People are always trying to fix those with lower self-esteem levels, as though it’s either some deadly affliction or simply some broken mechanical part.
But no one can be just “fixed,” nor is everyone meant to be “fixed.” Furthermore, self-esteem is one of those characteristics that comes from within yourself – no number of futile compliments can change how you look at yourself. Inevitably, most people don’t realize that.
1. “You need to have more confidence in yourself!”
I couldn’t count the number of relatives, friends and self-help authors who’ve doled out that pearl of wisdom. Stating the obvious to someone with low self-esteem – someone who I assure you is completely cognizant of their own lack of self-confidence – doesn’t help the situation. If anything, it exacerbates it. No matter how well-intentioned such an exclamation may be, focusing on one’s lack of self-confidence, rather than their potential, can be frustrating to no end. It’s like looking at a glass that is half empty, rather than half full.
2. “You just need to be more positive.”
If we could all think of the world in rainbows and unicorns, believe me, we all would. Escaping a mindset, one that seems immutable, is easier said than done. And it’s not about being a Debbie Downer all the time. Not all people who lack self-confidence are bubbling with angst and hate towards the world. In fact, I’m a pretty positive, optimistic person who happens to find fault with herself; in other words, there’s no correlation between outlook and self-image, the key word there being “out.” Self-image may entail how you look at yourself on the outside, but ultimately that perception comes from the inside.
3. “Having low self-esteem is a euphemism for fishing for compliments.”
I don’t seek validation, nor do I particularly want to deal with a sycophant. Showering someone (with low self-esteem) with compliments just makes for an uncomfortable situation, creating this clash of distorted reality when you tell person X he/she is attractive, but he/she simply cannot see that about him or herself. It’ll probably just intensify the insecurity. And if you’re complimenting a person out of pity, please save your pity.
4. “Can you take a compliment?”
That all being said, yes, I am not completely averse to compliments – I may not be the best at taking and/or reacting to them, but I do accept compliments. People naturally seek validation, so there’s no harm in making a person feel good.
5. “You’re too harsh on yourself.”
Yes, I am my own harshest critic. I see my flaws, weaknesses, vulnerabilities – just in a different light than most. But there doesn’t exist this knob to decrease the intensity with which these flaws are examined. Plus, what’s so bad about being self-critical? Call it perfectionism (oh look, another flaw).
6. “Your self-esteem issues can be cured.”
The word “cure” implies two things: that one, low self-esteem is some sort of ghastly illness and two, there’s a permanent fix (and that you have one). People with low self-esteem aren’t some subset of individuals that can be compartmentalized, quarantined and treated with a drug. Therapy, perhaps. But that’s no “cure” either. Therapy, support and introspection can ultimately lead to improving one’s self-esteem, but there is no warranty that accompanies these steps. There’s no stopping having a bad day, or two, or a few, every once in a while. Self-confidence can be a volatile, capricious trait – liken it to a sine curve, if you may.
7. “If we encourage loving yourself, your problems will go away. Learn to love yourself.”
Love myself, or the image of myself, or what I envision myself as? Coming from the person who helped run a “Be Your Own Valentine” campaign centered around self-love the week of Valentine’s Day in her senior year of high school, self-love (and taking care of yourself) are important practices and are often overlooked and underestimated in value. Still, it’s not just about loving yourself – it’s about learning to slowly, gradually, embrace insecurities, realizes strengths and grow stronger as a result of that realization.
8. “You depend upon the acceptance of others.”
It’s more a matter of depending upon the acceptance of myself, by myself, more than the acceptance of people like someone who’d say that. People can have hordes of friends who admire and care about them deeply and still grapple with a low self-esteem. However, not having many friends or simply people one feels comfortable going to can lower one’s self-esteem.
9. “Your self-esteem is a reflection of your failures in life. Just work harder.”
I work hard and have had my fair share of successes (and failures), but that hasn’t exactly built an ego. You can be the most successful person and still not be the most self-confident person. Unfortunately, superficial success doesn’t always equate to pride and glowing self-confidence. Plus, the fact that you’re acknowledging my being a failure just adds to the insecurity and low self-esteem. Just saying.
10. “You’re doing this to yourself. It comes from within.”
Now, isn’t that what I’ve been saying all along?
