10. Donald Trump:
His name should only be used as the punchline of a joke; no serious dialogue should be dedicated to his existence. If someone should try to discuss him in a way that would suggest they support him, instead of waging war across the cranberry sauce, simply segway into a more pleasant and family-friendly topic like Donald Duck or Don Knotts.
9. Any discussion of academics:
During holiday break, no student wants to discuss their grades, their major, or school in general. If anyone should ask about your grades, simply pull out your cell phone, play “Hello” by Adele, and slowly walk away.
8. Relationship status:
If you bring a significant other to your family gathering, brace yourself. If you do not bring a significant other to your family gathering, brace yourself. No one wants to discuss their intimate relationships over a plate of Christmas cookies. If someone comes to dinner alone, there is absolutely no reason to ask about their current relationship status. There is a 99.99% chance they don’t want to talk about it. If anyone should ask about your relationship status, bring up Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani. They make any relationship seem better.
7. Refugees:
No amount of arguing is going to solve this nationwide problem. Bringing it up will only result in shattered plates and thrown turkey legs. Odds are, tensions will run high enough without adding the spark of this controversial topic. Instead, try discussing the new Hunger Games movie or how delicious the meal you are having is. Just be thankful you have food, unlike the Syrian Refugees.
6. Looks:
College students gain weight. They get piercings and tattoos and hair-cuts. They do not want to talk about it. They do not need you to point these things out, they own a mirror. Instead, try complimenting them on things non-looks related like their sense of humor or their wonderful gif-making abilities.
5. Abortion:
This is not an appropriate dinner-time topic. Do not bring it up. Do not engage if it is brought up. Instead, discuss Adele or the new Adult Coloring craze or kittens. Clouds are also wonderful things that do not get the recognition they deserve.
4. Gay marriage:
It’s legal. There is nothing you can do about it. Get over it. Instead, talk about how amazing the new Star Wars movie is going to be or about how nice and pretty it is outside. Flowers are always an interesting topic of discussion.
3. Gun Rights:
You hear that sound? Nope, it’s not the sound of freedom, it’s the sound of people not eating delicious food because they’re too busy arguing and making everyone else feel uncomfortable. Just eat the delicious food and talk about how delicious it is.
2. Whose lives matter:
What matters most right now, is eating delicious food and not hurting any of your family members. Topics like this are a good way to get someone stabbed with a serving fork or make someone else take their delicious, untouched dessert home so that no one can enjoy it. Do you want to argue or do you want to eat delicious dessert in peaceful silence? That’s what I thought.
1. Future Plans:
Do not ask a high school student if they are ready for college. They are not. They still have exit exams and paperwork to fill out and about $10,000 to find. Do not ask a college student what they are doing after graduation. They can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel as it is, and they have this crippling fear that the light is really the inside of an unemployment office. Do you want to discuss retirement? No? Then don’t ask a student about their future either. Everyone is doing the best they can and taking it one day at a time. Anxiety causes heartburn and no one deserves that over the holidays.
Families are wonderful, but sometimes careful planning is required to ensure you continue to feel that way. Happy Holidays to you and yours and just remember: you go back to school in two weeks.
