Sadly, the most wonderful time of the year has come to an abrupt, painful end. If you're like me, you're going to be needing some type of therapy to cope with the loss of our loved one, Christmas. But, reading this article is, fortunately, cheaper than therapy. Here are some tactics for dealing with the post-holiday slump.
1. Deny that Christmas has even happened
There's nothing better than that pre-Christmas anticipation, so by telling yourself day after day that Christmas is tomorrow, you're sure to stay in a jolly mood. Remember to wear earplugs so that when someone tries to correct you by saying, "Emma, it's June 3rd. Christmas has been over for MONTHS," your mind won't be infected by that negativity.
2. Sleep until next Christmas
Just before midnight on December 26th, go into a self-induced coma for about a year. The best way to induce this coma is to eat Christmas cookies until the point of oblivion.
3. Become Santa Claus
Not only would this be such a good way to always feel the spirit of the holidays, but it happens to be the best excuse I've thought of for breaking into strangers' houses and eating their cookies.
4. Cram 11 cookies into the VCR in rage
Sure, after you're done all you will have is a broken VCR and 11 fewer cookies and it still would not have fixed the issue of Christmas being over, but it sounds pretty cathartic. Plus, who even uses VCRs anymore? Probably just cotton-headed ninny mugginses.
5. Get rid of all your clothing items that are not red or green
Every other color in your closet just looks so sad and non-festive in comparison. There are so many ways you can create outfits, too. Red top with green pants. Green top with red pants. Red top with red pants. Green top with green pants. This also would create more space to store Christmas cookies in your closet for easy access.
6. Carry around a stereo that is blasting Christmas tunes at all times
While you would run the risk of getting kicked out of the library or a funeral or your own home by your very annoyed parents, this method is foolproof for staying cheerful. Everyone knows Christmas music almost singlehandedly creates Christmas cheer, so it doesn't even matter that boomboxes are outdated.
7. Make other people buy presents for you every day until next Christmas
It's quite upsetting waking up the next day and the next day after Christmas knowing you won't be getting presents again until your birthday or next Christmas, so why not completely avoid that sting of disappointment and just keep the gifts coming? There aren't many people I know who would willingly do this, but the key word here is willingly. With some soft nudges or threats of blackmail, you're sure to keep raking in the presents.
8. Produce and star in a Nativity performance every day until next Christmas
You may end up having to play every character once people begin their descent from the "Christmastime high," but who cares? You'll be the best darn donkey and shepherd and Wise Man and Baby Jesus there is (besides good ol' JC himself), and you'll do an even better job of perpetuating Christmastime.
9. Find reasons to celebrate "holidays" every single day after Christmas
For instance, December 26, 1799, happened to be the day of George Washington's funeral, so decorate your home with life-size George Washington figures and cry at the feet of the figures as often as possible. You probably shouldn't go around saying, "Happy George Washington's Funeral Day," though. Looking further ahead, there is no shortage of exciting and meaningless holidays throughout the year, such as Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19. Put on an eye patch and peg leg and channel Captain Hook in order to fill the Christmas-less void inside of you.
10. Write countless angry letters addressed to Time
Here's one to start you off:
Dear Time,
I'm writing to you because I am outraged. OUTRAGED, I tell you! Why do you always feel the need to speed up during the holidays? If anything you should stop, or at least slow down. Can't you see how happy we humans are on Christmas? Do you want to watch the world burn? Listen, I know that it's not completely your decision to keep chugging along despite popular opinions, but I know you're tight with the Sun and Moon. And I KNOW you're capable of pulling some strings to tell them to lag behind a bit. So please, please stop passing by us so quickly. I know you're probably hurt since everyone recognizes you're just a man-made construct, but that is no reason to betray us like this. If you truly can heal all things, please heal this post-Christmas ache in my heart by freezing on December 25 (not literally freezing; we don't need Wisconsin to be any colder). I hope you will consider my argument and enact my proposal. Thank you.
Time-Hater and Christmas-Lover, Emma Leigh Brauer
