imaginary text. Let the passerby assume that the importance of your social/ business life trumps the necessity to maintain the cleanliness of any school material. The text is sent—put your phone in your pocket and make a brief visual sweep of the surrounding area. Sniff disdainfully, or run your fingers through your hair; the point is to appear as if it requires some thought as to whether bending your precious and overburdened body towards the book is worth the effort.
But you’ve finally determined that the benefit outweighs the cost—squat or bend over towards the book (your choice depends on the relative hotness of any members of the opposite sex who may be standing behind you—that’s what the visual sweep was for), and reclaim your fallen comrade to your bosom. You have successfully completed the casual drop, and any onlookers have been relieved of the notion that you could possibly be a freshman.
6. Wear fabulous clothes
Some of you have graduated from high school uniforms of plaid skirts and unflattering polos into an even more diabolical uniform: that of the ever-so-fratty college hoi polloi (Exceptions granted to those attending Oberlin or Portland State). To put it nicely, you’re not the only one here who likes Vineyard Vine. Or Ralph Lauren, or bubble vests, or Lilly Pulitzer dresses. But don’t fall into the trap of wearing just anything name-brand and comfortable. Draw an unwarranted amount of attention to yourself by finding as many sparkly, sequin-y, furry, scaly, colorful, possibly scented accent pieces as possible—most freshmen are too self-conscious to try. As long as you adhere to Tip #2, you’ll pull it off.
Boys, you’re more than welcome to follow the same advice, but as long as you’re not in a graphic t-shirt and Nike shorts we’ll all be proud of you.
7. Keep Moving
If you’re bravely journeying into previously unchartered territory and you’re less than 100% about the exact location of your destination, you need a plan of action. Nothing looks more Freshman than starting and stopping mid-hallway, or swiveling your head about in search of direction.
Before you enter a building, take note of your exits. Maps provide an old-fashioned but reliable resource for consultation. However, never bring one with you. Commit it to memory ahead of time.
Upon entering, if you think your destination may be to the right, head in that general direction. Go at a reasonable pace; slow enough that you can subtly scan the area for directional clues, but fast enough that you seem unworried. As you make your way towards your presumed end-point, look as far ahead as possible to see that it is where you think it is. If it isn’t—abort! But don’t turn around; NEVER TURN AROUND. Move forward, right out the exit door that you should have already located before starting your sojourn. Now, swing around the outside of the building and do it again, taking the left-hand turn this time.
Eventually, you’ll find the desired destination, even if it takes a couple of drive-bys. This is why you should always provide yourself ample time before making your way to a new location. In the event that you find yourself at a dead-end and a 180 is the only option available, take a “phone call.” Answer with the phrase “Yea I’m there, where are you?” then pause a few beats and say “Dude, are you serious?” Hang up with an exasperated grunt and spin on your heel. No one will question your choice of direction, they’ll just nod sympathetically because friends are the worst aren’t they? Always bailing and stuff.
8. Roll through solo
You might feel hesitant to venture into that far-off dining hall alone your first day after class, but shuffling around in packs is a freshman move. This is understandable—in the absence of physical strength or awareness regarding one’s surroundings (I need a spoon, but I don’t know where the spoons are and if I walk by that guy near the trashcan again he’s going to think I’m into him stay cool — stay cool I’ll just eat my applesauce with my hands), nature dictates that we find safety in numbers.
There’s nothing wrong about grabbing food with a friend, but you should know that nobody labels you a weirdo if you eat lunch alone. This is college. You’re probably an *upperclassman* doing work. And unless you have something horrifying sticking out of your shirt collar, nobody’s going to pay you that much attention. Not to mention that new people are more likely to talk to you if you look unoccupied, rather than if you’re thoroughly engaged with another frosh.
9. Explore early
This one is super important. A huge differentiator between freshmen and upperclassmen is that upperclassmen know the area. Obviously; they’ve been here longer, they’ve had the experiences. But for a lot of them, it took years to get there. Skip the line. Make every effort to shorten the time you spend mired in that introductory period of assimilation.
Know your street names (Lancaster, Montgomery, County Line, South Ithan, North Ithan) and know what’s on them. Find the bars, even if that just involves jogging by them in daylight—that’s all you’re allowed to do anyway, you freshmen scum, you’re 18. Find upperclassmen you trust, and ask them obvious questions about school-specific info; they won’t mind telling you, it makes them feel wise and important, and after waking up to their Final grades during Christmas break of their sophomore year and realizing that that easy freshman 4.0 is a but a blissful memory, they could use the ego boost.
In your downtime, walk, and walk everywhere—turn down arbitrary roads, be spontaneous, because there’s no better way to commit places to memory than getting hopelessly lost in them. And it’s actually fun, too.
10. Be happy
It might sound glib, but the longer you’re at your school, the more things you find to love about it. By the end of freshman year, you’ll be waking up every morning just hyped to be alive in this little corner of the planet.
You can spot a freshman from a mile away by their furrowed brow and surly expression, and to be fair, college is tumultuous. But take a second to admire the way the sun hits the rooftops while you recover from the emotional distress caused by having finally said more than three words in Introductory Spanish II, or how fresh the night air feels as you zip along in a sedan the lease of which is being paid by a Sigma Chi senior you’ve never met. You’re so lucky to be at your specific college, whatever that may be, and the quicker you come to that realization, the quicker you’ll start to belong.
