I recently had to go in for a Pap Smear, and I can't name something I enjoy less. My gynecologist is great and always makes me feel comfortable, but for the life of me, I can't not dread it, no matter how hard I try.
You know damn well what's coming, even though you damn well don't want to. The truth is, it's just another thing us women, suck it up, and endure.
If you're like me at all, you try and think of ANYTHING else, so why not document your thoughts and see if other women relate too? Maybe it'll make this whole process easier for us all. (It probably won't, but at least we're optimistic).
1. Doc is about to see my va-jay-jay.
Though we know they're used to seeing their fair share of vaginas, it doesn't make you any less nervous, knowing yours is right there on the table for them to see-literally. Do I have a nice vagina? I wonder if she's seen much nicer vaginas? Is my vagina weird looking? What if my vagina is so weird looking she'll never make eye-contact with me again? In this moment, I don't think we've ever felt less self-conscious about our precious privates.
#MyVaginaBetterBeNicerThanYourLastPatient
2. Did I miss any hair?
I only shave this well on three distinct occasions.
1. Hot Date
2. Bikini season
3. Easy access for my doctor.
Though I'm sure they've seen it all, you're in a bright ass room with multiple people looking down at your vagina. You don't want them saying, "HA LOOK AT THAT PATCH OF HAIR THIS POOR GIRL MISSED. AH, nice try honey!"
If this means I need to put a mirror between my legs and spend hours in the bathroom, so be it, but I better have a spotless vagina for my doctor, that's all I'm saying.
3. If I scoot any closer to the edge of this table, I'm falling right the F**K off.
Dr. B, please understand I like you, but not enough to put my entire lap on yours. How far off do you want me to be exactly?
"Inch your butt down a little more...just a bit more...keep going...I'll tell you when to stop...almost there..."
Well If I didn't feel uncomfortable in my robe with my ass showing in the back, I definitely do now.
4. Getting dressed before and after, hoping no one comes in too soon...
"Just slip this robe on, and the doctor will be in shortly.."
Shit..shortly? How much time does that leave me? What if they open the door and the whole staff sees my goodies? Looks like it's time to get changed in record-breaking time.
*Knock Knock*
Wow, I'm glad I did this quickly.
5. The Pressure In My Precious Hole
There is a HUGE difference between a penis and whatever it is they put in my vagina when getting a pap smear. It's simple really—one feels good, the other feels like the weight of the world lays in my vagina. There is no getting comfortable or relaxing when that think is opening me up for the world to see. "Maybe if I pinch my hand hard enough, I'll forget about the heavy thing weighing me down..."
It did not help, and now I have a mark in my hand.
6. Wondering how in the HELL you're supposed to "relax"
No Susan, I'm sorry I can not relax when two of my legs are spread wide open, my asshole is hanging off of a table, and you have my most vulnerable parts exposed to a room. I am stiff, and I will remain stiff. There's no other solution for me at this point.
7. Trying to tell yourself you've done this before
Giving yourself that encouraging—"you've had a pap smear before, it'll be okay" talk, never helps a damn thing. Instead, you're sitting there wondering if it'll be just as horrible this time as it was the first. IT IS ALL THE SAME, AND IT ALL FEELS DISTURBING.
8. Convincing yourself that maybe you have something wrong with you
After hearing everything that COULD go wrong with results from a pap smear, it is very uncommon for me to walk out feeling confident.
Doc—"how many people have you slept with?"
Me (rather confident)—"Only three!"
Doc—"That's great! Unfortunately, they've all slept with other people too, so it's almost like you've slept with who they've slept with..."
Me—"Well, shit."
That's it, I better enjoy these next two weeks because when she calls me with my results, I'm definitely going to be dying. What if I'm dying now and I just don't know?
9. The "scraping of your insides"
It's not the feeling for this one, it's more the idea that something/someone is scraping the insides of your vagina. Knowing that is more terrifying than feeling it. Especially when you look up on Youtube the night before, what actually happens in a Pap Smear. Let's just say, there's a reason we can't see what's going on.
I was dumb enough to look anyway, which made this whole experience 10x worse.
"We are almost done honey."
...In my head I'm thinking the worst,
"They're still scraping.."
"What if I have nothing left?"
"What if, What if, What IF."
10. The breath you take when everything is finally over
There is nothing quite like knowing you survived your pap smear. Especially when everything is taken out and the doc says they have a good sample, and won't have to test again. That feeling is one for the books. Bye, see you in a year, or two! I'M DONE SUCKA'S!
In all actuality, Pap Smears don't last long and are something every woman should have done yearly (whatever your doctor suggests, every patient is different). Though they aren't comfortable, and though no one likes them, I'm glad I got mine over with. Maybe next time I'll make a new list, or maybe I'll just tense up in pain and forget—who really knows.
