Casual homophobia doesn't necessarily mean you're shouting slurs at me or telling me how disgusting I am on a regular basis, it's small implications scattered in your daily speech that make me and most other gay women really uncomfortable. Even if you mean no harm it's still totally not cool to ask invasive questions about my sex life or lifestyle that you would not ask a random straight person on the street.

10. "Oh my God! You don't even look like a lesbian! You're too pretty!"

I like to assume that most people could understand why this is offensive, however I've long stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to LGBT+ issues.

Firstly, it's clear you have a distinct image in your mind of what a lesbian is supposed to look like. You're not entirely wrong. Butch women are real and amazing! Butch and femme are terms used to describe lesbian women, and they're somewhat self-explanatory. A butch woman would be the more "masculine" woman and a femme would be the more traditionally "feminine". Not all lesbian relationships are femme/butch, many are butch/butch or femme/femme. The terms emerged in the early 20th century as a set of identities amongst lesbians. While some lesbians have denounced them as sexist, they're still quite prevalent today. I personally identify as a femme lesbian. However, that does not make my butch counterparts less of a woman than I am, nor does it make me more of a woman because I happen to kinda-sorta match society's definition of what a woman should be. That's kind of the whole deal with being a lesbian, you're a woman who loves women. So please, don't throw butch women under the bus in front of me. My reaction won't be pleasant and you'll just end up getting a long lecture in the middle of whatever bar we're in.

9. "-Insert comment about how I'm scared of penis-"

Oh, boy! I just love casual transphobia in the middle of my dinner conversations!

Gender is not defined by your genitals, let's get that out of the way. A woman with a penis is still a woman, the way a man with a vagina is still very much a man. I don't expect everyone to be an expert on transgender issues, however I do expect you to not assume you know what's going on between my partner's legs nor take jabs at it.

I am not attracted to men. I don't want to be with men. I don't want to sleep with men. However, man does not equate penis. A man can have a vagina and I still won't be romantically or sexually interested because they are a man.

It's a tired, old, and unfunny joke. Move on. It's 2016.

8. "So like... how do you have sex?"

Two kinds of people ask me this question: the genuinely curious straight woman, and the mildly homophobic, cis straight dude who can't envision sex that doesn't involve penetration as the main course.

The answer is that we have sex all kinds of different ways. We're multi-faceted individuals with different needs and different tastes. There's no one way to have lesbian sex and there's certainly no formula to it.

However, no matter the answer, it's an inappropriate question to ask. I don't inquire about your sex life upon initially meeting you, so please don't inquire about mine. It's dehumanizing and uncomfortable.

7. "Why do you dress like a dude?"

Gender roles suck and this flannel is comfortable, next please. I'm not dressing like anything but myself.

6. "Do you think I'm cute?"

I hate when straight girls ask me this. It's setting me up to offend you or creep you out.

Just because I'm gay does not mean I find you sexually or romantically attractive. Nor do I appreciate being used as your own personal self-esteem booster. I'm not here for you to brag to your friends that "some lesbian in a bar" thought you were cute. I'm a person and once again, this question is super dehumanizing and makes me really uncomfortable. Whether you intend to or not, you're talking down to me. I become an object for your entertainment. So, can you not?

5. "How do you know you're a lesbian if you've never slept with a guy?"

First, don't assume my sexual history. Second, how do you know you're straight?

4. "Who's the man in the relationship?"

No one is! That's the whole point! Stop asking me this or any variation of it! It goes back to the whole gender roles thing, and I'm not about that.

3. "I made out with my friend once, but like, I'm totally not gay."

Okay, that's great. I don't understand why you felt the need to tell me of your totally wild drunken escapades followed by a not-so-subtle "no homo."

I don't really care.

2. "Can I watch?"

Stop fetishizing lesbian relationships. I don't exist for your consumption or your pleasure. In fact, I want as little to do with straight men as possible. It's already concerning enough that I can't get decent representation in the media unless one of us is miserable or dies or is so intensely sexualized it's clear it was just produced for straight men. I can't even google the word "lesbian" without porn coming up in the recommendations.

So, no. You can't watch. You can, however, screw off.

1. "-Insert casual slur usage-"

I don't care how close you are to me. I don't care if you're my closest friend. Unless you are also a part of the LGBT+ community, you have no business dropping the word queer, dyke, or fag.

While there might be some false sense of total progression, homophobia and violence against lesbian and gay individuals is still prevalent. While you might not be vicious in your intent, these words are an act of violence. They're hurtful. They are not a thing of the past.

I can recall walking in a Walmart parking lot and having a rock chucked at me, followed by several boys hollering those three words. Dyke! Queer! Fag! It was terrifying. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I was lucky they just left me alone after some intense verbal harassment. So even if you surround yourself with progressive individuals and don't get to see the horrible things I hear on a regular basis, I need you to know that homophobia is still there and alive. Using slurs to address me will never ever be a term of endearment if you're straight and can't understand what it's like to be discriminated against based on your sexuality.

So next time you're going to talk to a lesbian, remember that I'm just a person. Leave your inappropriate questions at the door and invest in some time with google if they're burning that bad in your brain.

These questions, while not outright violent or malicious in intent, are examples of casual homophobia that are unfortunately common in everyday language. Homophobia doesn't have to be screaming slurs, it's anything that treats me as less than or differently than anyone else. Language is a powerful tool that needs to be used with caution. These questions hurt.

So please, I would like to have a night out without someone playing twenty-questions with me about my sexuality.