Hey, you! Yeah, you! Prospective Notre Dame student! Want a backstage
pass into the lives of some of the wonderful, nerdy, awesome, and kind
of weird kids that you are planning on spending the next four years of
your life with? Look no further! Here, I provide a comprehensive account
of a few of the different
species of animals types of glorious people that our fabulous campus holds in its
clutches. We are lucky enough to have a wide variety of people all here
to enjoy everything that Notre Dame has to offer.
The "I'm smart and I know it and you should know it too" Guy
This is the guy who introduces himself with a firm handshake, his full first and last name, and the fact that he is a Hesburgh-Yusko scholar. When asked for a fun fact about himself on the first day of class, he stays away from the basic "my favorite food is pizza" answer, because that is the kind of answer that only a plebeian would give. His answer consists of a twenty minute journey through his summer that he spent in China creating some sort of economic plan for some sort of development of something that you do not understand. And the fact that he is a Hesburgh-Yusko scholar. He goes to parties because, naturally, he wants to be as successful socially as he is academically. He vomits at 11 out of 10 parties he attends.
The Low-Key Alcoholic
You told your dad that you suspect this dude is an alcoholic, to which he responded "no, that's just how guys in college are". But, no. Your dad is wrong. This kid drinks at 11 AM on Tuesdays. Every Tuesday. When no one is around. He also regularly steals golf carts. You are not sure if this counts as both drunk driving and grand theft auto, but you are pretty sure it does.
The West Coast Hottie
Simply put, this is the girl that your boyfriend would rather be dating. Strong-willed, carefree, and out of your league, the West Coast Hottie knows how to put up a fight. You could get in an argument with her when she says that 2+2=5, but you shouldn't try because she will not give in until she has convinced you she is right. She is the first one to the party and the last one to leave. No man will ever keep her down because she absolutely has no time for it between parties, formals, and just generally being a socialite.
The Not-in-a-Frat Frat Star
At Notre Dame, we have a different kind of frat star. The kind that isn't actually in a frat. This dude might as well have invented the "shower beer". He is somehow simultaneously the most beloved and most hated person on campus. Deep, deep down, he is a genuinely nice person. You just have to dig through a few layers of fart and boob jokes. Even though you feel that he is under the influence of one substance or another pretty much 100% of the time, he is still clearly better than you at every subject in school, and somehow got an internship that you could not have gotten if you had literally kissed the butt of said company's CEO.
The Science Enthusiast
Uses big medical words that you do not understand and often have to google. This girl will run into your room yelling about how exciting it was to wade in a river in fifty degree weather to dig for bugs during her bio/physio/orgo/other science-y class. She literally found a possible cure for cancer during one of her lab sessions.
The Pretentious Chick
Writes on her blog about how difficult it is to be pretty because people don't respect her intellect. All of her clothes have brand names on them, other than her hoop earrings. She considers to be both hotter and more intelligent than any other girl in the room. Her natural habitat is the University Park Mall, where you can find her spending all of her daddy's hard-earned retirement fund. She is the girl that shows up at a party and laughs way too loudly at every joke that any guy makes, but will not even throw another girl an understated pity giggle.
The Weird Guy Down the Hall
This guy will not associate with you during the day and ignore you when you run into each other in the bathroom. Later that night, however, he will sneak into your party and drink all of your beer. He has a certain smell that isn't necessarily bad, but definitely isn't good either. You are kind of afraid of him because his eyes are open far too wide and you have never seen him blink. His roommate mysteriously disappeared last week without a trace.
The Southern Sweetheart
Most likely from a ridiculous sounding, fairy-tale Southern town with a name like "Bunny Meadow" or "Flower Mound", the Southern Sweetheart never has a bad thing to say about anyone, which is incredibly rare on this campus. Her room looks like something straight out of Pinterest. You are afraid that she may one day actually turn into a Chick-Fil-A sandwich because she eats far more of them than can possibly be healthy.
The "I got an internship at Goldman... Suck it" Girl
This is the same girl that once posted an Instagram of herself doing a kegstand. Somehow, she has weaseled away around all reason and reality and has found herself working some fancy internship in some fancy city. Even though no one asked, she will tell you where she is working this summer. She will work it into every conversation. She will text, call, e-mail, Facebook, and send you a message in a bottle about her internship and her bright future. You will continue not to care.
The Legacy
This is the... okay, this is actually pretty much everyone that goes to this school.
