We are the first generation whose teenage years were centered around Facebook. We were there at 13 years old, posting pictures of ourselves aiming a camera with the flash on at the mirror, updating our statuses to “hmu im bored” and “lms for a ‘truth is,’” and suffering through the evil reign of Farmville. Since we’ve been on this ride for so long, we’ve seen Facebook dramatically change over the years in style, content, and, most significantly, users. Many in our generation have grown weary of the site since the "Social Network" buzz faded, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of types of users who still flood Facebook daily, including…
1. Moms
You and your girlfriend just took a nice picture by the beach, so you decide to make it your profi--BAM! Mom just liked it. You’re going to see Odesza live at th--BAM! Mom just liked it. Your friend just tagged you in a photo where only your shoulder can be see--BAM! Mom just liked it. But beyond just liking all your stuff instantaneously, Moms also reign on Facebook to share pictures revealing their distaste for Mondays and their affection for wine.
2. Minions
But did you really waste time on Facebook if you didn’t see a picture of a punky-a$$ little denim-wearing, banana-squealing, yellow aspirin pill with its mouth wide open and a quote next to it's unholy bald head detailing something that has less to do with a Minion than you or me? When you log onto Facebook, don’t expect to see your friends on vacation or a family member getting engaged, because the hoard of Minions defending the constitutionality of the Confederate flag have taken over.
3. Nick, who needs a ride
You never talked to Nick much in high school, but he added you on Facebook in the 11th grade when he was in your Econ class, so you figured you should accept his friend request to prevent things getting awkward later. Now he needs a ride to San Diego and is willing to pay $10 and a six pack to anyone who’s going down this weekend and has an extra spot in their car.
4. Drake
He’s the one sharing pictures of big-letter quotes that reveal such insightful nuggets of wisdom as, “I’m not one of those guys who tries to get with a lot of girls, I just want someone who I feel comfortable with” and “friends are the ones who stick with you no matter what; I’m tired of all the phonies” with a scathingly brilliant caption along the lines of “tru” or “this is so tru” or “truuuu.”
5. The politically-charged
The politically frustrated tend to flock to Facebook to post their statuses and share their articles about what, in their opinion, is ruining the country. The police, the gays, the women, Donald Trump, the institutional systems of prejudice that allow for the marginalization of specific subcultures; whatever it is, they’re upset about it, and they want you to know that.
6. The guy who is just now discovering the Shia LaBouef “Do It!” videos
“Haha!” he exclaims, sharing the video we’ve all seen hundreds of times. He can’t get over what we got over in June, and now he wants you to see the poor man scream at you.
7. Grandmothers
The Moms were quite an addition to the Facebook world; when they took over, the Millennials quietly moved over to Instagram. But they were nothing compared to the punctuational nightmare that is the grandmother. They’re the “HI GRANDSON JUST WANTED TO SAY YOU LOOK HANDSOME IN GRAD PHOTOS GRANDPA AND I ARE IN WASHINGOTN AND WE LIKE IT-----LOVE GRANDMA..........” storm that is in half of your profile pictures’ comments section.
8. Corporations
Facebook is slowly turning into a liaison between you and advertising corporations, as your interests can be easily discovered and pandered to. That’s why, every time you log on to Facebook, you see four promoted posts for “40 Biggest Boobs on The Internet” and three for “Cheap Microwaves!” They’re designed for two main reasons; to get you to click on things, and to make you feel terrible about your interests.
9. Littles f*cking everywhere
There are 10 events throughout the year that a sorority big must post about in honor of their little. 1. Happy New Year with my little 2. Happy Birthday to my beautiful little 3. Happy Valentine’s Day to my REAL true love, my little 4. Congratulations to my little for doing something that everyone will probably end up doing at some point in their college career 5. Just wanted to give a shout out to my little for being the baddest bitch there is 6. Summer’s been fun but I can’t wait to get back to the [college town nickname] with my little! 7. Throwback to going out with my favorite little 8. Happy Half Birthday to my little 9. Christmas party with my main ho ho ho! (my little). 10. Happy New Year’s Eve with my little.
It’s...it’s just constant.
